Define infinity
by Flowing lantern
Summary: An AU story. Damon, Bonnie and Stefan move from Chicago to Mystic Falls after some tragic events filled with grief and loss has happened to the younger Salvatore. A Bamon, Defan, but mostly Stelena story.
1. Chapter 1

**Damon's POV**

I stopped in front of the little wood factory where my little brother's been working for the past few weeks. It was already 10 in the evening and I was hungry, sweaty, but most importantly tired like hell. I waited until all the other workers started getting out the front door and lit a cigarette. I knew Stefan would be appearing last because he walked very slowly due to his limping.

I sighted and let out the smoke disappear fast into the air. It wasn't supposed to be like that. Stefan shouldn't be working to support the family right now. Especially not in the condition he was in. I felt this bad pit in my stomach as I was suddenly brought back a year ago when he was beaten almost to death and barely survived. It was a miracle he was walking at all, even if it was so hard. I didn't want Stefan to work, not now with school starting up tomorrow, but I really didn't see another way especially with a six month old baby in the house. If Stefan didn't work we wouldn't be able to live through another week.

My little brother himself insisted that he kept on working after the accident. I guess he wanted to find some peace for his thoughts. It was hard to find him a job that didn't involve him standing straight constantly. Thank God our late father had good friends here back in Mystic Falls. Once we moved in almost a month ago we called Joseph-our father's buddy and he immediately agreed to hiring Stefan. When we met him I had the feeling that Stefan will soon be fired as I thought his hiring was simply because Joseph pitied us. But only a week after Stefan has started Joseph said he was his best worker.

I smiled to myself. I was proud of my brother. Only if he wasn't so stubborn and took care of himself more things would've been perfect.

I finally saw him getting out of the building. Once he came closer I could see that his work clothes and his hands were in sawdust. His eyes were tired and they didn't suit his 18 year old self.

"_Burnishing all day again?"_ I asked, trying to hide the concern in my voice. He looked worse than me."

"_I swear I feel my hands made from sandpaper" _he sighted and he got his own pack out. He was smoking for a while now and I wasn't really trying to stop him which was probably a mistake. But I knew he needs to get all of this weight inside him out somehow. Deep down I knew this wasn't the solution.

"_Come on. You'll smoke in the truck. We need to get going."_

"_Bonnie will kill you. "_ Stefan said once we settled in and I started the engine.

"_Yeah, well, she's not gonna drive it anytime soon so she won't find out. Just open the window_." he did and turned on the radio. He loved doing that ever since we were kids.

"_Oh damn. I forgot to pay the electricity bill."_ I slapped myself in the face.

"_Don't worry I'll take care of it."_ he calmed me down while trying to suppress a yawn.

"_You can't take care of it cause you gotta get your ass to work after school. Tomorrow is your first day of the new year."_

"_Don't even remind me of that. Can't I not go?"_

"_No. You'll finish your education just like our parents wanted. I'm not gonna let you ruin your life."_

"_It is ruined enough already." _Stefan added silently.

"_Stefan, don't start."_ I raised my voice _"You do as I say and I say you're gonna get yourself together and start studying. Last year you had awful grades. Except for the history."_

"_Well you know that it's my favorite."_ he added as I was about to park in front of the house. I turned off the engine and the lights. _"Look."_ I started being dead serious _"I don't want you getting into any fights, skipping classes and not writing homework, ok? We've both got enough on our plate and I don't want to have to go to the principle because you've done something stupid. Plus Bonnie will get even more worried than she is already and she doesn't need that right now. Ok? "_

"_Yeah"_ he answered silently. I knew he was listening to me and I sensed that he felt guilty when there was no need for that.

"_Good. On Friday we got an appointment to the doctor."_

"_Oh, Damon " _he started complaining. _"Can we "_

"_No. We're going! You haven't been checked up for almost two months."_ I could say he was limping more than usually lately and Bonnie said she caught him stagger a few times this week when he got up in the morning. I was getting worried all over again but I was trying to hide it from him. He never tells me he's in pain.

He sighted. I felt he wanted to argue more but to prevent this from happening I got out of the car. He followed me slowly. Bonnie was probably in the kitchen since we saw the light on.

"_I really hope she's fixed something for dinner."_ I said and looked behind my back. He has leaned on the car with his eyes closed. He seemed in pain.

"_Stefan?"_ I asked suddenly worried.

"_I'm fine"_ he said angrily and started limping next to me. I only furrowed my eyebrows but decided not to deal with this now. We were both tired as hell and we would get into a fight. Bonnie opened the front door and smiled at us with little James in her hands. The moment I saw her all worries got away and I realized once again how much in love I am even after so many years have passed. She was in the simple blue dress she wore at home and the kid who has already started resembling me with his dark dark hair and blue eyes smiled widely even though I'm not sure he understood what's happening. I hurried to climb the few stairs and kissed her gently but she pulled me in closer and after we separated hugged me tight, which she didn't usually do but it made me feel even better.

"_How's the best nephew in the world doing?"_ asked Stefan and reached his hands to get James from Bonnie' s embrace. In the beginning he was afraid to do that because he was scared he would drop him but I encouraged him to try because I knew he could move laths and still balance well without falling so he shouldn't be afraid to hold my son. I trusted him. I knew he would never do anything to hurt James simply because he adored him and spoiled him so much more than me and Bonnie. The kid smiled at the sound of his voice. I guess he could recognize that and once Stefan hugged him tightly and made one of his crazy funny face expressions the kid was amused by him and wouldn't glance away even if Bonnie held his favorite meal in front of him.

"_He's good. He missed you."_ James made some kind of sweet baby sound. It was still warm outside so Stefan sat with my son on the porch and started playing with him and telling him stuff. What I loved was watching them. Stefan treated him like he was a grown person with whom he can have an honest conversation about life. Sometimes he talked to him about what kind of stuff he carved from the wood today and he was waving his hand up and down which only got James more interested. Other times he told him stories. He never read him books, cause he remembers everything and makes it better then the fairytale itself. James often fell peacefully into sleep while listening to his calm and warm voice. A voice full with so much sadness that I prayed my son would never get to know in his life. What my little brother has been through is so much more than a grown person can take. And yet I am grateful that he is here, next to me, to my wife and my son. I am happy that my kid can grow around such a person, such a man already.

Stefan himself thought that he was a burden to us. Once we got into a huge fight and the words has slipped. It hurt me very much, because I never wanted him to feel like that. Stefan was the kind of man who hated attention. He never tells us if he has a problem, he just deals with it all by himself. He never tells me if he's in pain, which is almost all the time. Especially after James was born he was less and less trying to draw attention to himself. And with all the working there was really no time for that. He was so tired he practically almost falls asleep on the table. When Bonnie and I decided that we want to move here he was trying hard to persuade me to leave him alone in Chicago. He had a good job there, but I couldn't let him be on his own. My mother asked me to never leave his side on her deathbed and I was trying to fulfill her wish. We had a huge fight, like usually, but in the end Bonnie managed to persuade him to come with us. Moreover I knew that if I leave him there he would cut school off and he would never graduate. Here I could keep an eye on him.

After a while James really fell asleep in his uncle's arms and we all got inside. The house was really small. We had two rooms a something we called a living room, but it didn't look like one and a relatively big kitchen. Stefan slept in the smaller room while Bonnie and me slept in the bigger bedroom. We really didn't have any new furniture. We moved what we could with us from Chicago and Stefan fixed some of the stuff himself while I painted the front façade. He did a great job actually. The big bed that my mother and father used was as good as new after he finished. He truly had a talent. Our mother used to say that her father was a carpenter so I guess Stefan took that from him. I myself got most of my father who worked with cars and all sorts of machines.

After we showered we both sat on the table and started eating eagerly.

"_So how was work"_ Bonnie asked and got me back to reality.

"_Oh, I almost forgot"_ Stefan said standing up suddenly and going to the corner where our jackets were hanged. He got a big envelope out of it. _"Here's my paycheck"_ he handed it over to me. He always gave me all of his salary and kept some money for cigarettes. He knew that now we were in desperate need of buying James new clothes. I swear-this kid grew faster than I wished. Bonnie always felt bad that we are taking almost everything he earns so now, again she glanced away and murmured silently.

"_Stefan..you"_

"_Oh please, don't start again"_ he said and smiled gently at her. She finally met his eyes and nodded lightly too.

"_Thank you, brother."_ I added.

"_Welcome"_ he said with his mouth full. With school starting he could buy himself some new clothes or shoes. His jacket was very shabby too. Instead he was helping me dress my firstborn and pay the electricity.

"_You excited for school tomorrow?"_asked my wife in attempt to make the mood in the room lighter.

"_Ugh….I prefer to be scolded by Daniel all day long than go to classes"_ Daniel was something like the supervisor of the youngest workers at the firm. Stefan hated him because he always yelled and made people hate whatever they've done even if it was looking great.

"_Stefan, please don't start. You know that you need to" _

"_To finish my education as you stubbornly keep reminding me. I still don't see the point in all of this."_

"_I am still your older brother and I say you have to do it."_

"_I know."_ he answered sadly.

"_Maybe you'll make friends."_ suggested Bonnie. _"Meet new people who'll walk you around."_

"_I don't make friends."_ he answered silently and stood up after he has finished eating. For a moment he staggered a bit so he caught the edge of the table. I stood up harshly and caught his free hand. He tried to make me let him go but I didn't.

"_Come on. Let's get you to bed."_

"_I can get myself to it" _he answered through his teeth, but he was still clearly in pain. That was nothing new to me. I often heard him turning right and left in his bed in the night. I tightened my grip and helped him move to his room. As he sat down on his bed he sighted.

"_Thank God we're going to the doctor this week."_

"_I am fine, Damon."_

"_No, you're not"_ I pushed him on the shoulder lightly just to make him lie down already. _"Where are your pills?"_ I asked and looked on his bedroom drawer where he usually kept them but there wasn't a single bottle there now. He avoided my look and try to mumble something that I should leave him sleep but I suddenly got what was happening here and it made me so mad _"Stefan Salvatore!"_ I yelled and he furrowed his eyebrows just like when we were kids and mom was scolding him for something. _"You finished them, didn't you?"_

"_Oh, just relax already. I'll buy new tomorrow. They aren't helping anyway."_

I caught his hand and made him look me in the eyes

"_Don't ever do this again."_ he looked away again _"Stefan! Don't do it!"_

"_I won't"_ he responded and I let him go.

"_Go to sleep. You look like crap."_ I said and stood up harshly, still very angry with him. He knew that. He knew me very very well. He also knew I would make it hard for him in the next few days.

I went to the door but waited until I saw him cuddle up, then I turned off the lights and went out.

Bonnie has heard me raise my voice and was already next to me with a worried look. She cared deeply for my brother. They had a special relationship. Something between a deep and trusting friendship and a parent-kid guidance bond.

"_What is wrong? Is he ok?"_

I just shook my head and went to the kitchen. She knew that I was mad when I behaved like this, but she was also concerned and I had to give her an explanation.

"_I'm so tired of dealing with his stubbornness sometimes."_ I practically crashed on the chair and she poured me a glass of bourbon. _"Thanks."_

"_He is confused, Damon. He lost the love of his life and then he had a near to death experience which left him marked for the rest of his life. You can't expect him to just act like it is all great again."_

"_A whole year has passed. A whole damn year."_

"_It's not so much as it looks to you."_ she whispered.

I sighed. It was hard to talk sometimes but the good thing about my wife was that she understood me just by the way I held her hand or kissed her slowly.

I drank up the glass and leaned back. She hugged me tight and I kissed her on the forehead. We stayed like this until James woke up, desperate to eat once again.

**Stefan's POV**

_**I felt them kicking me in the stomach, then in the head, I knew there was blood. I tried to touch it but my hand hurt too. I saw him take a bar and the next thing I new was he was hitting my knee.**_

"_**How about the star-cross basketball player of the school being unable to move his leg, huh?" he yelled and I screamed out consumed by pain. "It was all your fault. She died because you couldn't just leave me the hell alone. She is dead because of you."**_

I woke up, all sweated again. As I stood sit so rashly in bed my head started hurt and I leaned back only to realize that it I was just dreaming again about the fight. I looked to the clock on the drawer only to find out that it was 3:30 in the morning. Damon would want me to get up in less than three hours so I can get ready for school.

I tossed the ruffled blanket away and stood up slowly, trying to limp my way to the window so that I can open it and smoke so as to calm myself down. I found my packet in the pocket of my work jeans. I had only 2 left. The night was nice and still warm which is why I didn't regret waking up. The only thing I regretted was dreaming about one of the worst days in my life.

I didn't want to think about that right now and I thanked God that my thoughts were interrupted by James's cry in the other room. I smiled to myself and heard Bonnie' s steps towards the kitchen. He often woke us up at night but I didn't mind. Taking care of him felt good. It felt better than anything I was feeling lately actually. It made me keep on going, keep on moving, even when in reality I was standing in one place for the last year or so. Life is strange as I came to realize not so long ago.

I looked up at the sky. There weren't any stars tonight and it made my smile fade away. My hand reached the left pocket of my shirt and I picked up the small photo I always carried with myself. There were two people there, hugged in each other's arms, smiling at the one who was taking the photo. I remember that day-Damon made this shot in the back of our house in Chicago. It was my last photo of her, a little before she died. If you looked carefully at it you could see the dark circles under our eyes. I was working 14 hours a day by that time of the summer vacation. She was studying hard for her medical exams. Still I was strong and healthy back then. I remember my brother's face too. He was happy, for he was about to become a father. There was no concern in his eyes, there was only the sadness we both desperately hid from the rest of the world about our parent's death. But he was happy and ready to start a family. Now, even if only one year has passed, he seemed so much older than back that summer. I kept asking myself whether or not it was because of the baby or because he had to take care of me, to make responsible decisions? He surprised me so much more than I've ever expected. I guess I've underestimated him.

I loved my brother but I didn't feel like I really belong here. Damon thought moving on will be good for all of us. He believed that I can leave everything that happened in Chicago behind but things weren't that simple. Maybe this was a good start for him and Bonnie. Maybe James could grow healthier and happier here. For me it was just a place I had to live in. It was just a continuation of a life I wasn't sure how to lead anymore. Go to school, go to work-that's what I was doing. In the middle of it I was supposed to study, to make friends, to meet new people, to enjoy it -everything around me. But I wasn't..and I wasn't going to start.

I finished the cigarette and throw it out the window. My bed seemed somehow warmer and comfortable now, I was longing to cuddle up and forget about the world and all the bad things in it, but I stayed for a few minutes enjoying the silence of the house both confused and calm at the same time, looking at the nothingness of the dark sky. A nothingness that didn't demand anything from me unlike the bright sunshiny day I was about to fill with the daily routine of a poor lost boy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Thanks so much for the nice reviews and the follows. I came up with this story a while ago but only now did I decide to post it. I'll try to make the chapters long. To answer some of your questions-yes, I will write Bamon and I have plans for them but in this chapter I am trying to make the story between Stefan and Elena move ahead. As far as what happened with Chicago- I won't let it out immediately of course but there probably will be something about that in next chapter. I am including some characters that are not seen in the show and I hope you are patient enough to see them evolve too.**

**Anyway- enjoy and please review cause your opinions matter and keep me going. ((:**

**Bonnie 's POV**

I liked getting up early in the mornings even though I often lacked sleep. I enjoyed it because I was usually the first one to wake up in the house. Around 5:30 in the morning James usually started awaking so I had to take him with me and go to the kitchen in order to let Damon sleep a little more before his shift started.

Honestly I was a bit afraid when we took the decision to move here. I was used to the life in Chicago. The neighbourhood we were living in there wasn't what I would call a safety environment, especially when I had in mind that I was soon to give birth, but I guess I wasn't also ready to leave. It took Damon weeks to persuade me this is the right thing. And I am glad that I took a leap and trusted him.

Now I loved everything about our home and even if it was small it was also cozy and something about it made me feel safe. I loved the way the sun shined trough the kitchen window in the morning. I also thought the neighbours were good, I liked the little backyard we had and I loved the bench where Damon and Stefan usually smoked in the evenings.

I often wondered how did I got so lucky with a man like Damon. We've dated for so many years that marriage was just another step for us to take on the road of our unconditional love. And I really did love him. Moreover my love grew bigger everyday-something I never expected to happen. He was stubborn and we often argued but we wouldn't be a real family if that never happened. He was sometimes confused to as how he should deal with certain stuff. He was unsure how to handle Stefan and watching him like this twisted him. My husband was in a constant worry trying to provide enough for James. He never wanted him to miss anything. Him and Stefan wore shabby t-shirts, faded jeans, shoes with holes on them but they never ever complained because that meant James was fed, well-dressed and had everything he needed.

My thoughts were interrupted by the phone. Every time James heard it ring he started silently laughing in his baby kind of way and I never could figure out why. It turned out it was from Damon's firm-he had to go early today so I woke him up and in twenty minutes he was out of the door, kissing James on the forehead and reminding me that I had to wake up Stefan now since he wasn't driving him to school.

I hurried to feed James and to change his diapers and left him on his baby chair near the table to play with his rattles and went to Stefan's room. It was the smallest one in the house. I think even the kitchen was bigger.

I opened slowly the door so I wouldn't scare him. He was in deep sleep though. The room smelled like cigarettes which meant he probably woke up in the middle of the night again and smoked. His work clothes were hanging from the wardrobe door, there were some books on the floor-he loved reading, especially history stuff, as well as some boxes, which he still refused to unpack even if we've been here for more than a month. On the cupboard near his bed was a photo of him and Anna.

I tried hard to suppress the tears in my eyes, coughed so as to clear my voice and came closer to him

"_Stefan!"_ I gently pushed him on the shoulder _"Steeefan! Come on you have to get up."_ I started picking his tossed clothes from all over the room while he moved a bit and mumbled

"_Ugh…Bonnie…Isn't it early?"_

"_No, you'll have to take the bus to school. They called Damon earlier for work today."_

"_Damn."_

"_Don't swear. And get up already! You'll be late."_ I tossed him a relatively decent t-shirt and he finally stood up while scratching his head.

We were interrupted by James's cry from the kitchen and I hurried to go there. Stefan followed me limping while also trying to put his jeans on. Once we got there I took James in my hand and started trying to calm him down but he kept crying so Stefan reached out to me and took him in his hands and started talking to him. There was something in his voice that always calmed my son.

"_Hey hey, who is grumpy this morning?"_ asked Stefan and raised him above his head _"What? You angry we left you alone, huh?"_

"_I have no idea how you do that."_ I put his cup of coffee on the table once James was again not letting his uncle out of his sight. _"Why don't you put a shirt on today?"_

"_I have work after that, I can't carry woods with my best shirt on."_ he shook his head in disagreement, like he was trying to say _"Girls…they don't understand what we do"._ But I did and I appreciated it. I just wished he didn't have to work so hard for me. For my son.

"_Come on, get ready, smarty pants."_ I said and he hurried up unwillingly. It was time for him to go back to school. _"And please behave today."_

**Stefan's POV**

I was on the verge of getting late for the first class which to much of my surprise turned out to be history. I got lost in the corridors even thought the school wasn't that big, but I finally managed to find the room a little before the teacher came in. Everybody knew I was the new student and they all looked me with interest, trying to understand what my story is. It wasn't anything unfamiliar for me, I have been too many schools and it was always the same. I hated the whole system, I hated the people in it. I hated the high school chain of cheerleaders and football players. Even though that back in Chicago, before the incident and everything that went down with Anna I was playing basketball for the school team.

Now I despised it. Actually I despised it back then too. I hated the crowd and the attention. I was ok with playing by myself and I was considering leaving the spot on the team because it took too much time but I also liked the thrill to play against other good teams. It made me feel like all of it had a meaning. Now I wasn't so sure that it did, but I was too full of regrets already and I didn't feel like making this another one of them.

I sat in the back right corner, it was the only free place but it was perfect for me. While limping through there I could hear them whisper, talk, discuss, gossip. They are people after all, moreover they were teenagers with their hormones up in the sky- they lived for making other people's life's hell. I know I was also still a teenager but I somehow felt different and I think I also acted different. I didn't feel better than them, I just felt distant. And I was desperately trying not to draw any kind of attention to me. Once they realized I was the new poor retard boy they weren't going to deal with me. I would be on the bottom of the high school chain.

As I sat down and looked to the left when I noticed a boy with dark brown messy hair and glasses sleeping on his desk. He looked ridiculous and one of the girls upfront was talking about him with a disgusted look on her face. He was indeed in deep sleep because I could hear him snore. He was dressed in a nice expensive shirt and somehow seemed familiar. I had no idea from where since I didn't know anyone in this town. Maybe he just reminded me of someone in Chicago.

In a few minutes the teacher came in and started blabbing. I immediately stopped listening. It wasn't like I was doing it on purpose I just already knew everything he was gonna say since I've read it last year so I also lay down on my desk and hid behind that tall boy in front of me. I started dosing off. I felt so sleepy and tired in the mornings.

"_Maybe Mr. Fell and Mr. Salvatore will finally wake up and enlighten us when the civil war started?"_

I suddenly stood straight as well as the other boy, him still looking very confused as I managed to notice.

"_I'm sorry Mr. Salzman"_ he murmured. I stayed indifferent though. I wasn't trying to make a point. I honestly just didn't care what this guy had to say.

"_If I catch you sleeping once again it will be a detention Mr. Fell. The same goes for you too Mr. Salvatore"_ you're not making a very good first impression.

I simply noded and leaned back on the chair trying to suppress my boredom, unfortunately for me very unsuccessful. I didn't took a note for the whole class and I noticed that this guy next to me didn't too.

Once the class was over I waited until everyone were left the room and got outside last. I was trying not to draw attention but I guess I've already failed that task since the same boy who sat beside me, has leaned on the wall, apparently waiting for me because when I tried to surpass him he got in my way.

"_Hi."_ he had a very childish smile behind which however I could see pain and misunderstanding. I really didn't need anyone broken in my life since I couldn't even fix myself.

I tried to leave again but he just stretched his hand.

"_You aren't very friendly, are you?"_

"_I'm sorry.."_

"_Peter. Peter Fell."_

"_Yeah..wait what? You're Peter Fell?"_ I asked finally starting to remember where I've seen him.

"_Yeah..yeah I am?"_ he seemed confused too. _"We know each other?"_

"_No…but my brother works for your father. He owns the car factory at the edge of town, right?"_ the boy nodded clearly upset that I knew who he was. I let out a deep sigh. His father was a total ass. _"Now if you'll excuse me."_

"_Oh I know my father is an ass indeed"_ he stood in my way again and I was starting to get very nervous. _"You smoke?"_

"_I do, but I don't see how is that relevant to the conversation."_

He smiled again and pointed to one of the back exits.

"_Come on. I'll show you the smoking corner here."_

I followed him unwillingly. I couldn't understand why he decided he should talk to me. As we continued walking through the corridor I noticed that he was very slim but kind of strong. He had a posture of a basketball player but he didn't wore any kind of uniform which meant he wasn't a jock, which was good cause I hated jocks. He seemed like a loner, but more like a loner with certain reputation. I guess that the popular bunch of idiots here didn't bothered him because his father was rich and money always mean power. He nodded to a few people in the corridor but exchanged an extremely hateful glance with what seemed like a football player surrounded by a bunch of girls.

"_Who's that?"_

"_Tyler Lockwood-the star-crossed quarterback."_ I caught the anger in his voice.

"_I bet he's an ass."_

Peter looked at me at first a bit surprised by my statement and then he nodded slowly, moving his glance again to the door.

"_He is indeed. So"_ he started again and I felt that I was about to be interrogated as we approached some stairs leading to a clearly closed metal door at the end of this side of the building. From there you could see the yard and the benches and all the people sitting on them and chatting about stuff. I realized I look at them from away, from a different place. _"you're new in town?"_ his question interrupted my thoughts.

"_Yeah..yeah I am new."_ I opened my pack only to see the last cigarette in it. Peter noticed my annoyance with that fact so he reached out his pack and added _"Please try those. They are good."_

"_No, thanks. I like mine better."_ I light it on and for a moment we stayed like that in silence staring at the people in front of us.

"_It's stupid isn't it?"_ he asked

"_What's that?"_

"_Those people, right?"_ he nodded towards the yard. _"They all seem to believe they have a good life. Look at them-they are smiling, enjoying their grey daily routine. Some of them consider to be on top of the world" _he nodded towards one of the benches near the entrance where I recognized the red jackets of the football players. _" Others prefer to stay silent so as to avoid being mocked at" _he then changed the direction of his stare to what seemed like a bunch of nerd girls with their noses in the student books._ "Third are lost in their own kinds of worlds_ " I noticed a group of stonerheads sitting near us."

"_What's your point, Fell?"_ I asked harshly. He was starting to get on my nerves. I didn't need an explanation of the high school student society.

"_I don't have a point. I just admire this simplicity."_

"_There's nothing to admire here."_ I laughed and faced again his surprised look-It's high school, not real life.

"_It seems like you already have an idea of what that is?"_

"_I do. And for your information -it sucks."_

"_Well I might have a slight idea too."_ he smiled and tossed the cigarette's butt on the ground.

"_If you say so."_ I threw my own down and stepped on it with my healthy leg. Then I headed to the entrance but I felt his presence behind me.

"_God you're persistent aren't you?"_ I turned around to face him but instead felt that I bumped my back into someone.

"_Heyy! Watch where you going!"_ I turned again only to face an extremely good looking girl, dressed in a cheerleading uniform with beautiful long brown hair who's angry expression and piercing eyes got me a bit confused at the beginning. She leaned down to pick her pompons which apparently fell when I crashed into her.

"_I'm sorry."_ I fell tried to lean and help her but I was slow-she was already up and passing me by

"_Just watch where you're going, dumbass."_ she murmured angrily and ran so as to catch up with her friends.

"_Ah..the beautiful Elena Gilbert. Head of the cheerleading squad and the quarterback's love."_

"_Ugh…I hate those."_ I said silently _"And you"_ I pointed at him _"leave me the hell alone."_

I turned back again but this time he didn't follow me. Though I could feel his eyes at the back of my neck. I knew he was an annoying kid, he wouldn't simply let me go, but I couldn't understand why was he in such a desperate need of a friend.

I didn't like him, he seemed like a pain in the ass, but I felt that we were similar somehow.

I later realized what it was-he seemed lonely. And loneliness brings people together.

**Elena's POV**

My best friend Caroline was blabbing about something again. Maybe a boy she met in the store or a new romantic film she's watched. I didn't follow what she was saying. Actually I was hardly listening to anyone lately. I tried so hard to participate in a world I wasn't so sure I wanted to live in anymore but because it seemed like my old world-the one in which my parents were still alive-I was desperately trying to keep it whole, to keep living like I used too.

I was trying really hard but I felt deep down that it wasn't working. And because of that I felt angrier and angrier with every passing day. I yelled at Jenna, I avoided Jeremy. I've declared a revolution to reality because reality hurts too damn much.

I couldn't stop time. I couldn't stop the world. I realized that a little after the funeral. It wasn't because they were gone-no more present here with me. It was because nobody else cared.

People kept on getting up, going to work. I had to push myself out of bed and go to school, go to practice, talk to Caroline. But I fell shallow inside. I was empty.

It amazed me actually-how nothing really changes for the rest of the people out there. I was amazed by the cruelty of the world and by the oblivion we irreversibly fall in after our death.

I reminded myself that I have to keep going, but immediately after I came home from school and realized that they wouldn't be there I turned mad. I wanted to scream and crush and throw stuff at people .I stopped seeing the point of it all for a while now, but in the meantime something unknown inside me pushed me to the edge of my strength, reminding me that I have to keep a balance, that I have to preserve what I've built-my reputation, my boyfriend, my good grades.

Or maybe I didn't want to face the fact that I was actually afraid of losing myself. Afraid of disappearing, of becoming a ghost.

We sat on our usual spot on the benches in the yard, near the back entrance and I looked around myself. I could hear Caroline's mumbling in the back of my mind ,somewhere there. I still wasn't paying attention to her words.

Words-I was sick of them. People talk to damn much. Like it would make a difference. Our English -says that words behold a certain power. I used to believe that before the accident. I used to think that words express our true inner self, which is why I picked them carefully before letting them out. Now I just threw them like stones in a river-they've lost their meaning to me.

As the bell rang we stood up and crossed the yard so as to get to the front part of the building for our Biology class. I finally decided it was time I pay attention to Caroline and I even let out an opinion about boy number seven who seemed cute to her today. I wasn't really looking where I was walking and I suddenly bumped into someone.

"_Hey! Watch where you're going!"_

As I finally faced him-because it took me a while to realize I've bumped into his back, I saw that new boy, whose name I couldn't recall. He had a beautiful blond messy hair and green eyes but other than that there wasn't anything attractive about him. He wore an old t-shirt, whose holes on the sleeve proved he wasn't trying to make a good impression on the first school day. By the look on his face, however, he seemed exhausted. I didn't let that make me feel bad for him anyway. So I just mumbled something bad, picked my pompons and passed him by.

"_Ah, the new boy-Stefan."_ she said not long after we have cought up with the other girls.

"_He looks like he's homeless."_

"_Have some sympathy for the poor Elena. I find him cute though."_

"Caroline, you find everyone cute." she shrugged with a playful smile on her face which made me suspicious _"What now?"_ I asked, trying to hide the annoyance in my voice.

"_Oh, nothing."_

"_He is a limping poor retard. How did you even notice him, Caroline?"_ I stated and glanced at her with a judging look.

"_I still believe he looks more decent than Tyler. Did you look at his arms?"_

"_That is because you're desperately trying to find someone else so I can break up with him."_

"_I'm not denying anything, because I still believe he's a dick. An enormous one even!"_

I just shake my head and urged her to hurry up because we were about to be late for the third time today. I smiled more to myself than to anyone else-Caroline was a good friend, she thought about me, but I wasn't going to break up with Tyler.

He was part of my old world after all.

**Stefan's POV**

"_Come on, guys! Fifteen minutes break and then back to work!"_ I heard Daniel yell and stood up very much relieved. I loved working but today I felt very tired, probably because of school. I would need time to get used to this schedule. I brushed out the sawdust from my sleeves and took off the work jacket-it was still warm outside.

The Joseph Evan's wood factory was a relatively big one. I was working in the basement with the youngest ones and Daniel Jackson was something like our supervisor though we hated him and called him Daniel Dickson. He was an ass indeed. No matter how I burnished to wood or how many work I did he was always scolding me. The rest of the boys said I'll get extra hate because I am new. But I guessed he also didn't like me because I found this job thanks to our father's connections and even though he was already dead-I still didn't earn it like the rest of them. Which is also one of the reasons I felt like an outsider here too. Most of them were part of the poor working class-people who has just finished school and to whose minds the thought of university has never passed. They've tried hard to get those work places unlike me. What can I say other that my life is like an never ending celebration of the underdog.

So anyway Daniel gave me a hard time no matter of the circumstances. He made me move heavy stuff or unload trucks with wood material even though the doctor has specifically said and reminded me numerous times that I shouldn't do that. Of course I didn't tell Damon cause he would get in a fight with him and I didn't want to lose my workplace. Especially not now. And moreover-I was handling it. The amount of work he gave me didn't scare me. Sometimes I had to stay an hour or two more just to finish it but I did it and that was the important thing. He was trying to catch me off guard and I knew it. That's why I was extra cautious.

We went in the backyard of the factory and I let my new pack out. All the workers-the old and the new were here. I guess our breaks coinsided today.

This yard however was differed from the high school one. It was like I participated in two different worlds at the same time but couldn't find my place in neither of them. The air here was filled with some heaviness as well as maybe hope and expectations. People were never happy with what they had-they were greedy, craved for more. When I was here I could feel the heaviness on my shoulders too. Somehow my thoughts were always connected to James ,to Damon, to Bonnie, to the whole house even. I was thinking about the family and what I can do to keep it whole. I realized most people were consumed by the same-they were tired from the hard work but there was an urge inside them, a flame that kept them going.

I noticed an expensive Land Rover parked just outside the metal gates. I guess someone might've come to ask for a worker at their house. I prayed that they wouldn't send me. On the second week here Daniel made me go to the Lockwood house and fix their fences. I did the work as fast as I could and Daniel wasn't pleased of course because people paid more when they hired a worker.

That wasn't the problem though. I didn't like going to people's houses-they were extra grumpy because I was making much noise or if it wasn't that they either pitied me and discussed me when they thought I couldn't hear them or they treated me like garbage. Either way-I hated it.

"_Salvatore!"_ I almost jumped when I heard my name. That's how deep in thoughts I was. _"Come here. Now!"_ Daniel was yelling at me from a few meters in front of the entrance. He couldn't even walk two meters and come to me-he liked to yell. It was part of him trying to act like a tough dude who didn't spare his workers.

As I approached I noticed a relatively young woman, maybe in her thirties, behind him. I was starting to get what this all was about.

"_Sir?"_

"_This is Ms. Sommers"_ he nodded towards her and she smiled politely at me. _"She needs someone to fix the porch at the back of her house. Did you finish the orders I gave you yesterday?"_

"_I am about to do it, sir."_ I answered with the calmest voice I had and I didn't fail to notice that she was looking at him with a certain amount of despise. I guess nobody liked that guy.

"_Well, l do it faster. You're going to Miss Sommer' s house on Friday."_

"_But my brother asked you to give me a free day on Friday, sir. He talked to Mr. Evans and he said I can take two shifts in one of the next days."_

Daniel didn't like that and he furrowed his eyebrows. I was sure he was about to start yelling at me but the woman interrupted him.

"_That's ok. Why don't you come on Saturday then?"_

"_But it's the weekend, madam. You wouldn't like someone making noise in seven in the morning believe me."_ Daniel was a sly dude who liked to kiss asses and receive great joy upon yelling at people. When it came to pleasing the customers though he was the nicest guy in the world.

"_No, that's not a problem."_ she nodded reassuringly.

"_Good. Then I want you to the Gilbert's house at seven in the morning on Saturday and not a minute later. You understand, Salvatore?"_

"_I do, sir."_

"_Ok. will give you the details now. Then go back to work, the break is almost over."_

I nodded and he left us alone for which I was more than grateful. I waited patiently for her to get out something which looked like a notebook and to write me the address. Then she handed it to me still smiling. She seemed like a nice person.

"_Here you go. Do you have any questions?"_

"_No, madam. I promise I'll do my best."_

"_I'm sure you will. I'll see you on Saturday."_

I didn't ask why her name was Sommers but I was about to go to the Gilbert house. Wasn't that girl I bumped into today named Gilbert? Great..now I'll have to deal with a grumpy cheerleader who thought she's on top of the high school society.

I didn't like queen bees.

"_You are not doing it for yourself. You are doing it for James."_ I repeated that thought at least a dozen times in the next few hours, while trying to hide my annoyance and tiredness. There was a point in this. There had to be. Because I was trying to put someone else's needs above mine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Since I have some free time on my hands lately here's another chapter. Thanks so much for the nice reviews and for the follows. They mean a lot to me. I hope you enjoy reading the story as much as I enjoy writing it. **

**I'm sorry that Elena isn't very likable at the moment. I still have some hopes that maybe you will be able to feel some sympathy for her? I've included a moment between Stefan and his previous sweetheart Anna in this chapter too that maybe will give you some clarity on certain stuff.**

**Don't forget to give me your thoughts on it. ((: **

**Damon's POV**

I knocked on the door of our house while at the same time trying to balance and not let Stefan keep his attempts to stand on his own cause I could feel how unstable he was.

"_Damon .."_ he whispered

"_It's ok ,hold on a little longer."_

I knew it would take Bonnie some time to open the door, because she was probably holding James and she would need to put him down before hurrying towards us. I was sure she was already worried because we took too much time at the doctor and when she finally opened and saw us I wasn't wrong.

"_What's going on?"_ she asked while pulling back so I can walk in with my hand over Stefan's shoulder.

"_Nothing. The doctor just gave him some strong painkillers and I need to put him down."_

"_Damon.."_ he said again with his sleepy voice.

Bonnie came on his other side and put her own hand on his other shoulder.

"_Shh, Stefan ,it's ok. Come on, let's get you to bed, huh?"_ she saw his seduced by the drugs gaze and I caught her eyes getting watery. She was always so sensitive when it came to me or my brother. Our glances finally met and for a moment we stood there speaking only with our eyes. Then we headed over to his room, walking as slowly as we could. She tossed aside his shabby blanket and we laid him down. I took down his shoes and socks and noticed how cold his feet were.

"_Bonnie, bring another blanket, ok?"_ she nodded and I sat on edge of the bed only to realized that he hasn't closed his eyes yet. Moreover, he was starting at something and it took me about a minute or two to understand what it was-the picture of him and Anna.

"_Stefan, go to sleep. Now!"_ I scolded him, trying to get him out of his thoughts. I guess he was really seduced by the medications.

"_You took this picture."_ he said, his voice barely audible. _"You took it."_

"_I did?"_ I really couldn't recall this day. It looked like the summer vacation. But I think it was a little before she passed away.

"_Yeah.."_ he let a heavy sigh out _"She is beautiful here, isn't she?"_

"_She is indeed."_ I smiled and ruffled his hair, desperately trying to hide my own tears. _"Now go to sleep, cause you look like crap."_

"_I wish I could see her.. "_ he whispered before finally closing his eyes and I stood slowly only to face Bonnie with the blanket in her hands. Something told me she was present to our conversation because of the look on her face. She didn't move an inch. I took the blanket from her and I tucked him with it. Then I took her hand in mine and lead her out, while at the same time trying to close the door as silently as I could.

We both knew we couldn't talk right now. Words would drew us to the edge of our emotions and we wouldn't be able to bring it back so I leaned down and kissed her-first slowly, trying to show her how much I needed her right now. She followed my lead and before I knew it she was the one leading me to our room. I loved her, I needed her. I wanted to forget how tired I am from work. I wanted to delete from my mind the million times I've saw my brother hurt. I wanted to forget about the cruel world I was living in and all I craved to do was love her.

It was the only thing I knew how to do anyway.

**Bonnie' s POV**

Damon and I were lying naked in our bed, only a light blanket thrown on us. Being pressed so closed next to him and listening to the beating of his heart has always made me feel safe. I don't know why but right in this moment I felt like in the beginning of our relationship-so innocent and carefree. For a minute or two the world seemed more simple. I have forgotten all my worries and I could swear that his face seemed somehow younger and not so tired. Something inside me urged me to intervene my hand with his. I loved doing that. His hand was always so warm but also so rough from the work. They had this different darker color, maybe because of the grease and the engine oil he touched so often. I loved everything about him. His dark, messy hair, just like James' s and his deep blue eyes who desperately tried to hide the grief he felt-for losing his parents, for Stefan, for us struggling with money. In only an year his posture has become completely different. He wasn't the adventurous boy who didn't have a care in this world. He wasn't the irresponsible drinker who can party all night and never even come home. Now he walked a little more bent, like he was carrying some weight on his shoulders. And his face seemed so much more tired. I could only see it light up when he was holding James, when he kissed me or when Stefan seemed to not be in pain.

I picked up his hand and kissed his palm gently.

"_Damon .."_

"_Ugh..I don't want to get up."_ I smiled, more to myself as I realized how much him and Stefan looked alike when they were sleepy.

"_You have to, you'll be late for work"_ he was going to be a night shift for the whole week and it was always far more self-destructive that usually.

"_No…"_

"_Come on. I'll make you something to eat."_ his eyes suddenly popped up and he finally decided that eating was worth waking up. My husband leaned down and kissed me on the cheek while I hurried up to get out of bed first, put some clothes on and go to the kitchen.

When he came in, dressed up in his work clothes I have already set up the table.

"_Oh God, it always smells so good!"_

I laughed. He always made me unnecessary compliments. I wasn't that much of a cook anyway.

"_So…"_ I started once I've put his plate down and he was already trying to swallow his first big bite. _"What did the doctor say?"_

He sighted and leaned back on his chair. His whole posture changed as well as the look on his face. There wasn't a sign of happiness no more on it.

"_He said he should take it more easy. His knee has swallowed, that's why he gave him all those painkillers."_

"_But he doesn't want a surgery right?"_ Stefan has been through two already and that was when I excluded the once they made him in the day of the incident.

Damon shook his head and took another bite.

"_No, he says there is no point in a surgery right now. But he prescribed him some new medications and we went to buy them"_ I felt that this wasn't the ending of the sentence.

"_And?"_

"_He gave all his cigarette money and I added sixty bucks from me so…they weren't exactly very cheap."_

"_Well that doesn't matter, Damon. As long as it helps him we shouldn't give a damn about how much it costs. I hate to see him sad and in pain."_

"_I told him that already. But you know my brother. He will feel bad."_

"_We will convince him otherwise."_ I tried to take his empty plate but he was too fast and caught my hand, drew me closer to him and kissed me. _"You know..I really appreciate everything you do here. Without you we are both lost."_

"_Well you are my boys and I'll take care of you until the day I die."_

"I love you, Bonnie. With all my heart, with all my human being." I honestly didn't expect him to say this right now. But he was always full of surprises. Every time I felt confused, or lost, or like I've missed him for an year, when in reality it was only a few hours, he said such things and turned me upside down _"And I wish I could make you happy."_

Why would he even think he's not making me happy?

"_Damon.."_ I leaned even closer and whispered to his ear _"I am the luckiest girl alive to have a man like you. Don't ever say that you don't make me happy cause every time I see you come home safe and sound I want to hug you and forget about everything. My love for you consumes me."_

"_Well so does mine."_ I finally sat in his lap and he hugged me tight _"You are the only thing that keeps me sane, I swear."_

We stayed like this for a few minutes. The silence drew us closer, it's like we became one whole thing. It felt like infinity and not just like a regular, tiring, Friday evening in a house full of sadness and daily routine worries.

"_It will be ok, you know?"_ I whispered again, afraid of saying the words out loud for I might jinx their meaning.

"_I hope so."_ he kissed me gently on the cheek.-I have to go or I'll be late. Keep an eye on Stefan tonight.

"_I will. You take care. Don't tire yourself too much."_

"_See you in the morning."_ he added as he was putting his jacket on and opening the door. _"Kiss the kid from me when he wakes up. I nodded and stayed until he disappeared from my side."_

There were not enough words in the world to express how much I didn't want to let him go.

**Stefan's POV**

_**I sneaked in as silently as I could from the back door of her little house only to notice her sitting on the kitchen table with her back turned to me. She was probably reading that anatomy student's book for her exams and she was deep into it.**_

_**I slowly approached her and put only my left palm on her eyes since I had an old piece of cloth wrapped around the other.**_

"_**Guess who!" she was first startled but once she heard my voice her shoulders relaxed, she hurried to turn around only to threw herself in my arms.**_

"_**Stefan!" I gave her a small kiss on the cheek but that wasn't enough for her and I felt her warm lips pressed on mine.**_

"_**Hey!" I said once we finished our make-up session but never gave her the chance to leave my embrace. "How are you?"**_

"_**Wrapped in human anatomy. You finished work early?"**_

"_**Something like that." I felt her trying to intervene her fingers with mine but the improvised bandage I've but on my right hand prevented her from completing her task.**_

_**-What happened?-a worried look appeared on her face.-Did you cut yourself again?**_

"_**I'm fine, Annie, relax." I answered while trying to lean and kiss her again, but she put her fingers on my lips.**_

"_**No, let me see it." Anna raised my hand and unwrapped the dirty piece of cloth I've put on.**_

"_**Why are you always so stubborn?"**_

"_**Why am I stubborn? Look at this-it's a dirty open wound! How can you leave it like that! You can get an infection."**_

"_**Oh, ok doctor. Thanks for telling me!" I laughed out loud trying to make her let the steam off a bit. This wasn't about my hand at all and I knew we would get to the discuss the subject no matter how we both tried to delay the process. But right now she took my hand to the sink and washed all the blood and the dirt away. Then she started sterilizing, slowly, as not to cause me pain.**_

"_**So..do you know something new?' she asked afraid to look me in the face. Afraid of hearing my answer already.**_

"_**No..I'm sorry. I went out with Dylan last night to look for him but we couldn't find him." Dylan was my best friend there in Chicago. My best and only friend actually. We were really faithful to one another. Whenever he needed something I was there for him and vice versa. He's seen me in my worse and I've pulled him out of moments and holes that even Anna-the love of my life-had a vague idea about. "I wish he could just come home to you"**_

"_**If he does he'll only ask you for money and we both know what he would spend them on" she shook her head in despair. Like she was trying to get the ugly memories disappear.**_

"_**I'll find your brother and I'll help him, I promise." I caught her hands and made her stop dealing with me. It was about her now.**_

"_**I love you, Stefan." I hugged her tight and she cuddled in my embrace like a little kid, trying to hide from reality.**_

"_**I love you too, Annie. And I'll love you beyond the "until" people use for setting borders for their affections. My love for you has no boundary, no finish line ,no fence or wall or door. I am in love with you-now and now is enough of an infinity for me."**_

_**She raised her head from my chest-I could see the tears in her eyes. **_

"_Stefan! Stefan wake up! Please!"_ I heard Bonnie' s desperate voice and her small weak hands shaking my shoulders.

Unwillingly I opened my eyes. It took me a minute to realize that what I've just dreamed was a memory I shared with Anna at the end of our junior year. It wasn't reality though.

"_Bonnie.."_ my voice was hoarse and silent. It got like this when I started working at the wood factory in Chicago. Damon said it was probably because of the dust in there.

"_Hey!"_ she smiled and tried to look relaxed _"You were tossing in your bed and I had to wake you up."_

"_It's ok."_ I still felt a bit dizzy from the drugs so when I tried to raise up and sit still I almost failed the task.

"_Don't get up. Damon said you should get as much rest as you can."_

I shook my head, I didn't want to sleep again. I would probably dream of her again and I couldn't let that happen-it hurts too damn much. I tossed my blanket aside and slowly stood up. She gave me her hand and I felt how warm it was. I was barefooted but I didn't feel cold since the autumn outside was gifting us with warm days.

"_What's the time?"_

"_Around nine in the evening"_ ah, so my brother has left for work already. I let go of her hand and to show her that I'm ok with walking by myself I lead us out of the room. I could hear James playing with his rattles in the kitchen and once we got in there he gave me his big baby goofy smile and stretched his hands towards me.

"_No, no, no. You don't get to pick him I have to feed him, Stefan."_

"_But"_ I gave her my sad puppy face though she remained relentless. James himself let out something like a small baby whine, understanding where things were going to.

"_Uh-uh, James! You'll eat now!"_ she shook her finger against his face and he made an even sadder face._ "Your uncle sits here, next to you and you both eat, you understand?" _I was absolutely sure that an almost seven month old kid could never get to understand her words and I'm convinced she realized that but it was sweet to watch them like this. My mother also argued with Damon when we were little to stop playing with me on the table but he somehow always managed to find a way and we would kick each other when no one was looking.

I humbly sat on the chair next to James and tried not to drive his attention to me but he would always turn his head towards mine and blab his baby sounds in the pauses in which she wasn't giving him a spoon full of some kind of pap.

"_Steefan! What did I tell you?"_ she protested as the kid once again shook his head against the spoon and smiled with his mouth full at me.

"_Well what have I done now? I'm just simply staying here."_ I said with my most innocent voice.

"_Here-take this so I can warm up your meal too."_ she handed me over the spoon and I let a small sight out.

"_Come on, James-a true Salvatore eats his dinner and even asks for more."_ I admit that I wasn't good at feeding him but after fifteen minutes or so we finally got to finish his small plate after many many persuasions from my side and many many grumpy faces from him. Once he saw his bow empty he slapped with his palm, apparently from genuine joy, in it and it jumped and fell down on the floor. My nephew was at this stage of his growth where he would slap and toss everything just to make a noise and feel happy about it.

Bonnie was however mad, cause she has just cleaned, but she wiped his mouth, scolded him a little and went to the sink. Confused, James, turned towards me once again and stretched his hands. His eyes were filled with tiredness, I could see he was about to fell asleep soon but he was trying hard to fight it. I picked him up and hugged him tightly. Then he started playing with the pocket of my shirt and the buttons on it. His grip was surprisingly tight by now.

"_You spoil him too much."_

"_My brother spoils him more!"_ I tried to defend myself _"And his middle name is after all Stefan. I do not only get to spoil him but to brag around about it!"_

"_I'm starting to think it was a mistake to do that."_ she said while smiling, but I took it seriously.

"_I hope that it wasn't."_

"_Stefan!"_ she said seriously _"It was one of the best decisions Damon and I've ever made."_ I stared at her thankfully, trying to show her how much I appreciate that. _"So…you working tomorrow?"_

"_Yeah. I have to go to the Gilbert house."_

"_What? Why so?"_ she turned surprised while holding a dirty plate _"Wasn't you suppose to be at the factory?"_

"_Daniel decided to send me off and fix some kind of porch. I guess I'll see exactly how much work I have to do tomorrow. But the Gilberts are rich. Their house is probably enormous."_

"_Well then take it slowly."_

"_You don't have to be so concerned about me all the time, Bonnie. I can take care of myself." _I tried to give her a reassuring look, but she just shook her head.

"_Come on ,he has to sleep now."_ I handed James over and this time he didn't have the strength to protest, so he just cuddled in his mother and finally closed his eyes. Before she took him away however I stood up and kissed him on the forehead.

"_Sweet dreams, James."_

**Elena's POV**

I think it was around noon when I finally managed to get home. I knew Jenna would be pissed off and we would start fight the moment I came in but once when I finally took my shoes off, which as it turned out was a far more difficult task than I originally thought, I realized she was nowhere to be found.

My brother was either sleeping in his room or was out somewhere with his friends-both of which was ok with me. I avoided him as much as I could lately and I don't think that in the last month we have said anything other than Hey and Bye to each other.

My head hurt so bad the only thing I wanted was to lie down. I knew I shouldn't have gone to that party last night but Tyler convinced me in the last moment. Once again like every time in the past months I got drunk and the problem was I didn't even feel ashamed of myself. I slowly headed to the kitchen do pour myself a glass of water and search for an aspirin when I realized that I could actually hear someone making a terrible noise from the back porch of the house. That surprised me-was Jenna destroying the property now?

Unwillingly and with my head still pulsating like hell I headed to the back door. Once I was actually outside I was surprised to see the hot back of a boy with blond hair who has leaned down and was ripping the white wooden floor apart. It seemed like he has already dealt with almost half of it cause there was a big hole before him.

"_Who the hell are you?"_ once he finally turned around, not as surprised as me but still with a questioning look on his face I realized I've seen him somewhere.

"_Uhm…I'm fixing your porch. Mrs. Sommers hired me a few days ago_." his voice was so warm and kind it made you want to just answer him politely. But I wasn't going do that. Not with the amount of alcohol trying to get out of my system preventing me from thinking clearly. And his strong arms wasn't making it easy for me to concentrate. Oh God-his arms! It all suddenly came back to me-Caroline was talking about him. He was that new boy that almost put me down yesterday. I lost all interest. The way he was dressed somehow pushed me away-he was dirty, sweaty and his hair was beyond messy.

"_Well can you make less noise? My head hurts like hell."_

"_I actually can't do that."_ he answered with a sad and sincere face.

"_Elena!"_ I turned unwillingly at the sound of my aunt's voice. _"You're finally home."_ I furrowed my eyebrows cause I started to see how this was going to end. _"Come inside, we have talk."_

We left the boy alone. I saw that he was uncomfortable being there and this actually surprised me. While Jenna and I yelled at each other in the kitchen I felt like he was trying to make as much noise as he can so as not to hear our words.

**Stefan's POV**

Work made me forget about everything bad in my life. It made me do something and it took my mind away from stuff, from the pain I felt inside me. I loved to work hard and enjoyed the outcome of it even more because it meant I was trying to leave a mark in this world.

Now I had another reason to work even harder. I wanted to earn as much money as I could from this porch fixing because we spend a lot on the medications yesterday. On the other hand the painkillers the doctor gave me were still making my movements slower and I was in this middle condition where my soul was urging me to move faster and faster, to be quicker so that I can do as much as I can today and my body was slowing me down. My hands were trembling and I've been shuffling my legs all day long. I was hoping Jenna didn't notice that cause they might decide to replace me.

Actually once this Elena girl came home they started fighting in the kitchen. I hated fights so I tried to surround myself with enough noise so as not to be able to hear them. Such situations always reminded me of when our parents used to yell at each other. More like when father yelled at mother or when Damon did something bad and father grounded him for weeks. That was when he was home of course, which were the hardest months for us. It was better when he was away.

I decided it was time to stop when I almost hit my hand with the hammer. For a moment there I leaned back on the side of the house and closed my eyes. I could feel sweat streaming down my face. My t-shirt was wet and with the light breeze that appeared a while ago I felt my back a little cold. But it was a nice kind of cold. I looked at my hands and noticed the scratches I've acquired from moving those laths, but they didn't really hurt me since they were already very rough from working all those hours back in Chicago.

I let my pack out and lit a cigarette. Someone might say that working as a carpenter and smoking while doing it is practically a suicide mission and I wouldn't oppose them. Just to make sure I won't burn the house down I stood up and decided to sit at least on the stairs leading to the big backyard, having the fake feeling that this might be somehow bit safer. I realized that the window kitchen was opened and I started distinguishing their words.

"_Elena, you can't keep doing that! You disappear for days and you're not even telling me where you going. You haven't slept in your own bed in probably a week."_

"_Are we really doing this again Jenna? Now what? You'll ground me again?"_

"_You have to get yourself together! It's been months. And I was giving you your space but you have to stop being so selfish and think about the rest of your family too."_

"_My family is dead"_ she yelled and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. _"My parents are dead-buried in the ground, three meters under me and they are not coming back! This is the reality, Jenna. You can't make everything right! They are not like the back porch outside that even a limping teenager can fix! _

"_Elena"_ Jenna's voice sounded both hurt and very serious. _"Don't talk like that!"_

"_Whatever, Jenna."_ it seemed like for Elena the conversation was over

"_Don't walk away from me!"_ one last desperate attempt to keep her as far as I could hear. I put my cigarette down.

There was so much pain in the world that it hurts. Why was it like that? Why can't people keep their families? Why is everything so fragile that we could lose it within a minute? I was trying so hard to convince myself that this life has a meaning and that this world is a beautiful place. And sometimes I really managed to see that. Like when I got up early in the morning, the sun still hasn't come up and the house was so silent, peaceful and it made me glad and grateful that I had to witness the slow awaking of the day while everyone else in the house were still in deep sleep. In such moments while tying my old shoes and leaving for work I couldn't deny that feeling inside me that told me there is something good out there. Was it hope? I couldn't say, but I'm glad it was deep down there in me, cause it meant I wasn't completely lost.

There were other times though where I couldn't understand anything, just like now. How it happens that we can be consumed by anger and grief? How do we fight with what's inside us? How do we oppose our stubbornness and pride? I felt this heaviness inside me all the time that scared me in certain moments and I asked myself will it ever go away?

I didn't know this girl at all and yet I could feel her pain and the bitterness in her voice. None of this was however my business. They were a family and they would probably figure a way to fix things together. Me? I was the limping retard fixing the only thing that could be back to its old self in this house and I was practically invisible.

That didn't mean that I wasn't a human though. And as such I wanted to feel sympathy for this girl, but on the other hand she was beyond mean and disrespectful and that wasn't a way of dealing with a problem. In two words-I was conflicted, but it wasn't my job to fix young broken cheerleaders. I had so much more problems I had to deal with in my own life. Like trying to pay my brother off for yesterday. He should never have to pay for the mistakes I made in the past. We all must face the consequences of our decisions. And I never ever regretted mine even if they seemed wrong to others, even if they kept bringing me enormous pain every day. They were _mine_-I had to live with them for better or for worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! First of all- thank you for the nice reviews and the follows they mean a lot to me. I am sorry if I've provoked some sad feelings and emotions in some of you. I am indeed trying to keep it as realistic as I could and I don't want to make anyone cry. ): **

**Here you have some Stelena scenes going on as well as Peter/Stefan. Let me know what you think of both of them relationships cause I really had five different ways of dialogues between the characters in my head and I deleted and wrote certain moments a couple of times. So it wold mean a lot to let me know if you like it or not.**

**Anyway,enjoy cause it's not gonna be all rainbows and unicorns in next chapter. ((:**

**Stefan's POV**

I came home around eight in the evening so tired that I wasn't sure I could keep my eyes open for a minute more. I really hoped Bonnie has prepared something to eat because I haven't put a single bite in my mouth all day. The whole house was dark except of the kitchen window which meant she was probably feeding James or watching her favorite TV show in there. Damon must have got to work again. I hardly saw him these two days and I didn't like that. He was sometimes the thing that kept me back to earth and didn't let me lose myself in too much thoughts. We often argued a lot but it was a tradition of ours to smoke in the backyard while the nights were still warm and talk about stuff- life, work, sports, everything. I liked that. Lately, thought, work consumed us both and we hardly found time to do that. I think he has a free day tomorrow but on Sundays him, Bonnie and James usually went out for a walk and to shop for our fridge was empty by the end of the week. Sometimes I came with them too. Actually Damon insisted that I go with them but almost every time I was trying to get away from this. They were family-they needed some time together, only the three of them.

Once I finally entered the house I could hear the TV was on. She liked it with the volume up in the sky and that made me smile.

"_Bonnie!"_ I yelled but she didn't respond in any way so when I finally entered the kitchen she almost dropped the iron in her hand.

"_Oh God, Stefan! You scared me."_

"_Well maybe you shouldn't watch those soap operas with the volume so high that the neighbours can listen to it without turning their own TV on!"_ I joked and she furrowed her brows trying to play angry.

"_It's not a soap opera! It's a love story!"_

"_Whatever."_ I looked around and saw James crawling in his bed, which was put in the corner against Bonnie so she can keep an eye on him. _"Hey buddy! What's up?"_ I kissed him on the forehead and he tried to greet me with one of his baby sounds again.

"_Stefan?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_I need a favor tonight."_ I turned around trying to put a smile on but I guess I wasn't very successful in that because her eyes suddenly got this sad expression _"You have to watch him. Emma called me and there's some work to be done. I have to be in their house in fifteen minutes."_ Emma was one of our neighbors. Since Bonnie didn't have a job cause someone was supposed to watch James and we couldn't afford a babysitter, this friend of hers Emma often called for some help. She was a seamstress and Bonnie and her sometimes worked all night long doing extra orders. The money she got from it weren't at all bad. I was feeling like crap tonight but I had to do this. Especially when I have in mind how much money we've spent on me lately.

"_Of course. That won't be a problem."_ I tried sounding optimistic

"_I know you're tired but I could actually get some cash out of this."_

"_Bonnie, really. It's fine."_ I gave her a reassuring look.

"_I'll try to get home by midnight"_ she always said that. But I knew she wouldn't be done until two or three in the morning. She started explaining me what needs to be done and what should I do if he wakes up and he's hungry. Where's the food, oh and not to forget to take a shower, his pajamas was in their room. It was better if I stayed in the kitchen cause it was warmer and so on and so on I really tried hard to listen to her but at moments I definitely lost myself in the chain of advices and must-to-do-things. _"Oh and by the way some boy Peter came by looking for you."_

"_What?"_ that suddenly brought my attention back to reality. In these last few days of school we kept hanging out in the breaks but I really didn't expect him to come look for me. I still couldn't shake the feeling that he was a spoiled rich and very bored boy. I really tried hard not to judge people by their place in the society or by the fact that their parents were assholes. I felt like I should be cautious. I didn't know this guy and my brother worked for his father. What if I say something wrong and then wonder how to fix it just because I was afraid Damon might lose his job. I admit I saw a glimpse of something good in him as well as the loneliness which marked his face and which I managed to notice from the first day. But I didn't want friends. I was desperately trying to avoid that. _"What the hell was he doing here?"_

Bonnie was surprised by the tone of my voice.

"_Well, he said he wanted you to hang out but he didn't know you were working today."_

"_Ugh."_

"_What is wrong? He seems like a polite boy."_

"_He's Thomas Fell's son. That's the problem."_

"_He's the one that owns the car factory?"_ she asked in disbelief when I nodded to confirm.

"_Well I don't think that's relevant. Stefan"_ I knew by the way she said my name that she was about to give me a speech. I really wasn't in the mood to oppose her so I just leaned back on the chair and fixed my eyes on the TV avoiding her look as better as I could _"look at me." _unfortunately she stood right in front of me. I hated it when I was about to be scolded. When my mother did that I always felt so bad. Even James has stopped his mumbling and was looking at us with his interested peaked and maybe a little confused by the tone of his mother's voice _"You have to make friends."_ I let a sight out. _"No, no, don't snort at me like a horse. You can't keep running away from your life. When was the last time you went outside with friends to have fun, huh? When was the last time you took a break and just enjoyed your free day? You spend the better half of this last year in a hospital or inside the house, or looking for a job. "_

"_Bonnie I"_

"_No. I won't let you isolate yourself from the world. I know you prefer this whole lone wolf lifestyle but you need to find at least one soul out there that you can have a beer with and talk about your boyish bullshits with."_

At this point I was laughing already. She always got so funny at some point of her full-of-truth speeches.

"_I am trying to be serious here."_ she furrowed her eyebrows this time with a very determined expression on her face.

"_Hey James, you hear your mother? We're so going talk about boyish stuff tonight, huh?"_ she slapped me on the back of my neck like my brother used to do all the time while James again gave us his wide toothless smile. _"I can't wait for the moment when you'll have to give him the sex talk."_

"_Shut up, Stefan."_ she returned to ironing one of Damon's shirts and hurried up to finishing the rest of the clothes cause she was about to get late _"Anyway, I gave him your phone number so he's going to call you."_

"_You did what? Bonnie!"_

"_Uh-uh. Don't Bonnie me. Plus I felt more bad for him then for you."_

"_What am I now? Some entertainment for the rich kids? Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Like I don't know-maybe rich helping poor or anything?"_

"_I love it how you try to play tough and proud and stubborn but in reality we both know it –you feel bad for him."_

"_No, I don't"_ but I did. She knew me so better.

In ten minutes she was gone and in order for me to overcome my tiredness I made myself a whole jug of coffee. James was so restless this evening he wouldn't fall asleep no matter how much I talked him and carried him around the room even when my knee started hurting. I knew that from the movement he must get tired because every time we went outside with the pram he was out five minutes later. I guess to some extent my theory worked and by the time I finally put him to bed I needed another cup.

Next day I slept until three in the afternoon. Damon was a little angry that I didn't spent the morning with them and now I was about to head out and meet Peter. I tried to joke around with him but he was simply grumpy. I guess it wasn't only about me but we didn't have time to really talk about it. Bonnie was also very tired from working almost all night long so by the time I was about to leave the house she was sleeping and Damon was taking care of James.

I always took the bus to head downtown. Our neighborhood was at the edge of Mystic Falls, where the middle and the lower class occupied small wooden houses with little front or back yards. The sky seemed sadder here, the only noises you could hear while walking to the bus stop were children's cries from not fully closed windows and 7-8 year old kids playing football in something which should look like a park. Tired faces on the crowded pavements, people coming home from tiring day at the fabrics or heading to night shifts. I was passing by sadness and moving through reality.

Once I finally got to the town center Peter greeted me with one of his goofy smiles and we headed to the store as to buy beer with my fake id. It didn't felt awkward though. I felt like I've known him for years and not just from a week. We started talking sports and it turned out I wasn't wrong when I noticed that he had a basketball player posture-he really did play. But not in the high school team. Last time he tried to get in there was two years ago. They accepted him but a month later he refused to keep playing. _"Too much cocky douches"_ was his excuse. It turned out I had a whole wrong first impression about him and that statement bended down even more when we got into his house.

It was an enormous one. Maybe only the Lockwoods had something that big and I wasn't sure which one looked better. Only his living room was around three times bigger than our whole house.

"_So..where are your parents?"_ I asked trying to make a small talk.

"_Oh, they divorced two years ago. My mother left and I haven't seen her since. Father is somewhere out of town and my big brother is studying in New York. We saw each other last Easter, I think."_ he responded with his calmest voice.

His answer surprised me and I suddenly stopped following him. Was I really that blind all this time? The boy seemed broken, now I was starting to understand why. I tried to hide my emotions so as not to make him uncomfortable but I really felt so bad. How did I even judged him without knowing what was really happing in his life?

I opened my eyes. He had the biggest house in this god forsaken town but he was alone.

"_I'm"_ I tried apologizing for something that wasn't even my fault.

"_No, please. Don't say you're sorry. I know you mean it but..don't say it"_

"_Okay. "_ he smiled friendly at me and we went outside, to what seemed like a big backyard, which wasn't consisted of nicely cultivated grass but from what looked like a small basketball playground. _"Wow..that's nice."_

"_You like it?"_

"_You have your own court at the back of your house, Peter. I think your question is unreasonable."_

"_Come on"_ he threw the ball at me and I caught it with the risk of losing my balance. _"You said you used to play."_

"_Yeah..I used to-that's the key phrase here. Are you blind or something? Or is that a joke?"_ I suddenly got a bit angry. I barely walked. What was this all about? I threw the ball back at him and he almost failed to catch it. _"Is that why you brought me here? To make fun of me?"_

"_What? No, Stefan, I"_ now he was the one who was surprised. I saw guilt in his eyes but turned my back on him. _"Hey, hey, wait. I didn't mean anything like that. Look I just wanted to show this to you cause I thought you might like it."_

I sighed. There was regret in his voice. I don't think he really meant to insult me at all.

"_What do you really want from me?"_

"_I don't want anything. Come on, Stefan. You know I didn't mean that. And I'm sorry if I offended you somehow."_

For a moment we stayed in uncomfortable silence.

Oh to hell…I'm going to give it a chance.

"_Fell…you're a douche bag!"_ I laughed and grabbed the ball from his hands. Then I turned around and made a three point strike.

"_Wow, you're good."_

"_I was good."_ I emphasized on the past tense. _"Let's see you." _I nodded him towards the ball and in a few minutes he was already throwing it in the air.

We spent the next hour outside-him showing me what he can do and me pointing out how wrong he's doing it. It was nice though. I haven't felt like that since Damon and I played football in our backyard when we were little. Most of the time I watched him but I made a few shots from standing at one single place just to make myself feel good. I can't deny I had this thrill inside me every time I pushed my hands into the air. But that was in the past now. I could never play normally again. Only trying to jump caused me enough pain as it was. Peter however was careless in his game as he was in his life- he threw the ball and randomly waited for it to somehow end up in the hoop and he wasn't running fast enough. I didn't tell him all that, though but I tried to guide him through some stuff. He seemed to be taking my advices.

After it finally went completely dark we got inside and played some video games until we decided we were dying from hunger so we headed to something that he called _The Grill_. We ordered the biggest sandwiches there were offering as well as fries. The place was too full for Sunday night if you ask me but Peter enlightened me that most kids came here with their families on weekends since the rich were too lazy to cook in their only free days.

"_Oh, look who's here"_ I turned around only to notice that Jenna, Elena and that other girl she always hanged out with in school came in. Thank God they didn't notice us but the way Peter was staring at them made me suspicious.

"_Let's get out of here"_ his face suddenly attained this expression between bitterness and some kind of strange determination.

I nodded and followed him. He was strangely quiet so I let out my pack and offered him a cigarette.

"_It's best after you've eaten, right?"_ he asked and we headed down the street towards the biggest park in town. He walked somehow slowly now and seemed to be overwhelmed with memories. For a moment I felt like I wasn't even there.

"_So, you want to tell me what happened between you and this blond girl?"_ somehow my words brought him back to reality and he turned to me with a sad look. The subject was obviously sensitive. Peter let a deep sight out and the smoke from the cigarette disappeared in the air.

"_Caroline Forbes."_ he stopped for a moment like he was trying to put his words into place. Then with a slow pace we continued. My knee was starting to hurt but I wasn't about to tell him right in this moment that I couldn't keep walking. Plus this wasn't about me anymore. _"I've known her since we were kids as her parents are from the founding families."_ he took a drag on his cigarette trying to slow down the story. Apparently saying it all out loud hurt so I decided to help him as I was already starting to see where this was heading to.

"_She was your childhood love?"_ he seemed to be relieved by the statement he had difficulties spilling out. Then he nodded and we continued filling the darkness with our silent, almost inaudible steps. _"And she broke up with you?"_

This time he shook his head.

"_She couldn't break anything she didn't know even existed in the first place."_

"_So you never told her?"_

"_I never did."_ this time I swear I could almost see tears in his eyes but he hurried to look away _"She hates my guts though, we've been arguing like cat and dog since we were little. Now I guess she's more .." _he paused trying to find the right word _"indifferent to me."_

"_Maybe that can change."_ I was desperately trying to sound optimistic and after everything that I learned about him today I thought I owe him at least that.

He simply shook his head and we went on bashing the rest of the high school society. I felt there was something about him and Caroline that he wasn't telling me. I was ok with that though-I wasn't hanging out with him because I wanted to know his secrets. Bonnie was right-I just needed a soul to have a beer in peace with.

**Elena's POV**

After I got home from school Jenna and I had another one of our fights. That seemed to become a part of my daily routine so someone could hardly say I was surprised when my aunt, for the millionth time threw her hands in the air, filled with despair and went outside leaving me standing alone, trembling from anger in the kitchen, breathing the sad delirium possessing every single corner of this house.

That didn't last long though cause I was brought back to earth by the steady beats of a hammer coming from outside and I headed towards the back door with the intention to scream at him and force him to stop working but as soon as I went out and saw him there-bended down, with the hammer in his hand, sweat streaming down his face, looking completely ruined from working, probably all afternoon, something in me prevented me from bursting out. He stopped whatever on earth he was doing and looked at me. His glance wasn't judging or full of pity. What I saw in them confused me completely-it was understanding. He stood up and slowly came by the stairs. I didn't realize I was following him. Once we sat down he lit a cigarette and wiped off the sweat of his forehead with the sleeve of the work shirt tied on his waist. At this moment I wasn't the high school queen, I wasn't the quarterback's girlfriend. I was simply me-sharing a silent moment with a boy I didn't know.

What was going on with me? What was I doing? Why was I here now?

"_So..are you going to say it out loud?"_ I turned to him surprised by the sound of my own voice.

He smiled and for a moment threw me a surprised glance, but then hurried to look away.

"_You want me to actually speak to you? Did you forget that I am the limping retard fixing your porch?"_ the way he spoke my own words made something inside me clinch. But they weren't accusative or filled with anger. They sounded even somehow childishly honest.

"_If you're looking for an excuse you're not getting one."_

"_I am certainly not expecting that."_ he let the smoke out and handed me over his cigarette. I finished it while we stood in silence. He wasn't expecting anything from me. He wasn't judging me. He just simply shared my amusement at the fact how screwed up this world could be. I didn't need to know him-on the opposite. I was craving for a single soul out there who had no idea who I am or what has happened or how did I used to behave. I craved for an unknown understanding and I got it from this boy. A boy I used to mock a few days ago but with whom now I shared my pain. He wasn't indifferent, he wasn't judging and honestly he was the first one in months I didn't feel uncomfortable being in the presence with.

We stood like that for another twenty minutes. I caught him watching the sky a few times and smiling to himself like he was remembering something. I avoided staring at him though, not because he could get the wrong impression but because I felt like invading his privacy.

I didn't know his story. Hell, I knew nothing about him other then the fact that he was a the new boy in town. Every other conclusion I drew for him was based on the way he was dressed, which as I now realized was incredibly stupid. Did he seem poor-yes and what if he was? As we were standing there I realized that this wasn't what drove me away the first time- it was the emotional weight he was wearing with himself that people don't notice in the first place. There was such deep sadness in his eyes but also a kind of determination in his posture. He didn't seem defeated- he seemed willing to do whatever he had to. For what reason? I didn't know. Maybe he had a family he cared about or a girlfriend who pushed him to keep going. Whatever it was I couldn't prevent myself from envying him for having it. I didn't let the feel of admiration that passed through my mind sink in.

Eventually he stood up and I look at him annoyed by the fact that the only comfortable moment I had in months was about to disappear into the oblivion of the evening reality.

"_I am sorry, but I have to finish this."_ he said, his voice still so warm and kind. I nodded and he returned back to putting the new laths in the left part of the porch. I stood up and headed to the door. For a moment something inside me screamed to stop and at least thank him somehow but I didn't. I got inside feeling both angry and relieved.

I couldn't understand what was happening inside me.

**Damon's POV**

I was sitting on our bench in the back of the house when I heard my brother's voice in the kitchen. He has just come in, I guess, feeling pretty tired but he knew I was outside. For the first time in a week our work schedules weren't preventing us from seeing each other.

"_Hey brother"_ he greeted and slowly came closer. Honestly-he didn't seem better than me.

"_What's up?"_ I asked and moved aside so he can sit down.

"_Work."_ was the only thing he said and it was also the only answer that seemed completely adequate for all my questions _"How's at the car factory? You seemed pissed yesterday."_

"_That son of a bitch Thomas Fell is killing us. He's urging everyone to work extra hours so that we can finish the orders earlier than planned."_ I let a sigh out _"How are the Gilberts doing?"_

"_Ah, so Bonnie told you"_ he smiled not at all surprised by the fact that I already knew he wasn't at the factory these days. _"Well everything is better than Daniel screaming at me all day long. But I guess it will take me till the rest of the week to finish the job."_

"_I haven't seen you study? Aren't they giving you homework or do you just prefer to forget about them."_

"_Damon…"_ he let a sign out prepared to fight me but that was not my intention at all.

"_I'm not looking to stir the water, Stefan. I get it-you barely find time to sleep, but you have to at least try and do whatever you can. I'm not urging you to be a straight A student. I just don't want you to have to go through your senior year for the third time because you know I won't give up and allow you to drop out now."_

"_You realize that I have no intentions of even applying to college, Damon?"_ he wasn't defending himself anymore. He sounded realistic and completely honest.

"_I do. And I know studying is the least of your concern right now, but I want you to finish high school. You're smart and even though you're trying desperately to hide that fact I know it. You're doing too many things for me already that's why I think it's time you do something for yourself, yeah?"_

He has bend his head down, staring at his shoes silently. He was thinking and like always loosing himself in it.

I put my hand on his shoulder.

"_Brother I just"_

"_I know, Damon"_ he interrupted me and a light understanding smile appeared on his lips. _"I'll try my best."_

After a while I send him back inside to shower and get to sleep because I couldn't stand a minute more looking at him like that. Before I went to bed however I saw the light of his room on. I slowly opened the door and found him asleep with the geometry book opened in his lap as well as a notebook in which he apparently was writing his homework. I drew them out of his hands and since I couldn't find a single place where to put them, because there wasn't any space for a desk in his small room I left them down on the floor, covered him with the blanket, turned the light off and let him sleep, while a small grateful sigh escaped my lips.

**Stefan's POV**

I worked four more days in the Gilbert house. Every afternoon, when Jenna went out and Elena came home from what seemed like cheerleading practice, she would come outside, wait for me to finish whatever I was doing and then we would sit on the stairs just consumed by silence. I would lit a cigarette and somewhere in the middle of it I would give it to her so that she can finish it. We got something like half an hour of silence. She wouldn't say a word and I wouldn't either. In those moments she wasn't the high school most popular girl and I wasn't the new poor limping boy. That however didn't mean she started behaving better, on the contrary-she continued to be mean towards Jenna, me, and any other poor freshman in this school- changes don't happen overnight. That was never my goal. Damn..I don't think I had a goal when it comes to this girl in the first place.

Often when I was on my way home I was asking myself- what was this all about? It seemed so strange to me and I often questioned both her and my sanity. Was this normal? To just sit like that and not talk at all with a girl I didn't even know?

Then, on the other hand-why was I desperately trying to find sense in anything?

In those silent moments I felt she was sharing her grief. It was like a cloud that surrounds your whole body once you let it all out. I often noticed that about my brother a little after our mother passed away- he held his grief deep inside him, but in the moments he thought I would never see it, I did and it hit me unexpectedly even if I knew it was there this whole time.

Watching someone else like this is beyond ruining. It leaves you desperate, helpless.

When I watched Elena though I didn't feel helpless. Somehow I got this idea in my head that sharing a silent half an hour with her was making all that weight she had inside her lift up a bit. At least I hoped so.

She didn't knew that my last day there was going to be my last day there until she saw me finishing the painting of the porch. For a moment her eyes grew big, scared. Had she not noticed that I'm about to come to an end of this thing? Was she that much consumed by her thoughts? I tried to give her a reassuring smile and stood up leaving the white-colored brush away and heading towards the stairs. Jenna was home this time. I knew it because she said I should finish up so we can go to the factory together and discuss the whole work and the payment with Daniel.

That was the reason I didn't hand her my cigarette this time but continued smoking on my own.

"_So…you're done."_ I honestly didn't expect her to say anything. Not today, not when I was about to leave.

"_I am."_ I still was avoiding her look. Was I curious to ask her about all this? Did I want to know what's the meaning of it? Did she even have an answer for me?

Despite all those questions in my head I remained silent. That was the end of the deal in the first place- we don't talk, we just sit here with our own problems and pray for better days when the world seems somehow more understandable.

"_The first day you were here you said you didn't expect me to apologize to you. Why so?"_

"_I'm sure you know the answer to the question yourself."_ this time I turned towards her. By the look on her face I realized she wanted to hear the words out loud, but I wasn't going to say them. She had to say it to herself first in order for something here to change.

"_Ok, I got it."_ a light smile appeared on her face _"Can I ask you something else then?"_

I nodded and threw the cigarette butt down.

"_What will you use the money for?"_ she asked as if I had won the lottery and not simply fixed a porch at the back of some rich people's house.

"_You think I'm going to get a lot of money for this?"_ I laughed out loud. _"Wow..ok I guess you really don't have an idea how it works in the middle-class world."_ she gave me a confused look and I thought I should at least explain myself so I let a deep sight out and started _"I work. For the fact that the factory has send one of their people here instead of making them finish far more profitable orders there they get more money from your aunt and they still give me the same salary at the end of the month because it doesn't matter how much energy or hours I have spend-I am at the bottom of the chain, a boy for everything, a simple worker. But on your previous question-I'm going to give the money to my brother because he needs them."_

"_So you worked your ass for someone else?"_

"_No, I worked my ass because I'm not the only person in my family."_ this time I felt my words hit her. She even pushed herself a bit away looking like she can't completely understand what I'm saying and letting it sink in at the same time.

We were, however, interrupted by Jenna opening the door. She was also stunned when she saw us there but after a few seconds she got herself together and told me it was time to leave. She disappeared adding that she needs to get her purse and Elena and me both stood up, facing each other for a moment.

I reached in my jeans pocket and let out a small note out which I handed to her.

"_What's that?"_

"_That's for you."_ it was my address _"If you ever feel that you need to stay in silence with someone. And no, please don't burst out at me."_ I could see her angry face already. She was about to give me a hard time but I somehow managed to prevent it by speaking faster _"I don't want anything from you, I have no ulterior motives, nor is this some kind of game to me. I don't try to reach out to you and tell you how much shit I've been through in my whole life . But I am human. You are human too. And if you ever feel like a lost human you can come, knock on my door and I'll give you a cigarette." _then I slowly walked away but decided to turn one last time only to see her with the note in her hands. I could feel she was conflicted. _"Goodbye."_ that was all I added but she didn't let a single word out.

Next day when we went to school Peter welcomed me with the news that Elena Gilbert was no longer the captain of the cheerleading squad.


	5. Chapter 5

**Since I still have some free time these days and I want to post as much as I can before the second semester has started, here's another chapter. This one might leave you a bit on...edge. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you again for the kind reviews, they keep me going. **

**Let me know what you think of this one. ((:**

**Stefan's POV**

In the next two weeks I understood two things about Peter Fell-one was that he often got very very drunk, collapsed at certain unknown to the mankind places and if he was sane enough he called me to find him and get him home. Four times he was so bad that it scared me. I was trying to help him, talk to him in those moments but he either blabbed non senses or he was brutally realistic-both of which made me feel desperate. When we first met I had no idea he had such a problem. I didn't know why he was doing that. I was afraid to say out loud the reasons I believed he was doing it for-that he wanted to forget about the fact that his mother didn't give a damn about him anymore or that his father was barely home-and when he was they fought and he managed to get himself in an even worse condition.

When I was going out with him in the weekends I prevented him from getting wasted. Moreover I pushed him to do other stuff. We would go out to this basketball court in my neighborhood where nobody knew him and I would help him get his game straight. I wanted to find him a purpose in life so I was desperately trying to make him participate in the try outs for the high school basketball team, which, as it turned out, was more than tragic in the last few years. He was very stubborn when it came to this matter because, just like me, he hated attention. He wasn't craving for prizes or recognition from full of hormones teenagers who believed they own the world. He resented them.

The second thing I learned about Peter Fell those two weeks was that he never appreciated his own efforts. He would do good, he would score or run faster, he would succeed in understanding a certain new tactic I've told him but he would never let himself be happy about it even when I was encouraging him to admit that he has made it.

He hated that- it was something inside him that always prevented him from fully enjoying anything he has worked his ass for. When he made a good score he never smiled, he just turned around and ran to catch the ball. He didn't like when someone was trying to control him either, that's why we often yelled at each other until I finally made him see that he's doing it wrong. That's another reason why he didn't want to join the team.

"_I don't want some shithole of a coach to tell me how I should put the ball in the fucking basket "_ Oh yeah..another thing-he cursed a lot too.

"_But you let me tell you how to do stuff, I can't see what's the problem with the coach?"_

"_You are you. The coach is..another thing."_

"_Wow, Peter I just love your logic sometimes."_ I would say and he would threw the ball at me trying to give it back but I knew he was just joking around. I simply sighed, happy that he's not drunk

He was stubborn beyond borders but so was I and that's the real reason why he listened to me and why he called me when he had no idea what was going on around him- he knew I wouldn't leave him, because I understood his stubbornness and even if I judged it almost all the time I knew the real reason for all his actions. I never showed him sympathy or mercy when I found him like this- I would either calmly take care and take him home or I would scold him that he should stop running his life like that- either way, he wouldn't stop drinking and I wouldn't stop coming to find him.

Because of all that combined with work, watching James and getting my butt to school I was already failing three classes, which was actually very optimistic considering Peter was failing almost everything. I haven't given in a single assignment even the one we had to write for the history class. I couldn't decide whether the problem was that I didn't have time or that I didn't want to find time. Besides the conversation Damon and me had a while ago I still couldn't help but fail to find the meaning of all this. It wasn't that I didn't want to make my brother proud. It was just something in me that pushed me back every time I was trying to find a reason why I should do a certain homework. I knew this week we had a parent's meeting but the good thing was that Damon was about to be send to Atlanta along with some other workers from the factory for six days, which meant he wouldn't be able to attend it, and I was more than relieved about that fact.

He was about to head there tonight and I was really trying to walk faster so I can get on the bus and catch him before he goes but the truth is my knee was giving me a hard time lately. Once I came back to the factory from the Gilbert porch fix Daniel was treating me beyond worse. I had to unload the trucks with the materials and it was hell for me. It took me enormous amount of self concentration and stubbornness to keep going even when all I wanted to do was sit in one single place and not move at all. The evenings were worse though- I often woke up from the pain and stayed like that for at least two hours.

Thank God Damon was too buried in his own work that he didn't notice something was wrong. Him and Bonnie managed to spend some times together this weekend because I kicked them out of the house and promised them I'll take care of James. Honestly- I did it more for myself and the kid than for them. There were always certain moments in the month when they would both go crazy that there isn't enough time for them to spend together. In those unfortunate days Bonnie would be extremely anxious and my brother would curse everything he sees in front of him which resulted in me and James getting scolded more than usually. They couldn't stay apart for long- for everything to work well at home, they needed to spend time together. Otherwise I might as well set fire to the house myself. I often admired their love because it was both passionate and beyond destructive. I never envied them though- because Anna and me- we once had something like that.

When I finally got home Bonnie opened the door with a sad expression on her face.

"_I missed him?"_

"_You did."_ she let a small sight out _"I'm sorry, Stefan."_ But I was the one to feel sorry, because I wanted to tell him bye and just show him that he can trust me to be the man in the house until he comes back. I was greatly disappointed in myself once again and when Bonnie tried to make me come to the kitchen and eat I declined her offer by saying I was tired. Which was the truth- I wanted to simply lie down and rest some.

When I finally hit the bed I couldn't sleep right away. I don't know how but my thoughts let me to Elena Gilbert. I never expected her to come to me after I gave her the address. Ok, maybe I had some hopes, but I still couldn't deny the fact that there was this feeling of failure inside me not only when it came to her but to Peter and my brother too.

I couldn't really help neither of them.

She has left the cheerleading squad and she has been skipping more classes than me and Peter combined- and that was saying a lot. There were some rumors her and Tyler broke up but even if they were true or not that still couldn't prevent this jerk from making up with random girls in the boy's toilet. I actually felt like I've done more bad than good. I've felt like I've mislead her.

I tossed and turned for half an hour but I finally got up and went to the kitchen where Bonnie was putting James to bed. We talked a little until the doorbell interrupted my thoughts and she went to open because she was waiting for Emma to come by. When she came back alone however and with a surprised but somehow a bit satisfied look on her face I gave her a confused look.

"_There's a girl outside looking for you."_

"_What?"_ Elena. That was my first thought. And I wasn't wrong. I approached the door slowly limping. She has denied coming inside and she was definitely avoiding my look. She seemed..shy. Something I never thought I'll see Elena Gilbert feeling.

"_Hey."_ I started trying to sound cheerful.

"_Hey. I'm sorry for coming."_ she mumbled as silently as she could. Elena was dressed in old skinny jeans and a big grey sweater under which I could see a red t-shirt. Her long beautiful brown hair wasn't in the usual high pony tail but was streaming down her skinny shoulders. There was no make- up on her face and that made her eyes seem sincerely sad.

"_I am not."_ I answered _"Come on. Let's go for a walk."_ She nodded and waited while I put my trainers on.

I took her to the basketball court me and Peter have been going to this past few weeks. There were no people during that time of the evening. We sat on the wooden benches beside and for a moment stood in silence. I decided that it was just going to be like before when we used to sit on the porch stairs but she decided to disturb the silence.

"_I'm confused."_ she let it out as a statement. I could feel how much she had thought before saying the words out loud because when she finally did they left there hanging for a moment, waiting for me to respond properly.

"_You don't know what to do anymore."_ I also let out a statement and not a question. I knew better than to ask her how she is or why she's feeling like that.

"_No, I don't." _

"_Ok"_ I leaned back on the bench prepared to hear her out _"So what bothers you then? Say it out loud."_

"_I.."_ she stuttered

"_Look, Elena. I don't really know you but if you want me to somehow help you have to start talking about it. Otherwise we can keep staying in silence and smoking our cigarettes all night long and I wouldn't mind, but I don't see how that's doing you any good."_

She let a deep sight out and even though it was so dark and the only light was the one coming from the street lamp I managed to catch the fact that she closed her eyes. She was thinking.

"_I miss them"_ she finally let out _"I miss them every day, every minute and I can't stop thinking about them. I don't think I know how to do things anymore. How to get up, go to school, how to keep on-"_

"_Living"_ I finished the sentence for her and noticed that she has put her hand on the edge of the bench, holding the piece of wood with all her strength as if her life depended on it _"Here's a truth I've learned in my life. And no I'm not going give you some sob story or try to rub in my life experience"_ I added because I felt her tense _"You'll never stop missing them, Elena. You'll carry this weight with you every day for the rest of your life. And I know that it's depressing, hell I know it seems like it's setting you some borders you'll never be able to cross but it's not like that. For you to learn how to keep on going you need to figure a way to balance that weight inside you. You need to find other things that make that weight lift up every once in a while or otherwise it will eat you up inside."_

"_What do you suggest?"_

"_Write it out."_ I simply said. _"Take a notebook or whatever and just write it all out. Everything that crosses your mind. It doesn't have to be necessarily about your parents. Then-don't reread it. Just leave it like that, close it, hide it somewhere if you're so afraid someone might find it out. If you decide you'll write again the next day-skip a page and continue on the next one."_ she kept staring at some point in front her but after a few minutes she nodded.

We stayed there for maybe ten more minutes and she decided that it was time to go. As I stood up I felt the sharp pain in my knee again and for a moment lost my balance so I grabbed the back of the bench with my face clenching. She noticed it and asked if I was ok with a confused and maybe a little concerned look.

I nodded and she patiently waited for my pain to pass away. Once it did we took off slowly to the place where she has parked her car.

"_Are you sure you"_

"_I'm fine."_ I interrupted her a bit abruptly but then tried to give her a reassuring smile. She opened the door and I waited for her to get in but instead she turned around. I saw her struggling with words until I finally understood what she was trying to say.

"_It's ok, Elena. You are welcome."_

**Elena's POV**

I have no idea how I ended up at the Salvatore house. I just couldn't keep on going like that. I felt trapped and helpless. Like there was no air in the room- I felt myself suffocating.

I'm not exactly sure what was happening between me and that boy. Why did I felt safe around him? I barely knew him. In school I acted as if I don't know him, but I often caught myself staring at him and Peter Fell while they smoked in the backyard.

I felt he had this deep sadness in him-maybe that's what drew me in the first place. He was in this place beyond despair and he carried something so big inside him that I wondered what did happen to him? Was it worse than what happened to me?

I was afraid to ask him. Moreover-I wasn't sure he wanted to discuss it in the first place.

When I got to this house I realized how different his life must be from mine. There were tossed shoes with holes on them in front of the door and I could hear a baby's cry from the inside. Once he finally appeared he was dressed in a simple white shabby t-shirt and faded jeans which were too big for him. He seemed tired but he smiled, trying to make me feel comfortable when in reality I was beyond confused. Once we finally walked away from the house however and he took me to something which looked like a basketball court I felt the tension in my shoulders lift up. I felt safe.

I really didn't know how to put my words to express what was going on inside me. In the beginning he probably thought we were going to stay silent. Somehow I got the impression that he thinks I hate him or that he drew me away somehow and that is why I didn't talk. But it wasn't that…I was just too screwed up for my own good.

When I finally tried to say what was going on in my head he helped me express myself. We talked a little and even if I wasn't willing to admit it he gave me something I haven't had in months-hope. Hope, that maybe things will get better.

I caught him staring at the sky and the first stars that have appeared and was about to ask him if he finds it beautiful but then I realized it will probably sound cheesy or cliché and I didn't want our…relationship to be like this. Up until now whenever I was in his company it felt real. But not this reality that shook my whole body, made me tremble and deprived me from my sleep. No, it was like..reality in another, safer world, where I never felt the fear of losing someone.

Was I attracted to him? Yes, I didn't want to admit it to myself but he looked good. He seemed to has lost some weight from the first time I met him in school but his hands were still so big and strong that even watching at them made you feel safer. In the moments before I fell asleep I wondered what it would feel like to be hugged by him but I never let the thought of that sink in. I couldn't be with someone right now. I was too broken and he didn't seem to be doing perfect either no matter how tough he was trying to play in front of me. I liked that though-he wasn't trying to hide from me. He had his problems and if you look at him carefully you can see him carrying it around with himself everywhere he went.

I didn't feel like talking anymore. He gave me something to think about, a way in which I could express whatever was going on inside me. I don't know why I should do what he suggested but I felt that it was a good advice and it might help me.

I was the one to stood up first this time but he didn't throw me a surprised or disappointed look. He smiled and stood up after me but for a moment I saw him losing his balance. The thought that he must be in a lot of pain all the time he was walking hit me right now for the first time and I even felt a little guilty for making him get out tonight. He must've been working all day long and instead of taking a break I probably dragged him out of his bed.

My pride however didn't allow me to apologize and I only asked if he feels ok to which he somehow abruptly answer that everything was fine. When we got to my car and we said our goodbyes I waited until I saw him getting inside. He wasn't aware that I was watching his slow and bended walk from the car.

**Stefan's POV**

I have finally fallen asleep in a little after midnight. First the pain made me turn left and right for a few hours and then I heard James waking up in Bonnie' s room, crying out so loud that I was about to get up and check what was wrong just when he finally seemed to have calmed down. Daniel was beyond harsh on me today by making me unload three trucks and my whole body hurt, not to mention the fact that the medications didn't seem to be helping me at all. I was beyond irritated by people who thought they own this world so when my phone started buzzing I let a deep annoyed sigh out and looked up only to see Peter's name on the screen. Damn…he was probably drunk again.

"_Peter"_ I suddenly forgot my irritation. It was replaced with worry.

"_Stefaaaaan, my own personal coach."_ his voice was had this happy tinge when he was drunk

"_Where are you, Peter. I'll come get you."_ he didn't need to tell me something's wrong. I could figure it only by the sound of his voice.

"_I am…"_ he seemed confused by my question and then when he couldn't comprehend a reasonable answer he decided it was easier to change the subject _"Hey Stefan you know what? My father told me I am complete and total loser tonight."_

"_Peter."_ I sighed. I swear I could see him trying hard to prevent the tears from streaming down his face. He was about to break down _"Please just tell me where you are."_

"_No, no, you don't understand, pal."_ he laughed out but I felt the sadness in his voice _"I am a looooser."_

"_You are not a loser, Peter. Do you hear me?"_

"_No, but I am. My father told me so. And we shall always listen to our parents, isn't that right, Stefan?"_

"_Your father is an asshole with his pride up in the sky and I've told you numerous times not to pay attention to his words."_ it was really hard to convince him into something when he was sober, let alone when he was drunk. _"Now will you finally tell me where you are?"_

"_Why do you care so much? Haven't you understood that by now, Stefan. No one in this fucking life gives a damn about us. "_

"_That's not true. I give a damn about you, Peter. "_

"_No…"_ I imagined him shaking his head

"_Listen to me, you asshole."_ I was beginning to get angry and in the same time I was trying to suppress the suffocating sadness climbing up my throat. _"You are my friend. Do you listen to me, Peter?" _for a moment he stayed silent. Maybe he was starting to sober up or maybe not, but he was listening me. He was trying to let my words sink in. _"You are my friend."_ I repeated.

"_Yeah?"_ he asked unbelievably.

"_Yeah."_ I sighed relieved _" Now tell me where you are and I'll come."_

With Peter it was hard not to break down when you see him drunk. It was as if he was wounded somewhere when in reality he wasn't. His hair was beyond messy because he had this habit of drawing his fingers through it. He usually got pale but he didn't puke that much which was a relieve for me. I silently thanked God that he wasn't heavy either because with me limping it made everything harder. Since I couldn't really drive a car because my leg was screwed up I had to walk as fast as I could, get a cab from the edge of our neighborhood, drive downtown to get him-which took some time and then take him home. Which as someone might guess cost a lot of my cigarette money. But I didn't really care about that. I admit I felt very worried until I finally found him and see that he's ok. I was afraid that one night I might be late and something will happen to him.

He was usually either very calm when he was drunk or he was talking a lot, being brutally honest by the mistakes he has made in his life. I swear that by now I knew which size were Caroline Forbes's dresses from his constant drunk blabbing about her. The situation was beyond comic, but also sad at the same time.

He was very stubborn tonight and didn't want me to get him home. He said he doesn't want to see his father because they'll just get into another fight and I actually agreed with him so I decided to bring him home. Bonnie would probably kill me in the morning but I couldn't leave him, not like that.

So I told him to shut his mouth up once we got inside and led him to my room. He practically tossed himself on my bed and I went to sleep on the couch we had in the kitchen. This time I didn't need to think of something so I could doze off. The sad reality was the best sleeping pill on earth.

**Damon's POV**

When I finally came home after those disastrous six days I decided that I should take my wife out for dinner since I have missed her so damn much. We called Stefan and told him that James will be at Emma this evening so he wouldn't have to take care of him. Bonnie said he looked tired lately and all I wanted to do when I see him is thank him for being there for my family when I was away but right now I needed to spend a romantic evening with my wife, kiss her all I want and feel better for the world was sometimes a very hard place.

She looked incredible in the dress I bought her from Atlanta and I felt beyond lucky for having her. We didn't often went out because we couldn't afford spending money on such things as fancy dishes in fancy restaurants but I actually got some cash for working in Atlanta this week and I was willing to spend them in the name of seeing my wife's happy and careless smile. She needed that as much as I did-taking care of a baby wasn't an easy thing to do. Above that she had to cook for us both, wash and iron our clothes and eventually-when there was the opportunity for that-to go work with Emma. She didn't had it easier than me and Stefan. There were big circles under her eyes tonight because James was very pesky last evening and didn't want to sleep but with a few glasses of wine and me joking around about whatever I could think of her whole face expression changed and light up a little bit.

After dinner we took a walk in the town center and I bought her ice cream, just like when we first met. I wanted to act like I was a teenager again-to bring her back t joy of feeling careless and free. To give her a minute of the world where we would recklessly make-up in her front porch until her father came out and kick me out of his property. I wanted to show her how deeply in love I am with her still and how I'm never ever going to stop loving her. Without her I was lost. All those moments after my mother's death and everything that went down with Stefan after Anna's passing – I just don't know what I would've done without her.

Around midnight she persuaded me to go home because James couldn't stay that long at Emma's. Even though I didn't want the evening to end she was right-and moreover I was missing my son and wanted to hug him tight. He was, however, asleep when we took him and I carried him in my arms feeling completely and utterly happy only from the regular beating of his heart pressed next to mine. James made our world complete and happier. He was also a reason for my brother to stay near us. I knew Stefan loved him beyond borders- he would give his life for my son.

Once we entered the house I waited for Bonnie to take off her high heels and get James so she can put him to bed. Somehow when I did that I always woke him up, but when she was doing it-he wouldn't move even an inch. I handed him over slowly and leaned down to take off my own shoes, which by the way were completely new. I have also bough new trainers for Stefan and I couldn't wait to give them to him so as to see a smile on his face as well.

"_Damon"_ her concerned voice made me turn around abruptly _"Something's wrong."_ she nodded towards the fallen chair that we've put between our door and Stefan's door and where we would toss whatever we could think of-mostly our work clothes. It has fallen down.

"_**Stefan"**_ that was my only thought.


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's another chapter. I had problems sleeping these days so I guess I used that time to write. And I had a sad time writing this particular one. I hope you...enjoy it? Maybe? Idk. XD**

**There isn't any Stelena here for obvious reasons but there shall be in the next chapter.**

**Thank you for the awesome reviews once again. You really have no idea how much they mean to me. **

**Have a nice time reading and let me know how you liked this one. ((:**

**Damon's POV**

"_Stefan"_ I gasped and hurried to his room. When I opened the door I saw him fallen on the ground, his hand on his knee, breathing heavily _"Stefan."_ this time I almost yelled. He opened his eyes. I could see that it was hard for him to speak. He was in pain. I turned him around and tried to lift him up but he almost cried out from the pain.

"_Damon"_

"_Shh, it's ok."_ I caught him up in my arms and took him to the bed. He was so light that I now realized he must have lost a lot of weight this past few months. Bonnie was already behind me with a concerned look on her face _"Call the doctor."_ I spilled out _"Now, Bonnie!"_ it took her a bit to get herself together and she hurried to get to the kitchen and dial the number.

"_Damon"_ he let out again. It sounded like he wasn't just calling me but needed me to help him somehow. And I couldn't. I had no idea what to do to ease his pain so I just caught his hand cause I noticed he has closed his eyes, trying to undergo another attack of pain.

"_It's ok brother. The doctor will be here soon."_

"_It hurts me."_

"_I know. Just a little more I promise"_ I decide to lift him up a bit and I sit so that he could lean his back on me. I noticed he was sweating, his shirt was practically wet. His breathing was slow and I could hear the wheezing sound his lungs were producing. Bonnie came in a minute and brought him water but when we tried to give him some he choked and started coughing.

The doctor came half an hour after that and I was pissed off because I couldn't bear watching him like that. Stefan asked me to let go of him but I didn't. I was so afraid that I felt like if I leave his side I might lose him somehow. A few times he almost blacked out from the pain and I swear in those moments when he squeezed my hand he could've actually broken it. That's how much he was trying to undergo.

Dr. Anderson was a very good doctor and he was very nice and honest with my brother. Stefan resented all of his previous doctors in Chicago but even he admitted after we first went to him that this one was "cool". While he was examining him this time he made me hold Stefan tight because when he touched his knee my brother would try to move around and get rid of him. He was like a hurt animal and we were touching his opened wound. He made him some kind of bandage and injected him with painkillers so he can finally get some sleep. Then we left him alone but with the door open. In case he somehow woke up.

I haven't felt so helpless since we found out he was beaten up and he might not survive.

**Bonnie' s POV**

I poured Damon a glass of bourbon and after putting it in front of him squeezed his shoulder and leaned down to kiss him gently on the check. He smiled lightly but almost didn't make a move. I haven't seen him that ruined since last year when he almost lost his brother. His hand was rubbing the back of his head slowly and I knew this was a way for him to calm himself down. He still hasn't touched the bourbon.

"_What are we going to do with him, Bonnie?"_ he let a deep sigh out- What the hell are we going to do with him?

I shook my head trying to prevent my own tears from streaming down my face just as he was desperately trying to hold himself together.

"_You heard the doctor. There's nothing we can do right now. We just wait for the infection to pass."_

"_And if it doesn't?"_

"_It will. You'll see. He's not easily giving up."_

"_He wasn't easily giving up when he had something to live for."_ he cut me off without actually trying to sound mean. I honestly didn't know what to say. More like- I didn't want to admit that he might be right.

"_Go to sleep now. You have to work tomorrow."_ I urged him to go to bed. He looked awful and I couldn't bear seeing him like that.

"_I don't want to leave him. He might wake up."_

"_I'll stay awake, you go now. It's almost four in the morning and you have to be out of the house in seven."_ he tried to oppose me again but I finally made him leave the kitchen. He drank up the bourbon and headed to bed but I saw him toss and turn a lot before he finally let the tiredness overcome him.

**Stefan's POV**

I woke up feeling a sharp pain in my knee again and at first I didn't want to open my eyes. I felt someone's hand in mine and instinctively squeezed it.

"_Stefan?"_ my brother's tender and worried voice. I finally decided to face reality.

"_Hey"_ I let it out more as a sight then a word. My voice was hoarse and I tried to sit up in the bed by I just didn't have the strength to do so.

"_No, don't you dare try to stand up"_ he put me back and I hit the pillow again.

"_What happened?"_ I couldn't recall everything except him holding me while the doctor examined me. I guess the pain made me delirious.

"_When we came home last night I found you collapsed on the floor."_ he answered with anger evident in his voice _"Do you feel better?"_

"_I'm fine, brother."_ I lied but closed my eyes so he wouldn't see how much it hurt me again. He knew, he's my brother after all, and squeezed my hand.-Is it morning?

"_Dawn. I am about to leave for work, but Bonnie will be here the whole day and the doctor will come around noon to change the bandage and give you some medications. I'll try to ask for some free days till the end of the week."_

"_No, don't."_ this time I looked him in the eyes trying to convince him-You have to work now that I can't. Don't waste your free days for nothing.

"_This is not nothing. You are my brother! I'm not leaving you."_

I wasn't up to arguing with him right now so I let go of his hand and put it up my face trying to hide myself from the world.

"_What is wrong with me?"_ I let it out maybe a little afraid of the answer. _"Why does it hurt so much?"_

"_Because you have internal infection. You must've overworked yourself. Did you carry anything heavy lately?"_

"_Nope"_ I lied without facing him _"I only worked sitting." _I don't know if he bought it or not. I didn't have to guts to face him. _"You have to go to the factory, tell them I can't work this-"_

"_I'll go, relax."_ he hurried to assure me.

"_I don't want them to fire me."_

"_They are not going to fire you" _he said and paused but I felt there was more to it and I wasn't wrong _"but maybe you should quit."_

For a moment we stared at each other in silence. Suddenly some heaviness appeared in the room and I felt as if I'm about to start suffocating. He couldn't do that to me. That was betrayal and I swear he could see it in my eyes.

"_Damon,"_ I spoke as calmly as I could _"I am not going to quit"_ I tried to raise up but he stopped me again.

"_Get some rest now. And don't try to stand up, you hear me? We'll talk about this when you get better."_ he was worried I could see it, but he couldn't deprive me from something that brought me so much joy. Moreover, work was the only thing that kept me sane most of the time. If I didn't go to factory I felt like I'm not doing anything with my life. I felt like…I am not moving forward at all. He couldn't just get that away from me. If it brings me pain then I'll just have to get over myself and live with it like I did up until now. My threshold for it just has to get bigger, that's all. I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep but I couldn't. And I didn't manage to succeed in that task until the evening came by and the night surrounded every corner of the small room.

Before I finally dozed off I looked at the photo still standing on the bed cupboard.

Where was Anna now? Why wasn't she here with me? Or the better question-why wasn't I there with her, whenever she might be right now?

**Damon's POV**

In the next two days nothing changed in my brother's condition. It seemed like the medication weren't helping him at all up by now and I was starting to worry even thought the doctor warned us that it might take more time for them to show some effect.

Last night he woke up again, all delirious. I raised him up and gave him some water. His eyes were tired, sleepy, but he couldn't get even a few hours without waking up and trying to calm himself down and not wake me up. I always heard him though.

"_It's ok, brother."_ the same words every time. I don't think even I believed them when I spoke them up. _"Go back to sleep."_

"_I can't."_ he let out silently _"I have to wait for Anna. She promised she'll come" _his words stunned me and I realized that he was in this place between sleep and reality. That or the medications made him delirious.

"_Stefan, Anna won't come."_

"_No, she promised. I just have to wait for her." _his voice was so calm, so sure in what he was saying. There wasn't a shadow of a doubt that Anna isn't going to walk right through that door, kiss him and stay with him all night. I swear I was about to believe his own delusional words. Damn, I wanted to believe them so bad. But I couldn't. I knew the reality and in this world we were both currently living in Anna was buried in Chicago and a beautiful white stone marked the exact place on this earth where her body was lying peacefully, away from the cruelty and vanity of this world.

I never expected that something might hurt more than watching him in pain but that actually did completely ruin me. He has closed his eyes but he still hasn't fallen asleep. I looked up and saw Bonnie on the door. She smiled sadly and came closer to us, sitting at the edge of the bed. She caught my brother's hand and he opened his eyes.

"_She'll come, Stefan."_ she assured him trying to keep her voice strong. _"She'll come but you have to get some rest now, ok?"_

He nodded slightly and tried to smile back at her. I could feel his body giving up on trying to stay awake. He was falling back. I stood up and helped him lean back on the pillows while Bonnie tugged him with the blanket.

When we closed the door of his room I realized my hands were trembling. She embraced my face with her hands and then hugged me tight while I calmed myself down.

**Peter's POV**

When Stefan didn't show up at school on Monday I was beyond surprised and maybe even a little worried. I waited him to appear after the second or the third class but he didn't. I tried calling him but no one answered so I couldn't help myself and decided to go to his house.

His sister-in- law-Bonnie opened the door for me and explained that he was sick. His knee was causing him troubles and he wasn't really up to seeing anyone right now because the doctor ordered to rest. She promised that if the next few days he feels better I can come but in that moment she send me away. I felt disappointed and helpless. Up until now he was always the one to help me and when he was in need and now I couldn't do anything. I cursed myself for not insisting on seeing him but maybe he really need some time to get better, without anyone interrupting him. And as far as I knew Stefan-he wouldn't want me to see him like that.

Those two days while he was gone I didn't drink a single sip of alcohol. I felt like I'll be betraying him if I do. And plus if I get wasted there will be no one to take me home. A few times I was on the verge of letting it all go and just get drunk so I can forget that my only friend was probably in severe pain and I couldn't even be there to cheer him up like when he did in our last phone conversation after the fight with my father.

Eventually on Wednesday when I went asking for ten-fifteen minutes for the billionth time Bonnie me in. I honestly didn't think he would look so bad. His face was very pale and he seemed to be in pain but he smiled at me and I did the same. We started talking a bit and I tried to cheer him up and make the whole situation as normal as I could. After a little while his sister-in-law appeared with a baby in her hands, that must have been his nephew and said she have to go out for a little bit that he's brother will be here soon and made me keep an eye on Stefan until she returns. Once she closed the door however Stefan tried to sit up.

"_Come on."_ he said

"_What?"_ I asked surprised

"_You have to help me get up. I am dying for a cigarette."_

"_No, Stefan. You heard what she said. You shouldn't even move your ass."_

"_I don't give a fuck what anyone says-I need to smoke or I will kill myself. Come on-help me"_ he was already almost out of the bed and I caught him before he could fall down. He was dressed in shorn old jeans and I could see a big bandage on his knee. His white t-shirt was old and shabby and he wasn't wearing any socks.

"_Stefan, not to kill your buzz or anything but it's cold outside."_ I said with my hand on his shoulder trying to keep him standing.

"_First, hand me the crutches"_ he asked and I slowly stretched my hand to the end of the bed where they were leaned on _"then that sweater over there "_I let him go once I was sure he can support himself and tossed the cloth over his shoulders.

"_Cigarettes?"_

"_Are you kidding. Of course I have. Why is this even a question?"_ I responded, pretending to be insulted by him even asking such a stupid thing.

We went on the front porch and once we settled down and lit up I could say he was looking a bit better.

"_Thanks."_ he let out and I nodded understandingly.

"_Your sister-in-law is gonna kill me."_ I tried to sound cheerful but the truth was that Bonnie really seemed a bit terrifying to me and she could definitely scold me for getting him out here.

"_Don't worry, I'll tell them you tried to stop me"_ Stefan replied with his calmest voice. Like he doesn't care about that at all.

"_So…"_ I didn't want to start the subject but I needed to know _"What did the doctor say?"_

"_He said I have to make a trip to Atlanta."_

"_I'm trying to be serious here, Stefan"_ now wasn't the time for puns and he knew it.

"_I am not joking, Peter"_ he spoke the words with some kind of sad honesty _"He says that if I overcome this infection I should go there."_

"_Why so? Another doctor?"_ I was a bit confused

"_Yeah, a better one. At least that's what this one claims."_

"_And what's the different about him?"_

"_Nothing."_ Stefan shrugged, clearly bored by the subject _"I'm guessing he'll have the guts to cut me open unlike this one."_

"_Surgery?"_ I definitely wasn't expecting that _"Really?"_

"_I'm not doing it, Peter. I'm just replying to your question."_

"_Does your brother know about this?"_

"_Not, yet. I asked the doctor not to tell."_

We stood in silence there for a minute, smoking. I was wondering what do to here. I know he needed me to back him up but I had to do something to help him.

"_Maybe you should go."_ I started

"_Please, Peter. My brother is enough of pain in the ass."_

"_I am serious. Let's make a deal"_ I proposed. Suddenly I had this idea in my head. It was hard to convince Stefan to do something but if you bet him or make him keep his word he would do it just because his pride meant a lot to him _"I'll try out for the team and if they accept me you'll let me take you to Atlanta."_

"_Peter."_ he started shaking his head and a light smile appeared on his face like he was trying to tell me " Yeah, nice try, but that's not happening."

"_We won't tell your brother."_ he was still obviously against it so I continued persuading him _"Come on. You don't want me to play for the high school team?"_

"_Peter, I don't want to go to Atlanta."_ he was being stubborn like a little kid

"_Come on, you're not a coward, Stefan. Maybe I don't know you that much but I'm sure about that one."_

"_Dude, you don't get it"_ he was staring somewhere in front him. I could see his mind was somewhere else.

"_Then tell me?"_ I was desperately trying to understand him. I knew he hasn't told me everything that he has been through in his life but I wasn't going to give up and let him stay like this.

"_I've been cut around four times already and I don't plan on letting them treat me like a piece of meat anymore"_ his voice wasn't angry. He was just explaining me. _"There is no point in that, pal. "_

"_There is."_ I raised my voice a bit, trying to prove him my point _"That little kid I saw in there. What about him? He would want you to walk him, to carry him, to take him down to the park. He might even want you to be his best man at his wedding. And you wouldn't be able to do it because you're stubbornness prevents you. "_

"_Well the same goes for you, Peter."_ he finally looked me in the eye, his voice completely honest _"You could play on a higher level, you have talent, but instead you choose to ignore all that and waste what you have inside you."_

"_Ok, you are right."_ I agreed after a few minutes of silence has passed and he has leaned back on the old chair. Judging by the look on his face my statement surprised him _"That's why I think it's time for a change. I go to the try outs, get in the team and then take you to Atlanta. I've been there-you'll like it."_ I could see that he was struggling with himself. He knew I was right about the kid. I managed to find his weakness and I use it against him.

"_Good."_ he finally let out. _"But you need to do something else for me. Actually a few somethings."_

"_Shoot."_ I was relieved. Now I just had to train a little harder and it would all be good.

"_First, you leave me this pack cause it seems like my brother has took my cigarettes away."_ I almost laughed out. He said it with such sadness as if someone has taken an ice cream away from a kid. I contained myself and nodded just to give him the reassurance he needed _"And second you need to lie to Elena Gilbert."_

"_Elena Gilbert?"_ ok that was definitely new _"Why on earth will I go talk to her?"_

"_You won't. But I'm guessing she might ask you where I am."_ it took me a few minutes to realize what he was talking about

"_Really? You hooked up with her?"_ I couldn't believe it.

"_I didn't hook up with her"_ he said a bit disappointed that I could even think that-She needed help. I just..tried to do something for her.

"_Like what?"_ I admit I was curious

"_It doesn't matter. The point is that she might ask you and you need to lie. I can't have her coming down here and seeing me like this"_

"_Well what am I supposed to tell her, Stefan? That you're lying on a beach somewhere completely satisfied by life?" _I was getting a bit angry with him by that time.

"_No, you tell her that the factory send me to work in Charlotte this week and that's why I'm not in school."_

"_Yeah and she'll believe me."_ he seemed to have thought about that but I still didn't think she'll buy this story

"_No, you'll make her believe you."_

"_Why so? Why are you so desperate to hide this from her. Why are you even helping her in the first place?"_

He just shook his head and I understood he won't tell me.

"_Just do it. Please."_ he finally let out but I didn't respond. He knew I would of course. But I was conflicted. I couldn't understand what was going on here. Was he falling for her or something? Well I was definitely against it. Elena Gilbert was a bitch. A heartless one even and she would break his heart without even blinking her eye. She didn't deserve his help because for starters he was far better person than she ever will be. But I didn't want to express my opinion on the subject right now because he was bad enough.

After a few minutes I offered him to go back inside before his brother has come home and surprisingly he didn't argue with me, or maybe he just didn't have the strength to do so. I put him down on his bed and returned the crutches as they were before-leaned on the side of the bed. He thanked me and after a while dozed off. I never assumed that such a short walk can actually tire him but I guess I underestimated everything that was going down with Stefan.

He has told me that last year he was beaten up almost do death but he never revealed the true circumstances. He shared that he had to stay in the hospital for over a month and that cost all of his brother's saving just when the baby was on the way. He felt guilty, I knew it because he had admitted that too. He was trying so hard to compensate for everything he has done and at the same time he wouldn't be able to do it fully because he wasn't the same boy he used to be before it all went down.

I noticed the picture on his bedside cupboard and figured that must be the girl he said he used to love so much, but who passed away. He seemed so happy there and I caught myself comparing the guy on that photo with the slim, pale boy, lying helplessly on his bed, with his sad green eyes closed and his messy blond hair sticking up in different directions.

Are we both so fucked up that we can't find sense it life anymore?

Are we?

Stefan turned out to be right. Elena did came to me on the next day when I was smoking in the backyard after everyone else were already in their classes. Obviously she was skipping something too. I tried to act as surprised as I could and she seemed to be really embarrassed and even…shy? Which was a completely new side of her that I was seeing for the first time. But it looked like a lot of things in her life were changing lately. She didn't walk on the corridors with the confidence she had only weeks ago and she was definitely starting to lose her popularity. The only person who still hasn't abandoned her was Caroline but that was because I knew what kind of wonderful friend and person she could be.

I lied to her and I admit that I did a pretty good job. Stefan would've been proud of me. She seemed convinced and left almost immediately after we talked. The most interesting thing was that she didn't even had an excuse to ask me for him. She just came and wanted to know where he is. I didn't ask why and she didn't explain the reason she needed him.

Once she disappeared from my sight I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to neglect the sad feeling that consumed me within minutes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Soo, this is kind of a long chapter but I hope you don't mind. I just didn't want to tear the certain moments apart and plus I'm not really sure when will I be able to update next.**

**I'm really grateful for all your awesome reviews and I thank you very very much for the nice words. They really do make me blush. I hope you continue enjoying the story. To answer some of your questions- I'll probably reveal relatively soon what has happened to Anna but first I need to write out a few other stuff. I'm glad that some of you start liking Elena. She really is mainly hurting herself and Stefan is only trying to help her.**

**I hope you enjoy this one. There are a few..surprise moments in here. In my defense I want to say that Damon and Stefan and even Elena do and say certain stuff in this chapter because they consider them to be completely right and they each have their reasons.**

**Enjoy and please tell me what you think of this one.**

**Stefan's POV**

When I was about to become seventeen I had this desire to understand what life really is. By that time I was very much in love with Anna and the only definition of life for me was unconditional love. I thought that this powerful feeling is the only thing that keeps us alive. I used to write a lot back then, just my thoughts on whatever was surrounding me, and of course I kept a diary which was nothing but a black old notebook filled with scratched sentences written under the influence of a few beers.

Later on I realized that was one giant bullshit and I burned all the black notebooks I've been hiding in a box in the attic.

Before I used to think love is life. Now I think sadness is life. Tomorrow I might as well think that basketball is life. I'm pretty convinced that Peter believes life is nothing but a big bottle of his favorite scotch.

Once James was born I was able for the first time to actually _feel _ the life. His little heart pumping blood ,pressed next to mine somehow awoke me and I started getting out of this hole I was in after I have faced death twice in a few months.

Maybe life can not be understood. Maybe it's just pieces of different feelings we carry around with ourselves in different moments of our growing up. Sometimes I feel like it's a combination of decisions we make. Other times I believe it's a mix of of the happiest days in our lives. Now I think it just a path I have to walk with the weight I carry on inside me. The longer I walk the harder it shall become and that didn't really seem very optimistic.

I was sure in one thing- there is no _"they lived happily ever after"_ and knowing this makes a person smart.

That were my thoughts on a beautiful Wednesday morning while waiting for Peter to come take me so we can go to school. I decided to sat on the front stairs since my knee still hurt me quite much even though I was putting up a strong façade for my brother and Bonnie. Damon was beyond pissed with me because when I started feeling a bit better we had a big fight and I told him that I am not quitting work. I tried explaining him that it was the only thing that kept me sane but he was relentless, blinded from the feeling inside him to protect me no matter what. As I was eighteen already he didn't have a say about whether or not I was going to quit and he knew it. That's why he was so mad in the first place. He knew my stubbornness and how much it drove me to an edge. Bonnie tried to stop us from yelling but she gave up once James started crying scared from us being so mean towards each other. It was almost three days since we haven't said a word to each other. I was very silent myself, with too much thoughts going on my mind and I was feeling guilty that we fought in the first place. I was trying to lose my time outside and got home always very late. After work Peter would take me and we would drive to the court. I was helping him train hard for the try outs which were today actually. And was keeping him away from any kind of alcohol.

Because I wanted to be with him on the big day I changed my shifts with another boy and made my whole weekend busy with work. Which was for the best now that the situation at home was so uptight. Peter seemed kind of worried to me this morning so I tried very hard to cheer him up. I almost succeed in that task until our history class came and Mr. Salzman returned us the tests from last week. We both had Fs so we were asked to stay after the class was over.

"_So, Mr. Salvatore and Mr. Fell"_ he started trying to sound optimistic when Peter and I both knew how tragic the situation was. _"You know you're failing my class. I heard that I'm not an exception though."_ Peter and I exchanged light smiles. _"Stefan your test was actually good except for the fact that you wrote about the Second World war and not the first. Your essay is really decent but it's just not on the subject. And you Mr. Fell..well you left me nothing but blanks almost everywhere which I consider as utter capitulation. You haven't given in any assignments but because I do feel a little gracious lately I'll give you until Friday to turn in everything or you might as well stop even coming to my class, yeah?"_

We nodded at the same time and that made him shook his head seriously. He thought we wasn't taking his warning under any serious consideration.

"_Boys, I'm not joking. If you don't do what I just ask you it's done and you might as well just repeat the whole year."_

"_We'll do it, Mr. Salzman. "_ I was the only one to speak. I knew Peter doesn't give a damn about this but I had to make him because I don't think I could survive the school year without us smoking in the breaks together. Mr. Salzman gave us one last serious look and let us go.

"_Well that was kind of extreme"_ said Peter once we got outside

"_We'll have to do this, Peter."_ I said trying to sound as serious as I could

"_I know. But you got to help"_ I was surprised by the fact that he agreed so fast with me but try not to show it. _"I'm really bad at history."_

"_Hey, I'm failing too"_ not that I didn't want to help him. I was just afraid that after all I am not that good and I might somehow misguide him which will only bring him trouble.

"_Because your mind is somewhere else, not because you don't know what you should answer."_ he was teasing me again, trying to hint that Elena was the reason for my carelessness.

Before we headed to the gym I made him stop and smoke a cigarette to calm himself down. He was stubborn again, claiming that he felt completely fine and he'll be glad if they don't accept him because then he'll have to go and train every day. I knew that he wanted in though, that's why I was helping him and trying to convince him it's worth it in the first place.

"_Yes, Peter. That's why it's called a team."_ I scolded him and he laughed out at my face, but I didn't return it because I had something else in mind. I took my bag off and leaned down to search for something in it.

"_What's that all about?"_ he asked once I finally stood up and handed him my old team jersey. I have removed my name from the back and the only thing left was the number and the abbreviation of the school on the right side.

"_That's my old jersey. I can't wear it anymore so I thought someone else at least put her in use. Plus it kinda brought me luck so..I guess you can check if that still counts."_

He looked me in the eyes before actually taking it. I could see that it meant a lot to him because his facial expression suddenly became serious and somehow more determined.

"_Thank you, Stefan. Really."_

"_It's ok. Let's go so you wouldn't be late."_ we headed inside and I find myself a place in one of the benches in the hallway. He left his things, took my jersey and put it onto his simple white t-shirt. I gave him last instructions and after a few minutes the coach called them in. I saw him walk towards the gym door, almost alone and behind all the other boys, with my number seven on his back.

I leaned on the side of the bench as I was still very tired but I knew I'll have to open the damn history book and start writing this assignment. I bet they would be in there for the next two hours so I took out my notebook and started thinking how to begin it.

My thoughts led me in a different way that I first intended and after 45 minutes of writing I needed a break. Lately everything's been just too much. I didn't want to be in a such a nasty fight with my brother, because even if I didn't want to admit it I needed him. I hated it when he was so angry with me. It felt like betrayal. I was the reason things were like that, so I really couldn't blame him. My stubbornness and pride prevented me from thinking clearly sometimes and I hated myself for that. Bonnie was always good to me though, she was asking me how the day went and she left me with James last night because she had to go to Emma's again.

I smiled when I thought of her because there was after all something good coming out after those awful weeks. When I went to threw the garbage last night the bag tore apart and I saw an empty pregnancy test box. Then it all came quite clear to me- her emotions have been all over the place especially last week and the other morning she wouldn't leave the bathroom. I was almost sure that she was pregnant but I guess she still hasn't told my brother and I was a little confused to confront her since I had too much going on in my head anyway. But I was happy about them. There was this part of me deep inside that was just genuinely over the rainbow even only from the thoughts that I could be right. Another little James running up the house would bring us even more joy. And I would be willing to work my ass off and support them even if they decide to have a dozen kids. I would love them all equally and I would give them my unconditional love.

Bonnie trusted me and she wasn't angry because she understood how hard it was for me to let go of the only few things I was actually still capable of doing. And relatively good at for that matter. I knew the quarrel between Damon and me could go for a long time but I wanted to resolve it because I had one more thing on my mind right now and was trying to find a way to how exactly to come down with it. Anna's birthday was in three weeks and I desperately wanted to go to Chicago for a few days. I haven't been there since we left and I knew how painful it was for her mother to go to the graveyard. I didn't want to imagine the abandoned gravestone and the lack of flowers on it. I knew Damon would be strongly against it because I would have to miss some school days and he was afraid I might get myself into another trouble somehow. But I was determined to go, no matter what it takes. Even if it means not talking to him for an year. She was the love of my life and I owned it to her to be there.

I was so deep in thoughts that I practically didn't see when the boys started coming out of the gym. I stood up slowly and impatiently started looking out for Peter. He was nowhere to be found anyway and I started getting worried until I finally noticed him pushing the heavy door with his shoulder and letting it close slowly behind him. First he didn't approach me but stood there looking in the nothingness, waiting for the hallway to get empty and the voices to disappear. I thought something has gone wrong so I started limping towards him with a questioning look on my face. He then shrugged his shoulders with a light smile on his face.

"_I'm in"_ he finally let out and I sighed relived _"I am fucking in, Stefan."_

"_What! You bastard. How dare you torture me like that!"_ I yelled too, feeling betrayed but beyond happy. He threw his hand over my shoulder

"_Thanks buddy! I wouldn't have done it without you."_ I nodded and handed him over his bag. _"Now let's drink!"_

"_I thought you might say that"_ I grinned and opened my bag only to show him that I have already bought his favorite scotch. He smiled obviously surprised that this time not only wasn't I preventing him from drinking but I was also encouraging it.

We took off school, caught the bus and went to his house. His father was still at work I think so we went outside to his own court and opened the bottle. The sun was setting up and we didn't really need to talk about anything. For the first time since we knew each other there was something we were grateful for and definitely something we achieved with a lot of hard work. He had already told me how it all went down on our way to the house and now the silence and our thoughts consumed us. The only thing someone could actually hear was us passing the bottle and the flare up of the lighter.

"_I hope there is a point in this" _he said with a serious expression. I knew the feeling. In the beginning after you achieve something you are genuinely happy even though you might not have been sure you really want it. The world is at your feet in this moment, but later on, when it all actually sinks in you starts asking yourself-ok now what? _What am I going to do? How am I going to do this?_ You start being a little afraid. And I knew Peter-he had guts for stuff like this, mainly because he was above the madding crowd, the scouts, the coach, the teammates. I'm not sure he was really being afraid right now, maybe he was just rethinking, trying to see from behind whether or not this was a good decision. But I knew-he couldn't know now. He'll have to wait and see even though he was never the patient one.

"_There must be"_ I finally said after a I realized I still hasn't responded him being too much in my thoughts again.

"_You know we're making a trip to Atlanta now that I got in the team?"_

I shook my head and noticed that he's furrowing his eyebrows before I've even spoken.

"_I don't have enough money for this, Peter. My health insurance doesn't cover trips around the states and examinations by good doctors."_

"_I knew you would try to bail out that's why I already made you an appointment for next weekend."_ he announced with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"_You did what?"_ suddenly I couldn't feel the effect of the alcohol on my body anymore. He continued smiling, more to himself now. _"Why did you do that? What am I gonna tell my brother?"_

"_We'll figure it out. You still have time."_ I sighed. That wasn't how I planned it. All I wanted was to shut his mouth that day he has come to see me. I wasn't planning on going to Atlanta at all and I was more than convinced that I'll make Peter change his mind. I guess I really underestimated him this time. He saw I was confused but gave me time to accept it. _"You promised me, Stefan. Remember?"_

"_I do."_ I said maybe a bit abruptly and immediately regretted it.

"_Don't be too pouty. I've got us ticket's to the Atlanta Hawks games in the evening."_

"_What? Peter are you out of your mind! You know I hate it when you- "_

"_Pay for something? Relax, they were for my father but he said I can use them if I want to."_

"_He's ok with you going by yourself to Atlanta?"_ I asked amused. I was starting to seriously question this man's parent's abilities.

"_He doesn't really care"_ Peter shrugged as if he was ok with it but I knew he was just pretending _"Plus I won't be alone. You're coming."_

"_I'll pay you back when I can about that."_

"_Stefan"_ he tried to complain.

"_Don't argue about that."_ I interrupted him before he could say anything else. He knew how much it meant to me not to owe anything to anyone.

He nodded and we continued drinking. We ended up getting pretty wasted and I didn't realize when I have fallen asleep, but we woke up next morning with enormous headache. By some kind of miracle we had half an hour to get to school and even though he didn't want to move his ass I made him get up. On the way there I saw I had around 15 missed calls from Bonnie. I called her only to hear her very worried voice.

"_Finally ,Stefan. Where the hell have you been?"_ I could hear the relief in her voice and suddenly felt guilty for putting her through this- You brother is beyond mad.

"_I'm sorry, Bonnie. I was at Peter's place and fell asleep. We're in school now."_

"_Well, when you come back he'll want to talk just so you know. Don't go anywhere."_

"_I won't."_ I sighed _"I'll be there after work."_

"_Good. You sure you're fine?"_

"_I am, promise."_ she was even concerned. Damn, why was I such a horrible person? _"I'll see you later."_

The first couple of classes were awful and we slept through them as far as that was possible in the first place. I couple of times I caught Elena looking at me and smiling-she seemed to be in a better mood but after lunch break I lost sight of her even though I wanted to talk and maybe ask her how is everything going on and if she maybe feels a bit better but that didn't happen and I told myself that it was for the best. I wasn't planning on misleading her in any way.

I made Peter skip the last two classes so we can go into the library and write the damn history assignments. He almost few asleep a few times but I pushed him to keep writing until I had to leave for work. He was pouty I was leaving him alone but I really didn't have a choice especially when I had in mind what was going to happen when I got home.

For the first time in months I was happy that Daniel gave me too much work. I had to stay an hour more just to finish the new order for the Lockwood mansion. I swear those people simply loved spending their money on renewing any little detail in their house. But I shouldn't be complaining because after all that brings me money.

When I finally took the last bus and headed home I was trying really hard to suppress the guilty feeling inside me. I wasn't up to fighting with my brother and I had no intentions of opposing him or shouting like last time. I would just have to undergo it and apologize.

The house was pretty silent once I got inside. I guess that Bonnie and James has went to bed earlier tonight. I finally faced my brother once I entered the kitchen. He was drinking his evening glass of bourbon and seemed pretty tired to me.

"_It's good you decided to come home, brother."_ he sounded bitter.

"_Damon..I'm sorry."_

"_Sit down"_ he said and nodded to the chair across his seat. _"Look. I don't want to fight with you.-he started sounding completely honest."_

"_I don't want that either."_

"_I understand that you need to continue working. Or at least I am trying to understand it. But you can't go out and not come home in days because you're scaring me out of my mind."_

"_Damon, I didn't mean to"_ I tried explaining myself once again

"_Wait. Let me finish"_ he interrupted me and waited until he was sure I wasn't going to protest _"Just because we fought doesn't mean that I don't care about you anymore. You can't just decide that and do whatever on earth you want and disappear. I might be angry but I still get concerned when I come home and my wife tells me that she hasn't seen you since yesterday. "_

"_I know."_ he nodded considering this subject to be over with. But I felt there was something more.

"_They called me from you school today, said you were skipping classes."_

"_I can"_

"_No…"_ he sighed again _"Look I know I told you I wouldn't leave you be when it comes to school but if you're so determined in destroying yourself I can't really do anything about it. I mean I tried to do something but I obviously failed. So..you are free to do whatever you want with your education. I'm not going to stop you. If you feel like finishing the year-good, if not then ..that's how you considered it was best. You're about to become nineteen soon and I don't have a say in those things. You take enough responsibilities already to be able to make those decisions yourself and it looks like you're not even taking my advices under consideration. So"_ he stood up, clearly done with everything he was going to say _"I'm going to bed now cause I'm tired. Bonnie 's left something for you in the fridge if you're hungry."_

He left me alone in the kitchen and I tried very hard to get myself together after this conversation. I expected him to yell at me, to be angry, but he was completely done, tired of all my bullshits. And he had every right to. I was making everything so hard for him ever since Anna died. I was a constant pain in the ass.

Moving here was a big mistake. I shouldn't have come with them. And now-if there's another kid on the way it will make it even harder for them. I was certain that I need to get away from here. Wherever I went I only brought pain with myself, I ruined stuff. I deserved to be alone. I deserved everything that has happened to me and that was the only truth.

I was going to finish the school year and go back to Chicago. By the time I would leave the baby must be about to be born and they shall have enough space to live here. I would send Bonnie the money every month and leave just enough as to live relatively good.

Yeah..that was the best decision. I had to set my brother free, because I loved him too much to make him go through my messed up life by my side. He had a family of his own now and he needed to focus on that. I couldn't keep doing that to him.

**Elena's POV**

This was the second time I came to the Salvatore house and honestly I was starting to feel a little concerned and shy to as what this might look like to Stefan's relatives but I really needed to talk to someone right now. I brushed the tears away and tried to compose myself before knocking on the door.

While waiting for someone to open the only picture in my eyes was still that one of Tyler and the way he touched and kissed that girl on this park bench. The reason it hurt so much was probably because I envied her- he never treated me with so much passion as he did with her. Yeah of course-sex was good and he was a tremendous kisser but beyond that..nothing more. The way he looked into her eyes and touched her hair showed me that he had feelings for her. And that was probably going on for a while. The truth is we never broke up even though things weren't going good. I wasn't sure I wanted them to continue but I felt a glimpse of hope when the other day he told me he wants us to try once more. Was he just enjoying playing around with two girls at the same time?

"_Hey"_ the door finally opened and I saw Stefan holding a sweet baby boy in his hands. He immediately furrowed his eyebrows. I loved how he understood something was wrong by just looking at me.

"_Hey, Stefan."_ for a minute we stood there a little confused, just staring at each other until I replayed that scene in my mind for the millionth time and I felt another tear streaming down my face which I hurried to brush away.

"_Would you like to come in?"_ he tried to smile and make me feel _better "I can't really leave right now because I have to take care of him."_ he added while he was moving away so I can enter the small house.

The baby was looking at me with curious but somehow scared glance and he hugged himself in Stefan even tighter.

"_I'm sorry that I'm bothering you."_

"_You are not. Come on"_ he took me to what seemed like a kitchen and put the kid in his bed with a few toys to distract him while we talk. He offered me coffee and I accepted because I was feeling really tired and my head was pumping.

He seemed to have a lot on his mind too and I felt a bit guilty that I came here but I had no intentions of going back.

"_What is wrong?"_ he asked once we settled down and I embraced the cup of coffee with my hands. Staring at it because I didn't want to look him in the eyes.

"_I saw Tyler…with another girl and then…I-I interrupted them and we started yelling at each other. And um..he"_ I spoke so fast he didn't have the time to interrupt me and ask his questions.

" _Wait, what? You saw them together?"_ he finally managed to ask surprised and I realized he was trying to sink the whole information in

"_Yeah..yeah in the park near the church. They were kissing and I-I was so angry that I almost slapped him but he caught my hand and pushed me away."_

"_He hurt you?"_ now he seemed angry _"What did he do to you?"_

"_Nothing. I just..left after that. I couldn't bear watching them together."_

"_Damn, that idiot."_ he cursed clearly very frustrated with it. I started regretting telling him. I didn't knew he would get so angry about that. For a moment he stood up and walked up around the room like he was searching for something but I knew he wasn't looking for anything in particular. Then he was like hit with a thought cause his eyes grew bigger and somehow sad and he turned to me _"I am so sorry, Elena."_

"_It's fine. I just..needed to tell someone and I knew that if I go to Caroline she would get so mad she might as well slap him with her new handbag"_ we both chuckled at the thought of skinny angry Caroline running after Tyler. _"Anyway..I don't really want to talk about it."_

"_When you say that it means just that it hurts too much to discuss it"_ he said now seriously like it was in our previous conversations. He sat back on the chair and look at me with just so much understanding that I was starting to wonder if he's real? I've never met a boy like that before. _"Did you love him?"_ I could see he was a little confused asking me that but I guess he just decided to go for it.

"_I don't know..In the beginning it was sweet and powerful but then.."_ I just shrugged my shoulders trying to show him that I'm not exactly sure what the hell happened in the first place _"The most surprising thing is that I knew something was going on and Caroline was giving me these hints that he might be cheating but when I actually saw it, it hit me so much more than I've expected."_

He seemed to be disgusted by what I was explaining to him.

"_That prick."_ he said it like he was spitting at Tyler._"He never deserved a girl like you."_

"_Thank you."_ I nodded feeling a bit better. The kid must have got bored playing by himself so I saw him stretching his hands towards Stefan and blabbing in some sweet baby language that he obviously craved for attention. Stefan slowly went to take him and the baby smiled satisfied.

"_Who is that sweetheart?"_

"_That's my nephew James. He's my brother's son."_ the boy glanced at me again clearly still confused as he has never seen e before. _"Come on, James. Say hey to Elena."_ the baby looked up at Stefan, clearly trying to understand what was wanted from him and then hugged himself back in Stefan's chest. _"I'm sorry he is a bit shy."_

"_That's fine."_ I smiled and took another sip of my coffee. I made a funny face and the kid started smiling but he still didn't want to turn fully around, clearly being very comfortable in his uncle's embrace. _"So you live with your brother?"_ I realized I don't know anything about him. What was his life like? The house was clearly small and they obviously didn't have enough money if he had to work. The furniture seemed old, the clothes tossed on the chair near him were shabby and faded, the TV behind him was from the old ones with a very small screen and probably half-working remote. The only thing that seemed new were the toys the boy had in his bed and the clothes he was dressed with. I figured they must probably give all their money to make sure the baby had everything he needed.

"_Yeah, him and his wife. They went out to deal with some stuff."_

"_What about your parents? Are they still in Chicago?"_

"_No, they..they passed away. First my father when I was 12 and then my mother two years ago."_

What he said changed the atmosphere of the room completely. It altered my opinion towards him within minutes and I asked myself what was I doing here? I've come to him with as if I've thought that I'm the only person in the world who's lost her parents and now..he was an orphan too. Why did he never say anything? Why did he never told me that he knows exactly how I feel? Was he really that selfless? Did he not want me to feel pity for him?

"_I am sorry. "_ I tried to sound as sincere as I could _"You..you never mentioned it before."_

"_Yeah..well. It's not really a nice subject to discuss as you know."_ he smiled as if he was trying to lift up the seriousness in the air around us. I decided to change the subject. It was clear to me that he didn't want to discuss his parents anymore. The look on his face told me enough-it was a painful thing to talk about and he clearly wasn't over this tragedy just like I wasn't over mine. I'm not sure a person can ever overcome something like this in his life. Like he said once- I'll carry this weight until the day I die.

"_Aren't you working today?"_ I wasn't trying to be polite and make small talk I really wanted to know how his day passed.

"_I am but I was something like a night/morning shift. From five am till two pm and now I'm done."_ his voice was a bit cheerful now. I guess he liked working even though it made him tired. He seemed paler to me than before. I guess those past few weeks were more exhausting _"Did you catch up with homework like Caroline planned?"_

"_I actually have to go to her house in half an hour and continue what we started yesterday. She's being a pain in the ass."_ I complained. It was true though. My best friend was giving me a hard time. She was desperately trying to help me pass the term with relatively good grades.

"_I'm sure she only wants to help you."_

"_Yeah…yeah she does."_ I smiled at the thought of Caroline running up and down my room yesterday with colorful notes and text markers in her hand, questioning me about the civil war _"Peter told me you were out of town last week?"_

"_Yeah.."_ he seemed uncomfortable with the subject "They send us to deal with some big order there. I had to skip school.-for a few minutes we stood in silence until asked with a somehow curious voice _"How's your aunt doing?"_

"_Oh..well she's fine. We haven't talk that much lately but at least we don't yell at each other anymore."_ I looked away feeling a little confused to discuss this with him even though a few weeks back I wouldn't even care about it. I mean he heard our quarrels after all, he knew how ugly it was. I wanted to change I was back then and somehow erase everything bad he has heard me say. I didn't want him to think that I am a bad person. _"It's working you know?"_

"_What's that?"_ he asked a little confused himself.

"_Your advice. I started writing."_

"_Oh yeah? How do you like it?"_ a smile appeared on his face and he didn't seem so uptight like a minute before.

"_Well…let's say that it has a positive effect on me for now. I like writing."_

"_Good. I am glad."_

"_No, I am glad. You were right. I had to let it all out somewhere, but all I've ever done was yell at people. "_

"_Well that's also a way of letting it out. Just a more…aggressive one."_ we both chuckled and he let a deep sigh out. I caught him staring at something behind him and slowly rubbing the kid's back. The baby seemed more sleepy to me now. _"Life is just so complicated sometimes that..it makes you wonder how much more you can actually withstand going into certain direction. It's confusing."_

I realized I was staring at him and trying to figure out exactly how complicated and hurt his soul was.

"_I think that beyond everything life is unexpected and that can be both bad and good. It challenges us and destroys us at the same time."_

"_True."_ he smiled still gently stroking the boy. He was mumbling something inaudible like he was trying to include himself in our conversation and we, being completely impolite and consumed by our big adult world, weren't paying him enough attention

"_Do you ever think what would they say if they could see us right now?"_ the words escaped my lips without me really wanting to say them out loud.

"_Yes..and it scares me to death honestly."_

"_Me too. Especially when I have in mind how awful I've been to everyone else in the family after they died."_

"_I wouldn't worry about that, Elena. You are a teenager. You have the right to be angry, to slam doors and yell at those responsible for you. Moreover you just lost the two most important people in your world-you have every right to turn the house upside down if you want to. Not that I'm giving you any suggestions"_ he smiled. Genuinely. I liked seeing him like that. He seemed so sad all the time.

We talked a little more and I left because I was about to be late for meeting Care. He send me to the door and I thanked him for listening to me.

I started the engine feeling a little better. Tyler Lockwood was indeed a prick, but did he deserve my tears?

**Stefan's POV**

After I closed the door I leaned back on the door and clenched my fists feeling so damn angry. I tried to hide the fact that I wanted desperately to punch Tyler Lockwood in the face and never let him stand up again in front of Elena but I had to do something about it. No boy can treat a girl like that. It's just not right.

I decided to call Peter. I knew he wanted to kick Tyler's ass for a while now and the only thing that was stopping him was my stubbornness that we shall be better than those pricks.

"_Peter, hey."_

"_What's up, Stefan. I was about to call you. We just finished practice."_

"_How was it?"_

"_I'll tell you all about it later because I don't want to curse in front of the team. They might actually start hating me more than they do now."_

I laughed but he felt there was something else so he asked me before I could have the opportunity to surprise him.

"_What's going on?"_

"_I need you to help me kick Tyler Lockwood's ass."_

For a minute he didn't say a thing and I wondered if he'll even be on board with me or not.

"_Peter?"_

"_You have no idea how long I've waited for you to say those words, Stefan. When do you want do it?"_ that was Peter. He wouldn't even ask me why. He would just take his ass to my front door and we'll help me kill a man if he has to. What a dude he was.

"_No, I don't want to really beat him up. I want to embarrass him in front of everyone."_

"_Ugh…can't I at least punch him?"_ he sounded so desperate. Like a kid waiting for an ice cream.

I laughed out loud

"_You can, Peter. You can."_ I hurried to assure him because he started snorting like a sad horse on the line and it made me laugh even more.

"_Ok, so tell me your idea."_

Oh, I had an awesome idea.

**Elena's POV**

The next day after our second class has passed something interesting happened. I felt it once I got out of Biology and joined the big mass of people heading to the main hallway. There was a big group of jocks and some of the cheerleaders gathered in front of the man's bathroom. I wondered what was going on until I saw Caroline running towards me with a practically gleaming expression on her face.

"_What's going on here, Care? What's this all about?"_ I couldn't care less about gossips now but this seemed to be something bigger than the usual who-dumped-who sayings.

"_You wouldn't believe what happened!"_ I haven't seen her that excited since the last founding families ball _"Someone tied up Tyler Lockwood in the bathrooms!"_ she almost yelled from delight _"I swear, Elena if I found those people I will make their life amazing! "_

"_What? He was ..what? Tyler?"_ I couldn't believe my ears. That was definitely unusual. Tyler always had a bunch of his gorilla guys from the football team following him around everywhere and he wasn't really easy to put down. _"How did it happen?"_

"_I don't exactly know. They said some girl wrote him a note that she wants to taste his lips and to meet him in the boy's room so he went. But of course it wasn't a girl. Someone jumped him from behind and put a piece of cloth on his eyes. Then they tied him up to one of the pipes and cut his football jacket apart. After that they put his t-shirt and jeans down and wrote __**"I am a boy toy jock prick"**__ on his chest. It's amazing. Clair Williams just send me a photo-wait"_ she clicked a few times on her phone and then handed it to me. I couldn't believe my eyes. Tyler looked ridiculous in his underwear and even though I've seen him I never realized it up until now. I laughed out loud and couldn't stop myself until I saw the principle walking down the hallways with a very angry and ashamed Tyler. It seemed that he was released and now would try to determine who did this since I guess he never really saw their faces. And yes I definitely thought it was more than one person. Tyler was strong he couldn't be put down just by one man.

Caroline and me kept on talking about it while walking on our way to history class. As we were about to turn around I noticed Stefan and Peter leaning back on their lockers, discussing something very lively and being very happy about it.

And then it hit me. It all came back to one place. They have done it.

No one else had actual reason to go after Tyler now. Yes he was a prick to almost every human being in this school but they wouldn't have the guts to do it. I've told Stefan what happened. And he seemed so angry that he hardly held himself even in that moment and Peter…well Caroline always told me how much he hates Tyler.

I cursed silently and Caroline looked at me confused but I didn't bother explaining her because I knew how uptight she was towards Peter. I made an excuse that I have to go to the bathroom and told her that we'll see each other in class. I had to talk to Stefan, but not here because it would look too suspicious and someone might figure out what he and Peter have done. For a moment I couldn't decide what to do but then I remembered that he must be at work tonight. Yeah, exactly-Joseph Evan's factory. I'll go there tonight and try to figure out why on earth did he do it.

**Stefan's POV**

I was so tired after work that I have no idea how I managed to change my work clothes with my normal ones without falling on the ground. My knee kept hurting me more than usually and my movements were very slow. Once I finally got out of the factory after everyone else from my shift have left I noticed a girl's figure sitting on the benches outside near the parking lot. At first I didn't pay attention to her but once she turned around obviously looking for something I realized it was Elena Gilbert and it really hit me. What was she doing here?

"_Elena? "_ I asked still not sure if I it was her or not. _"What's going on? Why are you here?"_

She stood up and approached me slowly, with a very angry expression on her face.

"_I know what you and Peter Fell did."_ Oh, damn…I didn't realize she could figure it out so fast.

"_I have no idea what you're talking about."_

"_Stefan are you out of your freaking mind?"_ she almost yelled at me _"Don't play dumb! I know you did it. What will happen when Tyler figures out it was you two? You have no idea how revengeful he can be."_

"_Look, Elena"_ there was no point in pretending anymore. But she also needn't have worried about me _"We are not afraid of Tyler Lockwood."_

"_You are underestimating him."_ I swear I could see tears in her eyes. That son of a bitch really hurt her if even saying his name out loud made her feel so sad.

"_Elena, relax"_ I tried to calm her down _"We knew what we were getting ourselves into" _that was the truth though. Both me and Peter knew that Tyler would figure it out. He didn't say anything to the principle because he wanted to deal with whomever done it himself, I guess. I was not sure how much time we had until he realizes it or what he'll do once he does, but there was only one person in the school who was limping and that was me-he could figure it out by only by remembering the sound of my slow and unsteady pace and Peter's hand was a bit swallowed for hitting him though I also punched mine in the lockers so that if someone decided to catch that sign they would have to consider both of us in it. _"I'm sorry but I have to get home." _I said trying to leave her. I wasn't up to talking about it right now.

"_No,"_ she caught my hand and I felt chills everywhere in my body from her tiny but strong touch _"tell me why you did it?"_

I tried to contain myself.

"_You know why I did it."_

"_Say it out loud."_ she almost whispered that. Why was she so desperate to hear my words?

"_I did it because no one should treat a girl like that and because that prick deserves to be punished for being an asshole to everyone in this school."_ I freed myself from her grip _"I'm not going to feel guilty for putting that rich idiot into his place and I'm not going to apologize for my actions."_

"_I don't want you to"_ she said, again barely audible. For a moment we just looked at each other, not confused but..somehow understandingly and then she came closer to me. I really couldn't move I was so stunned by her behavior, by everything that has happened that day. Before I knew it I was staring at her lips, but deep down something inside me didn't allow me to do anything. Then she leaned down and kissed me, very lightly, very carefully as if she was afraid that she might break me.

First I let myself actually feel something towards whatever was going on in that moment, but then I pushed myself away because the only thing that consumed me within minutes was the guilt.

"_I'm sorry. I-I can't do this, Elena."_ I stuttered. I felt myself unstable, like I was going to fall, but I somehow pushed myself to stay up.

"_No"_ she seemed surprised by herself and maybe a little terrified by her bravery _"No I am sorry, Stefan. I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me."_

"_It's ok I just..I just can't do this right now."_ I spilled out and turned around mumbling a goodbye to her. Leaving her alone in the dark park alley.


	8. Chapter 8

**Here's another chapter. Again a little longer, hope that's ok with you. Thanks for the great reviews again. You guys are awesome.**

**Enjoy! **

**Bonnie' s POV**

I've never before in my life felt the way I've been feeling ever since I realized I am pregnant again. It was both sadness and happiness but beyond all fear, such deep fear that made my hands freeze and I started dropping and breaking plates more than usually. I was happy, another little kid was going to be part of our lives. And I was scared- how are we going to raise him or her? How am I going to tell Damon? How will we be able to live in this small house? What about Stefan? He was ruined enough already I couldn't make him work even more than he was now just because there is another child on the way?

I was terrified and Damon could see it, but he decided I was just more tired than usually. I didn't know how to put it and I was scared of his reaction. What if he doesn't want another one? I knew he used to say that he loves kids and wants at least three of four but that was before we realized how hard it was to actually raise one.

I had to tell him though. I couldn't keep living like that. I was going insane already. I felt like maybe Stefan knew by now because he looked at me with such understanding and at the same time very supporting. He caught my trembling hands and continued cleaning the dishes the other night when I made a total mess in the kitchen. After that he put his hand on my shoulder and said that it was going to be ok. All that made me wonder if he suspected it or if he was just too kind to me, trying to compensate for last week when he almost wasn't home.

My husband came home around eight this evening. Stefan was still working until ten thirty so we had the time to ourselves. I set the table and he first started telling me how his day passed but he noticed I wasn't listening nor was I eating my meal.

"_Bonnie, will you finally tell me what's going on? You're starting to freak me out."_ he caught my hand and made me look at him once he realized I was indeed very worried _"What is wrong?"_

"_Damon…I have to…admit something."_ I was afraid to speak out loud. My words were silent and I avoided looking in his direction.

"_Ok, so tell me."_ but I hesitated and stayed silent. I couldn't make myself spill the words and I felt tears streaming down my face. Why was I crying? This is the best thing that can happen to someone.

"_You are scaring me. Are ok? Are you sick or something?"_ he was very worried by that time.

"_I am pregnant, Damon."_

Silence. The kitchen became the silent field in the middle of which we stood confused and uncertain. We were in this moment where the thought of what was actually happening was sinking in both our minds and we were wondering what to say. Finally he spoke.

"_You're pregnant? You're carrying a child?"_

"_Yes, Damon."_

"_Are you sure?"_ I could sense happiness in his voice.

"_Absolutely."_ I nodded to reassure him _"I went to the doctor last Friday."_

Then he stood up and first hugged me, then leaned down and kissed me slowly, like with this one single gesture he was saying how much he loves me.

"_I am the happiest man alive!"_ he almost yelled and I wanted to scold him but there was a more important question in my head.

"_You're happy?"_

"_Why wouldn't I be? I'm about to become a father for the second time. This is the best thing that can happen."_ he felt something was still wrong and asked me _"Aren't you?"_

"_I am"_ I sighed and finally smiled _"I was just worried how will you take it."_

"_You thought I wouldn't want it?"_ he was hurt _"Are you out of your mind?"_

"_It's not about that, Damon. We have to think how are we going to support two kids now." _

"_It's going to be ok. I'll take extra shifts at the factory. Stefan is going to graduate and he'll keep on working too. We'll manage."_

I smiled again and let the tears flow. This time they were from joy.

"_I love you, Damon."_

"_I love you even more"_ he said and then leaned down and spoke to my stomach _"And I love you too buddy." _

James was watching us from afar in his bed a little worried and when we finally paid attention to him he smiled. Damon went and took him in his arms.

"_You hear, James. You're going have a brother."_

"_Hey…what if it's a girl?"_ I crossed my arms trying to sound angry

"_No, it's going to be a boy. I have a feeling."_ he said and then came closer to me with our son in his hands and kissed me on the forehead.

"_You just found out how can you have a feeling. You're such an ass sometimes, Damon."_ I spilled out hoping he wouldn't take that seriously. He just reminded me of the reckless teenager he once was so much when he was happy.

"_You'll see I'm right. And plus don't worry we have plenty of time to make that girl you've always wished for."_ he winked and I slapped him playfully on the shoulder. James decided that this is some kind of play and also slapped his father on the chest with his little palm.

"_That's right, James. You tell your father to get back to earth."_ my baby boy smiled, completely satisfied by the fact that he has done something good for his mother.

"_We have to tell Stefan."_ he added, now completely serious.

"_Yeah. And maybe it's time you stopped being so harsh on him, Damon."_

"_What? When was I harsh with him? We talked last week."_

"_No, you talked and said you don't care what he does from now on."_ he furrowed his eyebrows and looked away. He knew I was right and he hated it. _"He's feeling guilty and he's in pain, Damon. You have to be there for him, not to criticize him. Above all he's younger- he has the right to get late two or three times but he doesn't deserve your cold attitude." _

"_I'm tired of trying to convince him what is right for him."_ he sighed, both regret and anger evident in his voice.

"_He's family and we shall never give up no matter how hard he's trying to make us do it. He thinks he is a burden and now when we tell him I am pregnant he'll feel even more needless."_

"_I wasn't planning on giving up on him. I was just teaching him a lesson."_ he moved to the edge of the kitchen and left James back in his bed without giving him time to protest.

"_I know."_ I embraced his strong arms and kissed him on the cheek. _"But it's time you stopped because I can't watch you like that anymore."_ he was still uptight ad clearly didn't want to continue the subject so he turned around and our lips collided as if the world would end if he didn't have me only to himself. Then he lift me up and put me on the kitchen plot.

"_Damon, no"_ I let out when I was able to finally catch my breath _"James"_

"_What about him?"_ he let out while he continued going down, kissing my neck. His hands were gently moving up from my hops to my back, lifting up my shirt.

"_He's awake!"_

"_Ugh"_ he let me go very disappointed _"I miss you!"_ he sounded so sad.

"_When I put him to bed, ok?"_ I assured him and made him go finish his dinner. I was still worried-those things don't just disappear, but I felt a little more safer now that he knew, I felt like somehow..we could do it. And I let myself feel happy. I let myself enjoy life.

**Stefan's POV**

Love is such a strange thing. It brings you to life and then it leaves you desperate. In the beginning I wish I've known how much love shall destroy me but then I realized that it wasn't going to change anything- I would still choose to go through everything I have been. Well maybe everything except for the moment I held Anna's cold hand in the hospital and kissed her goodbye forever. But I think that maybe even that has it's sad and lovely side. I got to show her how much I love her even when she was no longer here.

The thing that's ripping me apart was the fact that I never got the chance to say goodbye to her when she was still breathing. The last words we spoke to each other were _"Wait for me, I'm coming."_ to which I responded _"Don't rush, I am here."_ And indeed I was, but she never came to me.

I like to think that now the roles are reversed and maybe she is waiting for me somewhere and often, in times of complete insanity or pain I whisper silently to myself that I am coming to her but she says don't rush and something always pulls me back to reality.

_Anna._

That was all I could think of on my way home. I loved Anna. I kept loving her, every day, every minute. She was gone but I felt her everywhere with me, I swear I could sense her sometimes when the sun shined through the small window in my room or when I was staring at the sky. She is gone, but she is here, in my heart. And, God, how much I love her!

It hurts me and it makes me sad. And the only thing I've ever wanted after she died was to feel her gentle touch again, to press my lips against her, to carry her to her bed when she falls asleep after studying for hours. I craved for love.

I knew I would never see her again. Not in this life, not here, not now. I was a hopeless lost boy on his way home. What was home when she wasn't there? What was future when she was gone? What was life when she couldn't love me?

I still did though. And I couldn't just toss that away because another girl kissed me. I loved her and I played an important part in her death. The guilt was killing me inside out. I couldn't love another, not now..probably not ever. I didn't want to. She was mine and I was hers and even in death that promise remained the same and definitely not to be broken.

I was so angry with myself. What was I thinking? Why was I misleading another girl like that? Elena didn't deserve that- she just lost her parents and I pushed her away without even explaining her what was going on.

Why was I such a terrible person? What was wrong with me?

I finally got home and hurried to get inside. I wanted to toss and ruin things and I knew where to go. Damon and Bonnie were nowhere to be seen so I crossed the living room and the kitchen with my fastest pace and then got out in the backyard. My instruments as well as a few laths were tossed in one of the corners. I've started building a new bed for James but now it seemed so ugly for me. The whole frame was somehow too simple and still not polished. I took it and tossed it on the ground then started ruining it with my healthy leg. The tears were clouding my sight and I couldn't really see what I was doing. I heard a noise from inside and I was sure my brother would be out in a minute, not that this was somehow relevant right now.

I didn't want to think, I only wanted to ruin so as just to be sure that I'm done destroying absolutely everything I've made in my life. I needed to confirm that with something visible because obviously people's feelings weren't enough of a guilt to hold inside me- I needed a touchable proof.

I remembered that I've left the little axe I used near the fence and turned around to take it. A few minutes later wood splinters were flying to the ground.

"_Stefan!"_ my brother's voice both angry and worried echoed behind my back.

I didn't respond but continued destroying whatever piece of wood I could see in front of me.

He caught my hand.

"_Stefan, what is going on?"_

"_Leave me!"_ I spilled out through my teeth but he wringed out the axe from my hands before I could continue my reckless actions.

"_Stefan"_ now his tone was sad and somehow pitiful. He saw the tears in my eyes. _"Come on, stop it."_

I could see Bonnie wrapped in her robe standing scared on the backdoor with her hands across her chest, trying to make herself feel warmer.

"_Leave me the hell alone"_ I pushed him and almost lost my balance for a moment _"You don't give a damn about anything anymore and you made yourself pretty clear."_

He was hurt but I didn't care right now. I surpassed him and made my way to the house, slowly, desperately.

I wish I have died that night they decided to beat the shit out of me. I wish I have died.

**Bonnie' s POV**

Last night Stefan really scared us a lot. Not because he ruined what he has been building up for a month already, but because he was in an emotional pain and we had no idea what this all was about. I haven't seen him that sad for a long time and his bursting out reminded Damon of the days after Anna died when he would just turn his room upside down and even hurt himself in the process.

Damon felt helpless, it was obvious that Stefan doesn't want to talk to him right now. I'm not sure he wanted to speak with anyone. The only person he was probably still communicating with was Peter Fell. At the end of the week me and Damon were supposed to go visit my parents in New York and now we felt like maybe we shouldn't leave him alone.

The night after the big fiasco he came home and went straight to his room. Lately he was even skipping dinner. Damon headed to his room but I stopped him and said I would try to talk to him. Once I entered I saw him writing in one of his notebooks with his maths student's book next to him. He looked up and I smiled, trying to make him comfortable but he seemed ashamed and unwilling to talk.

"_Hey, Stefan."_ I sat at the edge of the bed, he was still avoiding my look and remained silent. I caught his hand and he stopped writing. _"You want to tell me what's going on?"_ I asked a little cautious, afraid that he might start yelling or just push me away but he simply shook his head. _"I don't want you to shut us down. I want to help you."_

"_I know"_ he finally mumbled silently and I hugged him caressing his back gently. He seemed so sad to me that night but above all…desperate. Like he was trying to find a way out of something, but he just couldn't see it. When I let him go I smiled and caught his hands. A confession needed to be made.

"_I have to tell you something"_

"_I know, Bonnie"_ he smiled and his grip tightened. _"I know."_

"_How?"_ I was surprised. I mean I suspected it but I wasn't sure. For the first time this evening he smiled, but shook his head, making it pretty clear he won't tell me.

"_I'm very happy for you. I really am even though I might not be showing it. I'll really love that kid too, no matter what."_ at this point my eyes were full of tears but I got myself together, trying to look strong. _"And I know that you're worried to leave me alone, but I promise that I'll behave"_ he gave me a reassuring look. _"I'll keep myself out of troubles."_

"_Good."_ I ruffled his hair playfully, trying to make him smile and stood up _"Whenever you decide you want to talk, I'll be here, you know that, right?"_

"_I do."_ he let a deep sigh out and I left him alone, with his thoughts and a math homework he was dealing with a lot more easier and faster than with the stuff happening in his life.

**Stefan's POV**

I avoided Elena till the rest of the week and buried myself with as much work as I could. I felt so bad, so guilty and there was nothing that would make me feel better and no matter how hard Peter tried to cheer me up his efforts were a total waste. It took him a few days to finally make me spill out what happened and being such a wonderful friend that he is, he just tapped me on the shoulder, came out with me after work and we drank the best scotch his father had in his enormous house.

I wanted to forget about everything. About Elena, about Anna, about the guilt that filled my whole human being. I wanted also to hide the pain I felt, because the truth is that ever since that unfortunate fall in my house I've been feeling worse than before and no matter how hard I was trying to hide it, Peter managed to see it and that was another reason why he was glad about us going to Atlanta this weekend. He thought that would fix things and I trying to be realistic as usual, smiled at him and wanted to share his joy from the fact that we were going to watch a real NBA game, but deep inside I felt only disappointment in no other but myself.

Damon, Bonnie and James left on Friday afternoon while I was still at work. The night before my sister-in-law gave me strict instruction what to eat, when to eat it and of course not to forget my pills. She blabbed a long lists of stuff I was supposed to remember, but of course I couldn't. My brother was still somehow distant after my bursting out in the night Elena kissed me and I wasn't doing anything to really change it because I was beyond messed up in so many ways right now. The air in my room was filled with bitterness, guilt and regrets and even the fall sun outside that try to make its way to my room wasn't able to change that.

Peter said that I was extremely lucky after he found out Damon won't be here in the weekend. That way it wasn't necessary for me to lie to him. I just thought that I am doing it even now because not telling something is also a lie- actually one of the worst kind of lies. But somehow I tried to push that in the back of my mind because honestly I didn't want my brother to find out about that trip. I was almost certain of what this doctor was going to tell me and there was no need to put more salt to the wound. Damon had enough worries already.

On Friday evening, after I got home I just fell asleep. I haven't felt so tired in weeks and I slept for fifteen hours until Peter's knock on the door woke me up. I have overslept and he started scolding me that we would miss the appointment if I didn't hurry. At least I have packed my bag the previous day because he was indeed a pain in the ass when he was overly excited.

My friend saw this trip as an adventure he didn't have to take alone and in order to support him I even started joking in the car. Then we fought a bit about the greatest players and basketball teams until we finally came to the subject which both left us completely desperate-girls. I swear this guy could talk about Caroline Forbes so much sometimes it makes you want to just go to her house and beg her to be with him already. But I knew things doesn't work that way. Reality is called reality for a reason and fairytales are the dreams my buddy liked to live in, even though he never completely shared them. I knew he craved for her attention and that made me sad.

Once we finally got to the hospital they said we have to wait a few minutes in the lobby. I was clearly very nervous and Peter was trying to cheer me up.

"_It's gonna be fine"_ he put his hand on my shoulder and I only nodded trying to reassure both him and me

"_I know."_ I sighed _"Thanks for being here."_

"_Of course."_ he cleared his throat, trying to sound as confident as he could.

After that he changed the subject and we started talking sports and how cool everything was going to be tonight. I could see he desperately wanted to take my mind off everything that was going on around us. I have told him that I despised hospitals and they make me very uncomfortable. I guess he could see that only by the look on my face but as we started talking and arguing about which player has the best techniques I seemed to have pulled myself together again and my hand's slight tremble has disappeared. Honestly, I wasn't really scared, I was just tired from seeing the same stuff every time and that made me nervous. I think he understood that and tried to make it disappear . Before we could continue our debate a young nurse approached us and we both stood up suddenly. For a moment I lost my balance again and he caught my elbow to make sure I wouldn't fall.

"_Are you Mr. Salvatore?"_ she asked with a smile on her face.

"_Yeah."_ I confirmed unwillingly

"_Come on, the doctor is waiting for you."_ Peter let go of me and as I was about to took off with her she turned towards him as if she has forgotten to say something _"You're his relative?"_

"_I'm his cousin"_ he said it so confident as if it was true and I tried to hold myself together and not laugh but it was hard. He, however remained completely emotionless.

"_The doctor will come later to fill you in, ok?"_

"_Thanks a lot."_ she smiled and we walked slowly to the end of the corridor. She started asking me thing about my medical history and I responded trying to sound as polite as I could. I didn't want to be here. I couldn't see a point but above all my mind was somewhere else. I was rethinking what has happened between me and Elena.

**Peter's POV**

When I met Stefan Salvatore I never thought he would become my best friend. I was surprised by myself that I let someone so into my life. He changed it more or less and helped me be a better man. Now all I wanted was to do the same for him. We've both been through many shits in our life- he even more than me. The grief and loss consumed him and sometimes even blinded his judgment. That is why I offered him to talk to Elena, but he remained strongly against it. We argued a lot on the subject and at the end I told him that I don't want him to repeat the same mistakes I did with Caroline, but he just said that Elena better stay away from him because he only brings trouble, sadness and pain to other people and she didn't need that right now. I really wasn't a fan of Elena Gilbert and I was surprised by my own behavior that night when we argued, but I guess I've let my eyes and feelings get in the way of what my mind was telling me. I could feel something between them. I sensed it that day I went to see him after he has fallen and was still sick. I saw it in his sad emerald green eyes. There was something he felt towards that girl and I'm pretty sure even he hasn't realized it still. That wasn't really important though, the good thing is that I managed to catch it and I wanted to do something about it. He liked her and even though he was desperately trying to deny it I knew it was true. He was trying to make this feelings sink, that's why he looked so bad this last week. Stefan was suffocating the love in himself, burying it deep down, not letting himself feel. I wouldn't let him do that because he was my friend and that meant something to me. I have decided that if he doesn't want to talk to Elena than I should at least try and explain her shortly that they need each other's help. I could see that the real reason behind all her actions lately was no other than Stefan and I honestly liked that. If he could influence her to do better than I am all happy for her. But it isn't only about that. He needed help now- he was lost, he was confused, he had no idea what was going to happen with him from now on and maybe she could do something to change that. I don't think that ever after this girl died there was someone for him in this kind of way. I think he is still lonely and sad and because that consumes him so much, it might as well turn to be the thing that kills him.

This examination took longer that I have expected and it got me worried. After two hours have passed the nurse came and said that the doctor took him upstairs to to make him an x-ray and that they shall be done soon. Something here seemed wrong to me and I was afraid Stefan might turn out to be right in the end and that there was no point in our coming here in the first place.

I started walking up and down the corridor, almost getting crazy until I heard his phone buzzing. He has left all his stuff with me, including the work jacket he wore in which he obviously kept his cell. I saw that it was his brother but there was no way I would pick up. After the fifth missed call they send him a text saying- _You're probably working. Call me when you can because Bonnie is making a fuss that you're not responding._ I sighed relieved- at least they would stop trying to get in touch with him now. As I was about to go and grab myself a fourth cup of coffee the doctor came out of the corridor and approached me. He seemed to be in his forties with a very tired and what seemed like a confused look he greeted me and we sat down.

"_So ..I'm sorry but the news aren't really very good."_ he scratched the back of his head trying to find the right words.

"_Is he ok?"_ there it was-the pit in my stomach.

"_Honestly he is in a lot of pain and I'm quite amused by the fact that he can walk without falling. He said that he undergo an infection about a week ago?"_

"_Yeah, that's right."_

"_Well I can tell you that it won't be his last one. It would be good if he agrees to a surgery because his condition won't prove from now on without it. "_

"_Will it help him?"_

"_Well it won't take all of his pain away. I mean after all he wouldn't be able to walk normally ever again, no matter what, but at least it will stop that and he wouldn't have to keep this ability to have such high threshold for pain."_

I nodded understandingly.

"_He says he doesn't want to be cut open again, however."_ I looked at him not at all surprised and he read that in my look. _"Maybe you can change that."_

"_He's pretty stubborn. But I'll do what I can."_

"_Well, do it as fast as you can, that is my advice."_

"_Can I see him now?"_

"_Yeah, he's waiting for you in the room. I gave him some strong drugs so he's a little dizzy but he shall be ok in an hour."_

I thanked him and he took me to the door. Once I got in I saw Stefan lying on a bed with his hand covering his eyes. As he heard the door open he looked at me and tried to smile, not very successfully in my opinion, but still I considered it to be a try. He sat still slowly and I joined him on the bed while he tried putting his plaid shirt on.

We didn't really talk-there was nothing to say. He hated if someone pitied him or tried to console him or anything else like that so I helped him anyway I could and supported him while we walked to the car. We left slowly and feeling defeated. He fell asleep in the car on our way to the game and after that seemed to be better.

We enjoyed watching live basketball very much. I actually think for a moment he forgot all his troubles and just let himself be consumed by the game. For the first time in months I also let myself be happy even if it was for an hour or two. We discussed the whole game until midnight in the hotel room which was supposed to be reserved for my father and drank whatever we could find in the mini bar. It was a fun evening and even though we never got to the most painful subjects we didn't felt awkward or uncomfortable. We were ourselves.

But that was a delusional kind of happiness and I knew it. It was a sweet delirium neither of us wanted to escape because it was so much better than our actual life. For one night we got to let the steam off, forget about the girls and the work and the teams and the assholes in school. But that was it. In the morning when we headed back the same weight that's being pressuring us for months returned and we silently let it consume us.

When we parked in front of his house I saw him hesitate about something and I knew what he wanted to tell me. He didn't want his brother or anyone else under any circumstances to know what happened and I was ok with this. After all I was his friend and I would do anything to help him but I should also respect his decisions. I had to try and convince him in doing what was best for him but I needed time because Stefan was beyond stubborn.

I also needed another person- Elena. And that is why I went straight to her house once I left him.

It took me a while to actually convince myself to go and knock on the door- not because I was afraid of Elena Gilbert, but because I saw Caroline's Forbes car parked outside and I wasn't really up to seeing her or even talking to her right now. I guess that they were studying or something like that. I remember Stefan mentioning it last week.

I got off the car and lit a cigarette with my back turned towards the house and on the other side of the car so that they wouldn't see me. First I walked up and down just thinking and trying to make myself relax. I kept reminding myself that this wasn't about me but about Stefan and I owed him one ever since he helped me get in the team. And continued helping me actually because our coach sucked- big time.

I threw my cigarette, having smoked only half of it on the ground and headed to the door. I shouldn't really be re-thinking that. I should just talk. Once I knocked I took my new Atlanta hawks hat off. I bought Stefan and me the same one so we can brag in school about that. He was strongly against me paying for that too but eventually I left him no choice, because I told him he wouldn't even get into the gym if he doesn't at least once take something I gave him which resulted in him cursing whatever he could see for about fifteen minutes.

My thoughts were interrupted by Caroline opening the door and immediately trying to close it back with her eyebrows furrowed, but I put my hand on it and stopped her.

"_Look, Caroline. I need to talk to Elena..please"_ in that moment the Gilbert girl herself appeared behind my favorite blond an looked at me very surprised.

"_Peter. What are you doing here?"_

"_He's looking for someone to kick his ass is what he's doing."_ replied Caroline with her typical sass but I remained serious though. I couldn't deal with her stubbornness now, because there were more important stuff to be discussed.

"_Elena can I have a word in private."_ I looked at her trying to sound as sincere as I could and implying that it was a serious subject otherwise I wouldn't be here. _"Just a few minutes I promise."_

"_If this is about you buddy kissing her and then leaving her in the middle of nowhere then you should really-"_

"_No, Care. Let me talk to him"_ I sighed a little bit relieved. She has understood me. For now.

"_What?"_ now Caroline was pissed off but Elena cut her off with just one look and send her back to the kitchen. Then she walked outside and we sat on the big comfortable white chairs they had on their porch. I took out another cigarette just to wait until the silence isn't so uncomfortable anymore.

"_So…what is this all about?"_ she seemed to lack sleep, there were big circles under her eyes and she seemed beyond tired to me. Her hair was all over the place and she wasn't wearing any make-up. Two weeks ago I would never even imagine seeing Elena Gilbert like that.

"_More like..who it is about."_ I smiled and avoided her look. I didn't like facing disastrous sadness. I had enough of it in my life.

"_So Caroline was right. You want to talk about Stefan."_

I nodded and finally light up the cigarette. As I was about to start talking she prevented me by letting a deep sight out. I noticed that her hands were squeezing the chair's handle with her hands. Was she confused? Nervous?

"_Look, Elena. I know what happened…obviously since I am here"_ I smiled and tried to comfort her_."I know you're probably very mad at him for that he disappeared like that and never explained anything to you."_

"_If he loves another girl that is ok with me Peter"_ I swear I could see tears in her eyes. She felt rejected.

I laughed nervously and thought how easy it would be if it was like that.

"_It's not about that. Look…he probably never told you what happened up in Chicago and it's really not my place to do that. I, myself, don't know the whole story because he really doesn't talk about it, but I can tell you that-I know you've been through hell these last few months but he has been to an even bigger one and I'm not completely sure he ever went out. He probably acted all cool and wise and being happy with his life around you but he isn't. He just continues walking in that shit and carrying it all with himself."_

"_Peter I"_ she started but I interrupted her

"_Wait..let me just say what's on my mind."_ she nodded and even smiled understandingly for a moment. I guess she could see it was hard for me to that. Especially when I have in mind Caroline was somewhere inside and only the thought of her turned me upside down. _"I know he maybe..helped you somehow. I'm actually sure because he did help me, but believe me now is time I want to do something for him. I don't like seeing him lost and confused and I believe you can change that about him because just by talking about you his whole face lights up. I am not sure of his feelings nor do I have any idea what are yours but I know he could use a friend. And I feel like maybe you need each other. So I believe it will be a shame to just destroy that by a kiss you both clearly feel confused about."_

"_Peter, I really am not mad about that"_ she stated silently, calmly. That very much left me surprised. I thought she was pissed off _"I am just..confused, you know? And I even felt bad after it because I realized that it was rush and stupid and I have no idea what came over me. But this week..it was hard without being able to talk to someone. I mean yeah..Caroline she's awesome but..it's just"_

"_Different with Stefan."_ I finished her thought just because I sometimes felt like her _"He feels very bad for what he did to you. He lets his guilt consume him and that's why he hasn't really made any attempts to talk to you. Maybe you will."_ I sighed and put the cigarette down and stood up. She didn't expect me to leave so soon judging by the look on her face but I couldn't stay any longer. I was beyond tired for driving that much today and I needed to sleep. _"If you want..you can fix it."_ I smiled at her and took off slowly getting down the stairs.

"_Peter!"_ she called me with a desperate voice and I turned around.

"_There is another girl, isn't there?"_ now she has stood up too and leaned on the wooden post as if she couldn't really support herself.

"_More like…there was another girl. She is gone now."_ I responded vaguely. I wasn't sure I could say it out loud. Pain has this power once it settles up in your throat that it makes you suffocate.

"_You mean she is dead?"_ the words left me unprepared but I tried to get myself together for one last time today.

"_She is."_ I said slowly, barely audible, avoiding her look. But then I decided that this is the behavior of a coward so a looked up and faced her teary eyes- She is.

Then I left her without saying goodbye. Was there a need for that really?

**Stefan's POV**

This time the factory really send us to another city to work for three days. Damon was really very angry about it but there wasn't anything I could do. I honestly preferred it because I wouldn't have to go to school and face Elena's avoiding look. I felt really uncomfortable and nervous when I had to walk the hallways cause I felt that when I see her for the millionth time today I will only meet the brown emptiness of her eyes and that hurt me. I never wanted that kiss to happen, even though I admit it made feel good which also explained the enormous amount of guilt burning me from inside out.

Which is why I buried myself with as much work as I could so that I wouldn't have to think about her and about what the doctor said. I was sure Peter would try to corrupt me into doing this surgery but I sure as hell didn't have such plans.

Damon and Bonnie were happier lately which only made me smile. I really was trying to stay out of their way and not bother them because I knew they needed their time to re-think everything and decide how they are going to deal with the whole situation. Though there wasn't anything to deal with actually- we would just have to work more and harder. That was never a problem for me.

I started building another bed for James in the backyard and when I came back home on Wednesday I ate as fast as I could and went outside to finish at least the base construction. When I was at home I didn't need to rush things like at work. I get to look over the main parts and decide how to make them one whole. I usually put my whole heart into stuff I did for myself or the family.

"_You've been working whole day, won't you get a rest?"_ I heard my brother's voice from behind. We didn't really talk lately. I congratulated him on the baby and we hugged but that was it. We never went deeper. I guess I just wanted to prove him right- I was his stubborn disappointing little brother.

"_I just want to finish that."_ I said but never turned my look to him. I felt him sitting on the ground near me and I started questioning myself what this all was about_."Is there something wrong?"_

"_Why would there be?"_ he was the confused one now _"Can't I just sit next to my brother while he ..constructs something?"_

"_It's a new bed for James. I'll later make a smaller one for the little guy."_

"_Ah"_ he smiled widely _"So you think it's gonna be a boy too?"_

I shook my head.

"_It doesn't really matter."_ I sighed and left the hammer down.

"_You're right..it doesn't. Though I would love to see a boy. It will be just like you and me when we were little."_

"_Oh, you mean James will kick his ass all over this yard while Bonnie is not watching?"_ I smiled for the first time this evening.

"_I never kicked your ass! I only..kicked you..sometimes…when we played football."_ he said trying to prevent himself from laughing too.

"_So you can win and brag about it in front of dad, you asshole!"_ he caught my neck with his arm and brushed up my hair to annoy me just like when we were little and I tried hard to get away from him. After he stopped teasing me we calmed ourselves down and stared at the sky for a few minutes like when we were kids and dreamt big as if there wasn't anything in this world to stop us. _"I am very happy for you, Damon." _I said sincerely, avoiding his look as if I had done something wrong. Maybe it was like that because I still hasn't told him that I plan on moving back to Chicago once the school year was over.

"_Thank you, brother."_ he nodded and I felt his look over me so I faced the sincere joy in his blue eyes. The same as James's. I could still see the reckless kid he was when we were little somewhere there. Though it was mixed with tiredness and ..even compassion. Something he didn't really show all the time. He liked to hide his feelings just like me. I guess our father thought us that. And he was a rough and cold man. I didn't want to be like him. Never in my life.

In a few minutes Bonnie called us back because she believed it was too cold to stay outside. I went to finish the homework they have given us in the days I was away and noticed my brother's approving look.

I still wasn't sure how I would be able to find the right words to tell him my intentions.

A little before he went to bed he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently.

"_I am proud of you brother."_ the words were barely audible but they made my whole world. He ruffled my hair and left me alone in the small stinking like overcooked chicken kitchen. After my mother and father died, after Anna left this earth, after there wasn't a single soul out there to give a damn about me anymore I was only left with my brother. He was my family now. His family was my family. And me trying to be good enough for them was a task I failed so many times and one that I would probably never succeed in completing. But knowing that at least he is satisfied with what I was doing lessen my guilt and made me breath easily.

It made the weigh a bit lighter.

**Peter's POV**

I had my first big game this Friday and I was pretty much relieved that Stefan would be home by then because our coach was beyond unbearable and definitely part of the majority of complete idiots still walking on earth. To that category I also added the rest of the team.

As we were dressing up in the changing room I didn't really feel nervous. I felt..good, excited. I wanted to go out there and crush there guys. In the breaks I was going to consult myself with Stefan. He was always observing everything carefully and made good suggestions. Just in case I put his old t-shirt under my new jersey. No one could really conclude it was a basketball t-shirt with another school's name on it because my new one hid the letters. It's blue color didn't really match my bright red jersey but I liked the combination of the two colors. And I thought that a little more luck wouldn't be useless. I had the number seven on my back- the same as Stefan's one. And even though my name was on there too I removed it. Basically because I still considered it to be a team sport. And because I hated my father's name. It brought many extra weight with it. Weight I had no intentions of carrying, not now, not ever in my life as I has pointed out with my behavior towards father for the last 17 years.

When we were all ready the coach started giving us instructions but I wasn't really paying attention to his words. I was brought back to my conversation with Elena. Something kept bugging me. She seemed convinced when we talked, I did indeed explain her that the situation is beyond disastrous and still..when she saw him yesterday she didn't approach him. I could still feel the guilt he was feeling. It has almost become a part of his scent-that's how sad it was. Maybe I was wrong. Or maybe Caroline unconvinced her. Whatever the reason was I had lost hope that she'll talk to him. He on the other hand was another pain in the ass I still didn't have the guts to deal with right now. I have no idea how to convince someone who's clearly willing to feel pain instead of ending it. This was kind of awful masochism. Then again I don't think I'm very different having in mind how much I drank lately.

As we finally went out on the court my first thought was to see where he's sitting. I found him easily on the third roll with his green work jacket and his ruffled hair looking extremely serious and already paying attention to the other team, trying to decide who among them were the most dangerous. He found my look and nodded me confidently as if he was saying _"Don't worry, you got this"_

And I really did. We won the game with me scoring most points. As we finished I didn't join my team mates even though they were cheering me up and trying to carry me up. I wait until the whole gym gets empty and Stefan joined me with his slow limping pace.

"_Good job, Fell."_

"_It was all you. Thanks for pointing me out that douche was trying to trip me in the third quarter."_

He smiled finally satisfaction evident on his face.

"_You're welcome."_

"_Now let's get drunk."_ I said and tried to surpass him but he put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a serious look

"_Maybe you should go celebrate with the team, Peter. Make some friends."_

"_I have a friend and he's right next to me. Let's not mention that he's the only reason we won tonight."_

He shook his head, obviously a bit angry with my answer.

"_You're giving me too much credit. But if that's how you've decided then.."_

"_I'm not going out with those idiots even if someone's giving me money."_

We laughed out loud. It felt great to do something like that. The only time I felt alive was when I was playing. There was something sweet in that rush to be first and score as much as you can that lift me up and made me forget what I loser I really was. I wanted to be good, no..great at least in that one thing that made sense in my whole life.

He waited until I changed and we went outside still happily discussing the game and even my flaws. The whole backyard was empty or at least that's what we thought until we made a turn to the parking lot and faced a bunch of red and white football jackets in the middle of which was Tyler Lockwood. We exchanged understanding glances- he has figured it out. It has took him quite some time. Or maybe he was just waiting for the right moment and ..obviously recruiting his gorilla buddies.

"_Ah..Fell and Salvatore."_ he started with a satisfied smirk _"What a nice evening, don't you think?"_

Stefan put his bag down and started seriously

"_We all know why's this all about, Lockwood. We beat up your ass and now you're pissed off."_

"_Oh is that right?"_ he seemed a little pissed off already.

"_Yeah."_ this time I answered and noticed him giving a nod to someone obviously behind us.

In a minute I felt someone pushing me hard to the ground and the small stones from the sidewalk bruising my cheek. I felt someone's foot on my back but tried to turn around only to see Stefan in the same position as me with such a angry but at the same time apologizing look at his face. He hated fights and I knew why. This was like going through hell all over again but he didn't seem scared. He seemed to be already in peace with what was about to happen.

An awfully sad and even terrifying kind of peace.

Those were my last sensible thoughts. Then it all went blurry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Since I left you all on edge in the last chapter I decided I could spent some hours writing instead of sleeping. Thank you so much for reading this story and giving me your thoughts on it. Here you have more dialogue since it was just necessary for the characters to say out loud certain things, but also some Stefan thoughts at the end so I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think of this one. ((:**

**Stefan's POV**

"_**Stefan?"**_

_**I looked around myself and realized I was in that big park near out neighborhood in Chicago. The sun was shining and I could hear child's voices. It seemed like another kind of reality. It seemed…too calm. Too happy. I looked at myself and realized I was dressed in the blue jacket of my previous high school team with a big M on the right sleeve. I felt different..somehow stronger, healthier. There wasn't the usual pain I felt when I was standing straight so I looked down and realized my leg was perfectly fine, the foot wasn't crooked. That was strange. How was I ok? That could never happen. I noticed I was wearing this brown plaid shirt Anna gave me as a present for me seventeenth birthday and as I tried to fix the top button noticed how soft my hands were. **_

_**This definitely wasn't reality. Then I remembered someone calling me so I turned around and as I did my heart stopped.**_

"_**Anna?" she was there, right in front of me. Dressed in her skinny old jeans and red summer t-shirt with some cartoon character on it. Her wavy brown hair carefully combed and gathered in a neat ponytail. She was smiling from ear to ear but I didn't dare even move, because I was afraid she will disappear. "What is going on? Where am I? Am I dead?"**_

"_**No, you just collapsed after the fight. They'll probably wake you up soon." she approached me slowly and for a minute she was so close I felt our noses touch. I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek and she took my hand in hers.**_

"_**Stefan, always the gentleman." she smiled again and leaned on my shoulder. I could hold her in my arms forever. But this here wasn't forever…this wasn't even reality..this wasn't life. Then what was it?**_

"_**Am I dreaming?" I still couldn't hide my confusion.**_

"_**Something like that. But you wished to see me very much so that's why I'm here."**_

"_**But I am healthy now. I feel good." she turned around and nodded towards the surroundings.**_

"_**Do you remember that day? It was a little after we started dating." I was suddenly brought back a long time ago when we used to go outside on the Sunday afternoons and enjoy our walks and talk about everything that was going on with our lives. I was so in love with her. It was such a powerful and strong feeling. Maybe that is why I was feeling like that. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with physical strength. Maybe it was all just one particular feeling.**_

"_**I do. It was before we started working so much."**_

_**She nodded and lead me to the nearest bench where we just sat and she hugged herself in me again. It felt so good to be next to her. Surprisingly she was warm and her pressing her little body next to mine somehow made me feel even better. I kissed her on the forehead and slowly let her ponytail down.**_

"_**You know I love you with your hair down." I whispered in her ear and she let a small giggle out. Just as if she was a child- she was always so innocent, so naïve, so willing to help everyone. That is something she thought me how to do and I carried it with myself as a gift from her.**_

"_**Stefan?" her voice was serious now**_

"_**Yeah?"**_

"_**I like Peter. I think he's a good friend."I smiled and closed my eyes while still holding her so tight. I was afraid I'll lose her. I was afraid time will prevent me from having her in my arms."I like Elena too." that however made me let her go and face her deep blue eyes. I couldn't understand her. She saw me struggling and put her hand on my face to calm me down "I am just saying is all. You have to keep on going."**_

"_**I don't want to keep on going" my voice was stern, cold. She just shook her head and stood up a little so she can kiss me, this time on the lips. It felt amazing, it felt like I was back in time, happy again. It felt like love and passion. It felt like life, but before I could respond her properly she tore herself away from me, looked me in the eyes and whispered "I love you. Now close your eyes." and before I could even think why was she asking me to do this in the first place I listened to what she was saying and suddenly her hands felt colder and sharp pain appeared from my right side.**_

I opened my eyes, or at least tried to. Somehow I couldn't make my right eyelid move up. I saw a young woman dressed in white trying to put me down on what seemed to be a bed. I didn't really realize I was trying to get away from her. I was pushing myself up.

"_Calm down, please."_ she was almost yelling, but I don't think I was letting her words sink in. I looked around and saw Peter lying on the bed next to me. There was a big bandage on his head and he was holding his right arm so close to his side as if it hurt him. He looked at me and I stopped moving. The nurse pushed me down and once she realized I won't be a problem anymore she went outside, probably looking for the doctor.

"_Stefan"_ Peter's hoarse voice was barely audible _"Calm down, you stubborn asshole."_

I felt my whole right sight of the face swollen. My ribs also hurt and I bended on the side that felt somehow healthier. I felt my whole leg numb and as I looked down I noticed a bandage on my right foot. Suddenly I remembered one of Tyler's bodyguards stepping on it with his big foot and another one who hit me in the knee, which explained the sharp pain there too. At least this guys knew who they were dealing with and where our weak spots were.

"_What happened?"_

"_I don't know…I woke up a while ago."_ he spoke slowly as if every work demanded enormous amount of strength. _"My arm hurts." _he added as if he was just about to start crying.

"_I'm gonna kill that..stupid..Lockwood…idiot"_ I couldn't really pronounce the worlds right because my mouth was also swollen. I tried to sit straight again no matter how much pain that brought.

"_Not before I do it first."_ he said and pressed his hand even closer to him while letting an angry grunt out. _"Jesus, you really are not listening to what people tell you."_

There was another thought on my mind right now which prevented me from being reasonable in this moment

"_Damon will kill me. He will..just kill me."_ in that minute however the door opened and the nurse came back with the doctor, both very frustrated from seeing me barely sitting up.

"_What on earth do you think you are doing?"_ he let out angrily and they pushed me back on the bed without me being able to protest.

"_I have to go home"_ I said, but closed my eyes because my head started spinning too much. Before I could do anything else I felt the nurse injecting something in my arm . I looked around again only to see Peter's devastated face and I started dozing off again. The voices fused somewhere above me and I lost control of my body. Of the present.

**Elena's POV**

It wouldn't be Caroline if she didn't decide to wake me up in eight on a Saturday morning. I loved my best friends but her understandings of people's needs sometimes was seriously questionable. Last weekend she called me in seven to update me on our study plan because I was way behind the material. I guess I should be happy that at least now was an hour later.

I didn't respond immediately and left the phone buzzing until I guess she finally gave up. But I was already awake and as usually in the past week and a half my first thought was about Stefan. Unconsciously I would touch my lips and close my eyes, trying to remember how sweet it all was and how gentle and genuine his whole posture was.

I felt so scared. Scared to love someone. That's why I pushed my thoughts about him away. That's why I didn't go and talk to him on Thursday when he finally appeared back on school. I was afraid. I was a coward and my soul felt so small, so insignificant. Later on I realized that maybe the reason why I was so frightened was because I was afraid to lose another person I love. I didn't want to give my heart away to something that will disappear, because up until now everything proved to be a dust in the wind, to be able to become invisible and to cause nothing but pain. I didn't crave for nothingness, I craved for love. But there were different concepts of love and I don't think I even came close to the real definition of it by now. I often wondered if Stefan has. I guess he did, if he is in so much pain and if sadness is so evident in his look. I was curious to know if he could ever love someone like this again or if those things come only once in a lifetime. My father once told me that you never forget your first big love so I guess Stefan wouldn't do it either. Was there a reason for him to do that? Yeah, the girl was dead but that didn't mean a thing because he was here and his feelings could as well be stronger now when she's gone even if he can't see her every day. That thing inside him that was killing him is probably not at all sadness or despair- it's just love. Like the love I felt for my parents- that was persistently destroying me from the inside out too. I wanted to show them again how much I loved them, I wanted to feel their love as well. When that started missing my life took a whole new direction.

My thoughts were again interrupted by the phone buzz. Jesus..this girl was persistent.

"_What is it Caroline?"_ I asked, annoyance evident in my sleepy voice.

She however seemed very upset.

"_Elena…I have to tell you something I just found out."_

"_Care, what's going on?"_ suddenly my annoyance was replaced with concern. She did indeed sound scared..if not terrified. _"Are you ok?"_

"_It's not me…"_ she made a dramatic pause obviously wondering whether to spill it out or not already. Or maybe she was searching for the right words. _"Tyler Lockwood and his buddies beat up Stefan and Peter last night."_

"_What?"_ I suddenly stood sit. _"What do you mean he beat them up?"_

"_There was a game yesterday and they were the last one to leave. Apparently he was waiting for them. It was all planned."_

For a moment I went silent and cursed in my mind. Confusion and worry overcame me and I stood up trying to get to the wardrobe and find my clothes.

"_I have to go see him Are they in the hospital?"_

"_No, I don't think so. Maybe they came back home."_ she didn't seem very certain but I decided not to think too much about it.

"_Do you know how are they? Anything at all?"_

"_No. No idea"_ her voice still seemed very scared to me. _"Elena, you can't go."_

"_You don't understand. This is all my fault. They started this in the first place because of me. I have to go see him, I lost too much time."_ now I was blabbing without actually giving it too much thought.

She sighed and obviously gave up on arguing with me and in a few minutes after I was sure I got everything she already knew, we hang up. It took me a while to get ready and I didn't even consider the fact that it was 9 in the morning and he could be as well still asleep. I wanted to see him no matter what. I was so worried my hands even started trembling but as I got in the car I tried calming myself down. There was no need in going there if I was in this condition. He wasn't suppose to see me like this. On the way there, even though the radio was on, I couldn't even make sense of one song. My mind was spinning from questions, conclusions and angry curses towards this idiot Tyler. I knew this would happen, why on earth weren't they more careful? Stefan wasn't in perfect health to begin with so what happens once he gets beaten up by those stupid gorillas in the football team? I was afraid again, but this time not because I was scared to talk to him but because I didn't want to see him like this. I didn't want him to feel pain because of me. Peter told me last week that guilt overcame Stefan but now the same was happening to me and indeed it was a powerful feeling. The same I felt after my parents died.

Once I parked in front of their house I walked slowly from the car to the door because I was still trying to calm myself down. I'm sure I probably looked like a ghost but tried to console myself for the millionth time this morning and knocked on the door. It took them a while to open me and I was worried that they weren't even there and Caroline was all wrong about them not being in the hospital anymore but after a few minutes which to me felt like a month his sister-in-law opened the door with the baby in her hands. She seemed very surprised to see me. Either she was expecting someone else or she knew something was wrong between me and Stefan. I doubt, however, that he would tell anyone besides Peter.

"_Hello, Mrs. Salvatore."_ she tried smiling and looking polite but I could see the dark circles under her eyes- she probably hasn't slept at all.

"_Elena, right?"_

"_Yeah."_ suddenly I felt confused and shy so for a moment I looked down at my black converses trying to gather some courage. _"Can I please see Stefan?"_

She sighed, obviously not very pleased with my demands, but she gave it a second thought and opened the door wider.

"_Just a few minutes, ok?"_ I stepped in and she led me to his room while giving me a sign that she'll open first because she's not sure if he's still awake or if he has fallen asleep. As she opened the door I realized how afraid I am again but I tried to get myself together and look as calm as I could. She stepped in and I followed behind her. I've never before been in his room, only in their kitchen. It was very small, with his bed in the right side and a wardrobe against it as well as a few chairs on which he obviously kept most of his clothes. There weren't any posters on the walls, only variety of books on the floor and a few on his bed cupboard where a reading lamp was used as a hanger because his red Atlanta hawks cap was put on it.

Once I finally stopped my look at him I felt my hands trembling again so I intertwined them together nervously behind my back. The right part of his face was bruised and he couldn't open both his eyes once he realized there was presence in his room. As he met my gaze he seemed beyond surprised and confused.

"_Hey, Stefan."_ she turned towards him _"You have a guest."_ he started moving obviously trying to raise himself a bit and sit but as he started doing so he grunted and put his left hand on his right side._"Don't!" _she scolded him. _"You'll get up when your brother comes home." _

"_Okay"_ was the only thing he said, barely audible and with a hoarse voice. There was again this sadness I could sense mixed with confusion and misunderstanding. He couldn't get what I was doing here.

She left us alone and closed the door behind her. For a few minutes we stood like this just staring at each other until he finally decided to speak up.

"_Am I dreaming..by any chance?"_ he wasn't joking. I'm not sure he was making a difference between reality and sleep right now, he seemed so tired to me, barely standing awake. I laughed and he tried smiling as well.

"_You are not."_

"_You can…come closer you know. I don't bite."_ he spoke so slowly as if every word caused him pain and demanded strength he didn't have right now. In my opinion he shouldn't have left the hospital, he looked so pale and just..crushed in every sense. I sat at the edge of the bed trying not to take any of his space, but close enough to him at the same time. He closed his eyes for a moment again, apparently trying to undergo some kind of pain and I looked away because I couldn't bear seeing him like this. I was on the verge of letting my tears go already.

"_I am so sorry"_ I spilled out silently as if I was afraid to say it out loud when I should be probably screaming it at him since it was all my fault.

"_Why are you apologizing?"_ he opened his eyes again obviously confused. _"You did nothing wrong."_

"_If it wasn't for me now you and Peter would-"_

"_No"_ he said sternly and caught my hand which very much surprised me. He made me look at him _"This could never be your fault, you hear me?"_ there was this determination in his eyes. He was so stubborn to make me believe it and for a moment I almost did. Just to make him calm down I nodded and he leaned back on the pillows supporting his back.

For a minute we stood again in silence, both lost in our thoughts which he decided to interrupt.

"_So..I'm guessing if you're here Peter talked to you?" _

"_He did…but it took me too much time to realize that I should've come earlier to you_._"_ he seemed again surprised by my words and wanted to interrupt me but I prevented him from doing so _"Stefan..I am indeed sorry for that kiss."_

"_You shouldn't be. But you need to know that I'm just..too broken for a relationship right now."_

"_Stefan"_

"_No..wait. I have to tell you."_ I nodded and waited patiently while still holding his hand. It was so cold that it almost made me shiver so I put my other one on top of his just to make him feel better, to calm him down, because he seemed very nervous _"The truth is that you are an amazing girl and what I did to you wasn't right. I should've explained myself but being the coward I am I just..just couldn't bring myself to talk about that..about everything that happened, because it's just too overwhelming and it leaves me sad and broken and in despair and I'm not trying to hide that. I am broken, Elena and that is one of the reasons I don't want to misguide you in any way. You have been in too much pain a girl your age should ever be and watching you feel even worse because I stepped away made me realize how selfish I am. I never meant to hurt you but the funny thing is that I liked it and that both made me happy and guilty and I'm still wondering how it can even be this way. You are kind and you have a beautiful soul no matter how hard you're trying to hide it and cover it with all the wrong words for all the wrong reasons. I saw that in you from the moment we met. And that is the reason why I don't want to admit to myself that I could have any feelings for you, because I'm not sure how ready I am to start something. I kept repeating myself those days that there is no logic in all our actions, that they are in vain, they are lacking sense but love and falling in love have nothing to do with that and that's why it all hurts so much. It leaves us confused, you know?"_ by that time I was really trying to keep myself from crying. He spoke so sincerely and with so much pain that I just wanted to take it all away from him

"_Look Stefan.."_ I took a deep breath _"I like talking to you. I like spending time with you and I don't want to make you uncomfortable in any way. I am afraid to get close to someone just because I feel that I'll-"_

"_Lose them."_ he finished my thoughts and we stared at each other for a moment. We both knew that feeling and it scared us.

"_I want us to keep whatever relationship we have right now and I just.. I missed talking to you so much this week. I never before realized what I would do if I lose it, you know? It was just for a short period of time but it meant the world to me."_ I shrugged with a small smile on my lips realizing how ridiculous and cliché my words sounded. _"I don't want to rush into anything too. I just want to keep on seeing you."_

"_Good. I definitely want that too."_ he let a sigh out as well and tried to raise up again, not very successfully so I tightened my grip and tried to help him but he started coughing so I handed him the glass of water standing on the cupboard and waited until it all passed away.

"_I'm sorry. I'm not very..presentable today."_ he let go of my hand and put it back on his ribs trying to suppress the pain.

"_What did the doctors tell you?"_

"_Don't think about that, I'm fine"_ he tried to decline the answer because he hated talking about himself which also explained why I didn't knew that much about him in the first place and Peter had to tell me what the actual reason behind him leaving me that night was. But I was also stubborn so I didn't just left the subject away.

"_Ugh-uh, friends tell each other everything."_ I said persistently _"Come on."_

"_I'm really fine. Just two broken ribs, a big bruise on my knee that might cause some future problems and one of the gorillas stepping over my foot which explains why it looks so swollen. But Peter is worse, they had to make him a few stitches and his shoulder was twisted so he wouldn't be able to play for a couple of weeks probably..which as you might guess made him very angry."_

"_And you say that's fine? Are you out of your mind?"_ now that explained why he seemed so broken this time not from the inside and I wasn't sure which was better in that moment.

"_Please don't make a fuss about it. My brother is already just too mad at me."_

"_Besides the fact that you got into a fight is there another reason he should be?"_ I felt there was more to it by the way he spoke the last words. Too much disappointment in himself evident in his voice.

"_It's not the first time, you know? How do you think I got this fancy way of walking?"_ he said with his calmest voice if it wasn't a problem at all.

"_You were beaten?"_ that was news. I thought he got into some kind of accident so I never asked him because it would feel too awkward.

"_Yeah. Last year actually. So you could say I've been far worse, believe it or not."_

"_So he's angry it happened again?"_

"_He is.-he nodded sadly"_ Because when I finally woke up I promised him it will never happen again. And now it did and I scared him to death again…so he's pretty much beyond pissed off as you might guess.

"_He'll stop being angry once you get better, you'll see."_

"_Let's hope you're right."_ he tried smiling again and tossed the blanket off trying to sit next to me. I really didn't think he should move up at all but I helped him even though after a few minutes he leaned back on the wall because he needed something to support him. He was dressed in a shabby old shirt with too long sleeves that covered most of his palms under which there was a white t-shirt. Just now I noticed the bandage on his bare foot but hurried to look away just so I wouldn't make him feel uncomfortable. _"Does it hurt you?"_

"_No, I'm fine."_ he let out clearly still tired from moving, even if it was so little. He was breathing heavily.

"_You keep repeating it too much but you know I don't believe you."_

"_Well you and Peter should make some kind of club together because you just seem to be too confident that you know how I really feel."_ he said sarcastically.

"_No, we're just not blind like other people"_ I stated and he looked at me this time seriously and appreciatively. Before we could continue talking the door opened and an older man with dark short hair and deep blue eyes came in. I guessed this was his brother. He had this angry look but underneath I could sense he was just too worried. Once he saw Stefan sitting like this I felt he wanted to start scolding him but maybe because I was there he decided he shouldn't. He was dressed in work clothes and on his right sleeve I show the abbreviation of the Thomas Fell car company so I concluded he must be working there. He avoided my look as if I wasn't in the room at all and turned towards Stefan.

"_You need to eat"_ his voice was definitely cold. Stefan was right, he seemed beyond pissed off. _"I'll help you get to the kitchen."_

"_Just a few more minutes, brother"_ let out Stefan desperately to keep my company. Or he really didn't want to deal with him right now. I decided it was time for me to go so I stood up

"_It's ok, Stefan. I better go anyway."_ he seemed unhappy when I said that but tried to hide it from me with one of his light sincere smiles.

"_Thanks for coming."_

"_Get better."_ I left the room as fast as I could because I could feel the tension in it.

**Stefan's POV**

I didn't even have time to think about Elena's coming once my brother started helping me stay straight. It was just too painful and blurred my mind. Damon was beyond angry with me, he was like a ticking bomb ready to explode any minute. Last night when he came to the hospital, he was just so scared, I saw it in his eyes. Just like last time when they didn't even let him see me. The first thing he did was to hug me and after he realized I was conscious enough he let his anger show and started scolding me but I didn't oppose him in any way. He had every right to get mad and even yell. I didn't make it easy for him and I made him a promise- another one I failed keeping.

His grip was so tight that it made my ribs hurt but I didn't tell him anything because I didn't want him to think he caused me pain but every two steps I would make him stop and it made him angry. Not because I couldn't walk but because of the reason I wasn't able to do it.

"_Damon"_ I let out somewhere in the middle of the hallway _"I can't." _I put my hand on the right side again and he threw me a worried look.

"_Yes, you do"_ I heard Bonnie 's voice from the kitchen door with James in her hands. He looked at me curiously, he couldn't get what was wrong _"Come on. James is waiting for you." _she then turned to her son and started talking to him _"James, call your uncle to come here"_ she showed him how to move his hand as if he was trying to urge me to keep on going but the kid couldn't twist his hand like that so he just started waving and smiled up at me. I tried returning him with the same and took another stop while they kept trying to cheer me up. When we both finally made it to the door I kissed James on the forehead and his little hands stretched to me. He wanted to play again.

"_Not now, son"_ said Damon _"Maybe once your uncle stops trying to get himself killed he'll be able to hold you."_

"_Damon!"_ Bonnie scolded him but he just grunted annoyed and at the same time relieved that I managed not to fall on the way to the dinner table. I wasn't at all up to eating and as we sat down I only took slow bites of the meal because my thoughts rushed back to Elena. She did indeed surprise me very much today. I thought things between us has screwed up in that unfortunate night but maybe Peter used his best charm this time. I had no idea what he told her but I'm sure he wouldn't go into details just because he didn't have such. I was usually very vague when it came to this matter. Speaking about Peter I was sincerely hoping he wasn't trying to suppress his pain with alcohol right now because that would bring him even more troubles. Since his father was out of the country they called his aunt and cousin from Charleston. As far as I knew they were very decent and were probably the only people that cared about him so I was happy he wasn't alone. I wouldn't bear the thought of him being left in this enormous house by himself and with the alcohol stock they had in the basement, which was starting to disappear too fast especially in the last few months.

I felt so bad that he wouldn't be able to play again soon. I know how much it meant to him and how devastating this time would be so I was preparing myself from now to be there for him when he starts training again.

"_Stefan?"_ I turned around suddenly when my brother interrupted my thoughts. I realized they were already done and Bonnie was taking the dishes to the sink. Did I really lose myself so much that I missed what was going on around me? _"Do you might enlightening me what happened last night?"_

For a moment I remained silent. I knew he would ask me that question but I wouldn't even dare start explaining him. It was too complicate to begin with.

"_We just…got into a quarrel with some guys."_ I answered vaguely.

"_Oh, so when will be the next time I should expect a call from the hospital?"_ his voice was sarcastically cold. _"Next week maybe? If you could walk by then than I'm sure you'll be up to late night fights with unknown people who enjoy crushing your ribs."_

"_Damon"_ I said also seriously now trying to tell him that he shouldn't go there. Bonnie was already throwing us scared glances. She could sense the fight.

"_Don't Damon me for god's sake"_ he hit the table with his fist and my glass almost jumped. _"What the hell is going on with you? Do you want to kill yourself or something?"_

"_I don't. It was just a misunderstanding."_

"_So was the last one but as far as I can remember it left you unconscious for a whole week not to mention-"_

"_What? Crippled? That's what you want to say, don't you?"_ this time I raised my voice.

"_I can't put up with your stubbornness anymore, Stefan! You have to stop doing this."_

"_Well you won't have to do it for much longer"_ I said and tried standing up which I almost failed but I caught the edge of the table and kept myself straight.

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_ he was confused. He didn't expect me saying that.

"_It means that I'm going back to Chicago once I graduate."_

"_No"_ this time Bonnie turned up abruptly towards me with a dry plate in her hand clearly frustrated and with a very determined look

"_I am. I have decided it. And I even made Dylan start looking for a job."_

"_You are not going anywhere. Not like this, you need someone there for you."_ he wasn't angry anymore, he was worried that I sounded so confident.

"_Well guess what? I am eighteen so you have no say in it anymore."_ I suddenly felt the pain in my ribs coming back so I let a deep sigh out and tried getting myself together but I felt myself losing ground. Damon was there to catch me before I could fall and put me back on the chair. For a moment I leaned back and closed my eyes. The kitchen was terrifyingly silent. _"Coming here was a mistake for me."_

"_Stefan you're not going up there alone."_ Bonnie intervened _again "This is a big distance. I promised your mother that I would keep an eye on you"_

"_Well she's dead now."_ there was such bitterness in my voice _"You have your own kids to worry about. I'm not so sure my mother took that into consideration."_

"_Stefan, it's not about that! You can't just leave."_ she kept insisting and sat back on the table still with the plate in her hands.

"_I have made my decisions and it's time you start accepting them. I am not a little kid anymore!"_

"_But you act like one"_ Damon raised his angry voice again _"Just look at yourself. How do you want me to let you go and pretend you'll all be fine?"_

"_Because I will be."_ I was starting to get annoyed but beyond all tired. This was too much for me right now and I regretted starting it.

Damon kept shaking his head seriously.

"_I am not gonna let you do this."_

I didn't answer him anymore, I just didn't have the strength to and he saw it. After a few minutes has passed I tried standing up and going on my own but I couldn't. He wanted me to go back to my room but I just didn't shook my head telling him that it won't happen and instead he put me on this small kitchen bed Bonnie used to sleep in when James used to wake up sometimes in the night. I could see how angry my brother was. Those news came to him as a complete surprise-I knew his hopes and dreams for the future-he didn't want us to part. I knew he would hate it as much as I would but I needed to do it, more for myself than for anyone else. I really still believed that coming here was a mistake, even though I met some nice people. I just didn't feel right and I have convinced myself that it wouldn't work like this. Or maybe all I needed was to leave them alone, to let them be, because it would mean they wouldn't have to wear such big weight on their shoulders. I was a constant problem so I was better on my own and they just wouldn't be able to make me change my mind.

My brother left us alone, still very angry, but he obviously decided there was no need to keep fighting right now since I'm not sure how concentrated I was in the first place and he could see it.

I have almost fallen asleep when Bonnie came back with a blanket and put it over me. I expected her to leave but she sat next to me and I tried to keep myself awake for a few more minutes. It was still afternoon but to me it seemed like evening- it was so dark and cloudy outside and the weather completely coincided with my inner mood. I wanted to look away from her but decided that it was too cowardly so I faced her deep brown sad eyes. She wasn't angry anymore, just desperate. I didn't let her begin first though.

"_I need to do this, Bonnie."_ my voice was so hoarse I couldn't even recognize it.

She caught my hand and looked for quite some time somewhere upfront her in which time I closed my eyes again and started dozing off. She leaned down and kissed me on the forehead like my mother used to do when I was little

"Sleep tight." she said and left me alone. I opened my eyes again and stared at the window for a few moments. I remembered my dream with Anna. It was just so beautiful. I wish life would be that simple, just like when it was then. The only thing I needed to do was love someone else and that somehow was enough. There was no work, no Daniel, no other girls, no sad friends. My heart was full of joy and I couldn't compare the person I was to the person I am now. We were two different people. And even though now it was somehow way much harder I still couldn't deny that there were moments I was glad I was alive. I had to find them and remember them good, so when I decided, I could just go back and smile and say to myself that even in the worst there was something good that kept me on going. And indeed there was- work brought me satisfaction and it complete me as a person, my sad and lonely friend made me laugh and stood beside me in no matter what I decided and the girl…the girl brought this sophisticated spring wind with herself that changed things upside down. That wind confused my soul and tested me. Could I endure it? Would I dare even try? I didn't even consider asking myself if there was a point in it, because I didn't want to find sense in everything. If I did it would leave me even more desperate. I didn't need sense when feelings were concerned, I only craved for time and patience.

We all fall down, sometimes more than once, sometimes more than ten or twenty times. We lose ourselves and question all around us. That makes us hate more, it helps the evil inside us grow. Other times it urges us to go on edges and make unnecessary decisions. It takes courage to face your demons, to be prepared to go down that road, but since I haven't even gotten out of it I couldn't really make any assumptions to where it will all lead me if it ever goes worse. What happens then? How do you fall out of love? _**Could someone tell me that?**_ How do you leave your loved ones buried somewhere in the ground under you? How do you teach yourself to feel right again? And do you ever succeed? And most importantly-where it all ends? Does those darkness and despair have expiration day? And if it doesn't how do I fight it?

My thoughts started losing their initial order and I felt cold so I tugged myself with the blanket and held it tight with my hand. I don't know why but it gave me the feeling that Elena and me were holding hands again.

It felt warm- just like her.


	10. Chapter 10

**So here's another chapter. The tenth one, actually. I never believed I'll ever write 10 chapters cause I never thought someone would wanna read this story in the first place. So thank you all for reading and reviewing again.**

**To answer some of your questions-yes Anna's story will be revealed soon. In next chapter actually. I know it took me a while with her but I have honestly written it all a little earlier, didn't like it, and deleted like 3-4 pages just because it didn't seem good to me. It wasn't the right moment. So bear with me a little more and you'll get to know the rest. Also about Tyler-you have every right to run him over with whatever you want. I have no problems with that. XD **

**Stefan's POV**

I woke at the sound of my phone buzzing. It was something like three in the afternoon and again I have fallen asleep for quite some time which has been repeating for the last few days. My brother was at work and Bonnie went somewhere out with James which was great news for me because I had intentions of going to Peter's house today without them preventing me from doing so. Staying in the house in those three days made me go out of my mind and even though it wasn't very easy or painless to move I preferred trying doing so instead of lying all day. My ass was getting flat from that uncomfortable bed in the kitchen. All I did was re-watch the NBA games on the TV and talk to Bonnie from time to time when she had to cook. My brother was still very pissed off and didn't really talk to me while Bonnie avoided the subject as if I haven't talked serious about leaving and it was just a thought that will pass away. She seemed to be sure she would convince me in staying. Or she was just in denial, either way both of them acted stubbornly when it came to that matter.

It took me some time to reach the phone and I was getting annoyed because I was sure it would probably be just Peter being angry that I haven't gone there already. He was in a very bad mood those days since his aunt has hidden all the alcohol in the house and all he craved was just get drunk and suppress the pain he felt in his arm as well as the disappointment that his basketball career might as well be doomed to hell. I felt so much worse for him than I did for myself, because he could do something great. He had talent and he had the stubbornness to pursue his dreams. All he needed was someone to push him a bit harder and convince him that he can do something. I didn't know what would happen in the future but I had a few ideas popping up in my hand when it came down to him. I wouldn't just leave him like that. After all I made him join me in the Tyler vengeance plan and it was my fault he was at the breaking point of losing himself all together again.

I was, however, surprised to see Elena's name on the screen. I smiled and picked up. We haven't heard from each other since she came to see me. It seemed like weeks and not just days ago.

"_Hey, Stefan"_ her cheerful voice made me smile even wider. She was in good mood which meant she was having a nice day. She wasn't losing herself in sad thoughts again and that made me let a small relieved sigh out.

"_Hey. I'm sorry, it took me some time to get to the phone. How are you doing?"_

"_I'm fine. Sorry for not calling you earlier. Caroline made me study yesterday and today Jenna wanted to talk about universities and me finally start thinking about applying"_ her last words brought me back to earth and made me feel uncomfortable, even though I had no idea why. I was glad that she has decided she wants to study, that was a big step for her and it meant she wanted to do something about her future, which up until now was put aside as she was drown in the routine of how to survive every other minute without falling apart. She was making plans and as this thought passed through my mind and finally sank in I smiled and pushed my initially sad feelings about that fact away.

"_Ah, so you're gonna be a college girl?"_

"_Let's hope so."_ uncertainty quite evident in her voice. Why was she doubting herself? She was very bright, I was sure she'll get in whenever she wants. The bad grades she had in the beginning of the semester were now replaced by perfect As. _"How are you doing? Do you feel better?"_

"_Yeah, I'm great."_ she laughed as if she didn't believe me at all _"What? I am serious, I promise."_

"_Ok, ok. If you say so I believe you"_ now she sounded serious. I wish I could see her face_."Can you walk by yourself already?"_

"_Why? Do you have anything in mind?"_

"_Well…we could go out for a little if you want?"_ she spoke slowly and I could sense that she felt a little embarrassed asking me that.

"_I do."_ I tried sounding not too enthusiastic _"But I promised Peter I'll come by his house and I'm actually late. Can you pick me up from there?"_

"_No problem."_

"_I'm sorry, we just really need to talk."_ I felt somehow bad. As if I had way too much important stuff to do and couldn't find time for her.

"_Why on earth are you apologizing?"_ she said maybe a little too surprised. Did I look like a rude person? _"I didn't call you for two days?"_

"_Well you have a life, Elena, "_ I sighed tiredly _"unlike us who just drink to suppress whatever stupidity we managed to do again."_

"_That's not exactly true but we can argue once we go out. "_

"_Good, then I can't wait proving you wrong."_

"_See you."_ she said and as I hanged up still with a smile on my face. Somehow now I really felt better, there was something to look for after those plain, filled with silence days. I finally decided to stood up and stretched to get my crutches from the end of the bed. Thank God I dressed myself this morning cause I'm not sure I would be able to complete the task now. It took me quite some time to get to the living room and find a jacket. It seemed like Bonnie has either washed it up or threw mine away because I remember it had too much blood on it after the fight with Tyler and she just hated looking at such things, which was very unfortunate for me because it was my favorite and only jacket and it was given to me by the factory. As I couldn't find anything else I decided to get my brother's one. It was too a little too big for me and the sleeves covered most of my hands but it was something I guess. It took me another ten minutes to find my shoes. What the hell was wrong with those people? Did they decide to hide everything I need to get out in unknown to the geography places of this house? I was in a rush and started getting worried that Bonnie might come home before I go out so I didn't even try tying my shoes. Thank God the bus stop was near and I didn't have to walk so much. On my way there I looked around to almost every possible corner where my brother or Bonnie could come out of. I guess I wasn't out of luck today unlike every other time in the last few weeks.

Once I got to Peter's house his aunt- Emma opened me. She was a very nice lady in her forties who loved giving people kisses so again..this time, even if we've only seen each other once before, she hugged me tight and I almost fell down. Besides that unfortunate fact about her, she was very wise and cared deeply about Peter, unlike his father who after he has understood about the fight and his son going to the hospital only said that it wasn't something he would expect happening. That of course brought my friend to another edge of which I hoped his aunt and cousin managed to bring him back. His cousin-Theo was I guess back to college. He was studying in New York with Peter's brother but he told me that him and the elder Fell didn't see each other often. It seemed as if my friend's older sibling was a complete copy of their father or at least, he didn't give a damn about what was happening in Mystic Falls. I felt bad for Peter, because while I had a brother to take care of me he had no one, literally no one. Emma was the closest thing to a relative who lived nearby that he would ever have and even she couldn't be there for him all the time. He mentioned that she once offered him to move with her to Charleston but he was strongly against it. I guess by now he was used to living on his own which had its negative effect on him and mainly on his liver.

After Emma blabbed a whole lot of words I managed to understand that Peter is in the backyard. Everything else passed through my ears without letting it sink in and only nodded politely and said yes whenever it seemed appropriate. I slowly got to the back door while stopping a few times and letting deep sighs out. It was hard to move with crutches when your ribs are broken. I could never figure how Damon helped me move around the house without me feeling that much pain. I guess he was used to that by now. After the accident last year he was the only thing that kept me straight for a month and a half.

I found Peter sitting on the improvised wooden bench in their back yard with the basket ball in his feet and a bottle of scotch in his hand, staring at the ring on the other side of his own court. He was in deep thoughts but smiled as he noticed me approaching.

"_About time, Salvatore. I was going to finish this on my own."_

"_Jesus Christ, will you even stop drinking, Peter?"_ I asked half-jokingly, half-seriously and took the bottle away from his hands. He looked at me disappointed that I was scolding him in desperate times and was ready to protest when I myself took a big sip and let a satisfied grunt out once I decided it was enough.

"_Ha-ha, that's my man"_ he said cheerfully. It was nice to see him smile, even for a while.

"_Damn, that's strong."_ I added and and sat slowly down next to him. _"I thought your aunt hid all the alcohol."_

"_Are you really underestimating me when it comes to liquor, Stefan? I have my private stock which is hidden in unknown to the mankind places. Might I add that even the person who constructed that house will need weeks to find them."_

We laughed and I leaned the crutches on the wall.

"_How do you feel?"_ it was time to get more serious. He still seemed in pain to me and his hand had this big bandage, almost like the one on my foot. He kept it closer to his side as if he was afraid not to hurt himself even more.

"_Better."_ he let a sigh out and opened his pack. I lit the cigarette for him since he couldn't do it and took one for myself. Damon has hid my own somewhere again and I was dying for a few days. _"You?"_

"_Still the same. When did they tell you it will all pass?"_ I started carefully but he seemed to be in a relatively good mood so he didn't burst out. He was usually patient with me.

"_Another week or so."_ he looked away, uncomfortable talking about it and added _"At least we'll skip school for now."_

"_Did the coach talk to you?"_

"_Yes. He said my spot on the teams is still going to be there for me when I get better."_ he ran his fingers towards his hair, seeming lost. I caught his shoulder but he didn't look towards me.

"_Peter, we'll figure it out. I'll help you."_ he didn't seem to believe me so I tightened my grip a little until he finally met my gaze _"You hear me? You're not giving up, ok?"_

He nodded but didn't say a thing, not because he didn't agree with me but because I felt he was suffocating from the pain inside him again and the limp in his throat prevented him from even letting a sound out. It took him a few minutes to get himself together.

"_What are we going to do about Tyler?"_ now anger was evident in his voice. _"We can't leave things like that."_

"_I know."_ I let the smoke out and leaned back on the side of the house to support myself. I was starting to feel tired and I haven't even been out for an hour_."We have to think carefully about that now. If we're careless it might as well become like a war."_

"_But it is a war already, Stefan"_ he let out quite loud but lowered his voice once he remembered his aunt is inside _"He prevented me from doing what I love, the only thing that makes sense in my life right now actually so I want to do the same to him-take all that makes him happy, crush his car, make his girlfriend break up with him, get him suspended from the football team, do you understand me?"_

"_Yes "_ I nodded again with a plan in my mind already _"We do all this but we do it smart, you see? We have to act as if we're defeated, then we find allies and give them money-that won't be hard. Money keeps people's mouth shut, especially if they are teenagers who lack them. The car we can deal with by ourselves, the girl we'll convince silently and almost invincibly-we only have to push him on cheating with another one and for the team we'll need to bribe an enemy he has, otherwise I don't see it happening."_

"_Damn…you have guts, Stefan"_ now he was smiling, clearly satisfied that I was on board with him. He passed me the bottle again but I refused him.

"_I'm meeting Elena in a while, I can't stink like scotch, Peter."_

"_What?"_ that clearly surprised him but at the same time he seemed a little nervous and I knew why.

"_Don't act all surprised, you asshole. You talked to her!"_ I scolded him

"_I did nothing wrong, Stefan."_ he said sincerely but looked away feeling guilty.

"_We'll see about that. I don't want to make any conclusions from now. "_

"_When do you think of going to Chicago?"_ I've shared all my plans with him-about the fact that I need to go and talk to Dylan for the possible job after the graduation and that I might need to pay a visit to the graveyard. I didn't go into certain details but I guess he suspected there must be a reason why I'm so desperate to go on that exact date. He never asked though-if I wanted to tell him I would and he understood when it was hard to talk about those things so he never pushed me.

"_I'm not sure but probably next week. I have to go back to work and see if they are willing to even give me free days. I have the bad feeling that they might fire me. On the other hand Damon is too pissed off with me. I'm not sure if I'll make it at all."_

"_If not then, you'll manage to get there later."_ he tried to cheer me up, noticing how lost in my thoughts I got again.

"_It's not about that"_ I shook my head feeling defeated _"It's her birthday. I wish I could be there."_ it was his turn to put his hand on my shoulder

"_If you can't go then we'll figure something else, ok?"_ he said and as I gave him an appreciative smile. We started talking sports after that, as usually when he was trying to change the subject. We were just about to start another fight when I felt my phone buzzing. I guess we spend quite some time together as it was about to start getting dark. Me and Peter could talk all evening if we could and we wouldn't get bored-we just had a lot on our minds and needed getting it out because there wasn't really anyone else to share it with. It was Elena. I figured she has come by the house already so after a few cheerful comments Peter made I left him and his aunt who thanks god was too busy scolding him instead of explaining me something else. As I finally got outside I saw Elena waiting for me out of the car with her sweet short black leather jacket and skinny jeans. Her hair was down and she was nervously taking a few strips away from her face. I smiled and slowly approached her. She saw it was still hard for me to move and furrowed her eyebrows which to me didn't really seem scary at all. More like sweet.

We greeted each other and she even helped me get in the car which was a bit embarrassing for me. I was the man and I was supposed to open the door for her but because I was that fucked up a girl had to help me instead. That got me a bit down and she noticed it and as I felt her worried look on me I tried smiling just so I could relax her. We stood silent for a while mainly because I needed to suppress the pain I started feeling back inside me. Then again I was wondering where she was taking us as for now she was driving to a direction I couldn't really recall but when we passed by the Grill and the town church and she turned left I started remembering this place. We've only came once here with Peter. It was a big park in the north part of town. Not many people went there at this time of the day for which I was beyond glad. Still it was a very nice place. Me and Peter just didn't really..fit into it, that's why we avoided it, it seemed too..normal to us. And he couldn't just get his bottle up and drink because it was too obvious he was under eighteen. I'm glad she has chosen this place because I wouldn't be able to stand a crowded café or some other sort of a public place. Not now. I drove too much attention and people usually stared at me as if I was an animal, that or they looked away, feeling bad or pitying me.

The day had nothing to do with the previous ones which I spent at home. This time it was relatively warm, as far as it could be at this time of the year and part from the light wind there wasn't anything that could make you feel really cold.

"_You like it here?"_ she asked happily slowly walking next to me. I loved to see a smile on her face. It made me forget about all kinds of pain.

"_Yeah, it's nice. Do you?"_

"_My father used to take me and my brother here when we were little."_ now nostalgia was evident in her voice, as well as pain. I hated how fast things seemed to change, but then again that was all that was happening to me all my life. One minute I was happy, the next I was on the verge of dying. The same was for her- she had her parents one evening and then the next day they were gone. _"We used to compete on our bicycles and I always left Jeremy win because otherwise he would cry his ass out."_

"_Well you were definitely the perfect example of a bigger sibling. My brother used to trip me every chance he got only so he could win. "_

"_Really?"_ she asked curiously.

"_Yeah, but we were little then. It's understandable. Now it's different and sometimes I wish it wasn't."_ she noticed the bitterness in my voice. I stopped because I felt really tired and as I noticed a bench somewhere close to us I nodded towards it and we headed there.

"_What happened the other day? Did you work it out?"_

"_No…it actually went worse."_ I let out once we finally sat down. For a moment I closed my eyes but tried not to take too much time because I didn't want to ruin our time together.

"_Why so?" _she asked confused. I could swear she seemed convinced that it will all be fine.

"_Let's say he doesn't approve of my plans for the future."_

"_And they are?"_

I let out one of the cigarettes Peter gave me and lit it up.

"_I told him I'm going back to Chicago once I graduate."_

She seemed taken aback but she tried hiding it from me. I don't know how much she has actually given the thought that in a few months we both wouldn't even be here. She had a completely different life-she was to go to college and graduate, have a bright future, meet new people, fall in love again, go to parties, be young and wild. I myself wanted to just get the hell away from here and do something that gives me at least a little satisfaction. I was seeing myself still working in the factory for long hours, making even more bruises and scars on my hands and feeling tired from all of it, because that also made me feel better no matter how strange it seemed to other people.

"_Maybe he just needs time to accept it"_ she finally let out but didn't ask me anything. Why have I made such decision? Why wasn't I going to college? She didn't need explanation and I saw it in her eyes- she gets me but she's still questioning the whole situation. She was confused so I caught her hand and gripped it with all the strength I was left with.

**Elena's POV**

His confession hit me more than I expected but I tried to get myself together before him noticing. Up until now I didn't realize that whatever was going on between us was bound to fail within months, just like everything else in my life and that suddenly scared me.

"_Elena, it's ok. You can say it out loud"_ he started and caught my hand which was lying restlessly on the bench. But I remained silent, mainly because I was still hurt by reality again for the millionth time today and it made me uncomfortable, it left me stunned _"I am thinking it all too."_ he continued trying to calm me down _"That this moment doesn't matter? That whatever's going on between us is doomed? That in a few month this will all be a memory and as the years pass it will start getting more and more vague and hard for us to even remember where we were sitting. You would ask yourself to which park you took me and you'll take fifteen minutes only to remember another whole different place that we never even visit, but you'll be convinced it was the right one. And I'll ask myself if it was the time before I got into a fight or after it because to me it hurts all the same. We'll be left confused in a whole different universe and it's not sure we'll even keep in touch anymore. But you know what?"_ she turned to me this time, still a little startled _"It's fine, because we're here now." _I smiled _"That by its definition is enough of an infinity. Don't try remembering it after we part tonight, try remembering it now, enjoy it. The rest doesn't really matter."_

I smiled and finally let myself relax.

"_When did you get so smart?"_ I laughed and the air around us felt suddenly normal again. My fears have disappeared but it only made me realize how fast I lose the ground underneath me and how he was strong enough to pull me back.

"_I'm not smart. I just like..observing things."_ he added shyly once he let his tensed posture relax as well and leaned back on the side of the bench. He still seemed so pale to me, so tired that I wondered if that ever changes? I intervened my fingers with his and this time instead of him acting surprised he just smiled but not even dared look at me. He was somewhere else, enjoying all around us and at the same time appreciating being here. Or at least I could only guess he felt like that.

His hand however seemed to warm to me but I decided not to bring it up. Maybe he just needed time to get better. I tried suppressing the feeling that this was all my fault and now he could have spent his day at school, he could've worked, he could've been doing whatever else he liked doing and feel as normal as a person in his condition could.

"_So, you wanna tell me where you're applying to?"_ he asked after a while. This time talking about the future didn't make me feel uncomfortable. Somehow, now, when we were holding hands I felt better, safer as if nothing could really scare me anymore.

"_I really want to go to New York."_ I admitted _"But I've send my stuff to a few other colleges as well as Whitmore where my parents went."_

"_Ah, so your desires are to become a big town sweetheart?"_

"_Have you been there?"_

"_Oh yeah, a couple of times. Bonnie' s parents live there. They even went to see them a few weeks back, but I had to work so I stayed here."_ I could sense nostalgia in his voice but I couldn't really understand why. Maybe he was remembering something nice that happened back then while he was alone_. "How is everything going on with you?"_

"_Good I guess."_ I knew what he was asking me about. He wanted to know how was I coping with everything. _"I'm still writing."_ he smiled sincerely after I made this confession _"I actually finished a whole notebook already. Jenna an me…we talk now and somehow it seems a little better though I still catch myself getting angry at some things like before and I don't know where it all comes from. What's scaring me is that it might never go away."_ he tightened his grip again but I didn't look up at him because I felt embarrassed talking about those things. Talking about..how bad I was in reality. I couldn't see the girl he claimed I was when I looked myself in the mirror. I don't know how he sensed if there was something good and innocent inside me when I myself felt only bad and broken, angry and rude to people. _"Do you feel it?"_ I asked cautiously.

"_Sometimes I do."_ it took him a few minutes to say it out loud as if he was afraid that he felt it too, but his look seemed somehow fearless to me. Was he already used to that? Because I had no idea how I would deal with all those feelings inside me and kept myself a from falling apart. There were still moments I wish I could just throw stuff away do whatever it takes to just get the answer to one question-why was it all like that? Why did they have to die and I didn't? _"I just…keep repeating myself that I've seen enough already and I know the world is like this but sometimes it just bugs me how unfair everything is. People like Tyler Lockwood succeed in life, they beat up our asses and put us back into our places-they have it all and they don't appreciate it. They somehow sneak away from all the hard things and even have the impudence to feel good about it. That's how it works."_ he seemed so serious when he talked about that and it even made me wonder when did he started realizing it. _"You'll start coping with it, you'll see. You just need more time, even though it sounds cliché."_

I smiled thankfully at him and we shared another moment of silence in which I realized that we were talking about such deep feelings and emotions but I didn't really knew anything about him. I meant, the simple stuff in life so I turned abruptly at him and with a determined smile on my face I asked him

"_Stefan?"_

"_Yeah?"_ he seemed a little taken a back and even afraid as if I was going to do something to him. It was sweet and innocent in the same time- he was surprised how fast my behavior changed.

"_Do you realize that we practically discuss subjects like what's the point of living, the high school society and the stupidity of the world but we don't know the simple things about us?"_

He laughed sincerely and for a moment he looked like a little boy to me-he sounded so honest and naïve.

"_OK, ask what's on your mind first."_ he knew I was a girl and curiosity was my middle name. I guess he also considered the fact that my best friend is Caroline and she lived for understanding every detail of people's lives.

"_What's your favorite color for example?"_

"_Really? You wanna know that shit?"_ he asked playfully and I slapped him on the arm _"Good, good. Uhm.. I think that would be blue."_ he was now serious _"What about yours?"_

"_Green."_

"_I bet it used to be pink."_ he joked and I furrowed my eyebrows as if I was angry but I was just fooling around and he could see it.

"_When you know Caroline Forbes from the moment you can remember your name, then there is no way you can avoid pink."_ we laughed together and it took us some time to calm down. His hand was still in mine, I didn't even thought of letting him go_. "I noticed you had many books in your room. You like reading?"_

"_Oh yeah. Whenever I have free time, I read."_ he nodded happy that I've noticed _"But I know you do too, right? There were a bunch of novels on the kitchen table when I was fixing your porch and I bet they weren't your aunt's."_

"_True. My mother made me read from a young age and I grew to love it. She even encouraged me to write."_ I tried to suppress that memory because it would get me all sad again. _"What else do you like doing?"_

"_Well..as a whole I like my work and even at home I kind of..try to do some things for us to use."_

"_Yeah?"_ that sounded cool. _"Like what?"_

"_Like..I'm building beds for the kids right now."_ he seemed a little ashamed to admit it. As if he was doing something wrong.

"_Kids?"_ that got me confused _"I thought you had only one nephew?"_

"_Oh well..yeah I might have forgotten to mention that Damon and Bonnie are expecting another child. "_ he smiled widely, clearly happy that they were about to welcome another member in the family. I was glad he felt safe sharing such thing with me. After all we didn't knew each other for a long time. I congratulated him and he grinned even wider. _"So you're happy?"_

"_Very much. And that's why I want to make something for them before I leave." _

"_I would love to see it someday."_

"_When I'm done I promise I'll show you."_ he assured me.

We kept on talking for quite a while. I understood that he hated ice cream which was something I found hard to believe. I mean who doesn't like ice cream? That's like not eating pizza. But he was completely serious so I kept mocking him about it. He tend to ask me more stuff and again I couldn't get out of him all I wanted. He was eager to learn how do I see myself in the future and what do I want to do. He asked me about my brother and my parents and surprisingly that wasn't painful this time. Then we talked a little about why he wanted to go away and he was completely sincere when he answered me. He just said that moving here was something he shouldn't have done but accepted because he didn't want to oppose his brother. He did it more for Damon than for himself and now he just didn't feel comfortable. They were to become even a bigger family and there wouldn't even be a place for him in the house-he wanted to leave them be, to make his brother move on with his life so that he wouldn't have to worry all the time about him. Honestly I understood him but I wasn't sure how good it was for him too. I didn't want to imagine him all by himself in a big city, working his ass out as usually and no one there to wait for him when he gets home or to help him if he needs to.

His phone kept buzzing in the last fifteen minutes and eventually he picked up only to hear a long angry speech from Bonnie that he needs to get home right away before his brother comes back from work and kills them both. I found it quite sweet that she cared so much about him.

We stood up but as he started walking he almost tripped himself because his shoe laces weren't tied. I managed to catch him in the last minute even though he dropped one of his crutches. For a moment we were so close to each other I could catch his scent. My hands were on his shoulders and we almost touched our noses. I caught myself staring at him and my hand gently touched his bruised cheek. He let a small sigh out and I wondered if it still hurts him. With his free hand he put a few stripes from my hair behind my ear and leaned down to hug me. I embraced his strong arms as well and ran my fingers through the back of his hair. Feeling him so close to me made me nervous and satisfied at the same time and I asked myself how that could be.

"_Stefan"_ I parted myself from him making a sad realization _"You are too warm. We need to get you home."_ I started feeling guilty again. Maybe I should've made him go out right now. Maybe his brother was right not to let him go out by himself.

"_I'm fine"_ he let out but I could see he was tired. I bended down to tie his shoes which made him a little uncomfortable

"_Elena, you don't have to" _

"_Oh, get over yourself."_ I scolded him without even giving it a second thought. He seemed a little down that I was bossing him around but he had to live with it. I was right after all-he couldn't walk with his shoes barely keeping themselves on his feet. We got to the car and he dozed off while I was driving him home. When we finally arrived in front of the house I didn't had the guts to wake him up although I knew I would have to. I gently touched his shoulder and it took him a few minutes to realize what was going on but as he saw my face he smiled widely and thanked me for the amazing day. I didn't want to leave him. Somehow he seemed lonely to me. I realized it must be hard for him right now-feeling like he constantly needs help when his brother is so mad at him and he is unable to do anything right. Most of the time we talked only about me and even though today I learned a bunch of stuff about him I still felt like I was taking all the attention. Or maybe he still felt uncomfortable talking about whatever has happened before? I didn't knew but I kept wondering even when I went home. Then again I remembered his warm touch and it made me shiver from joy. What was going on with me? Why did he make me so confused every time he touched me? I've never before felt like that with a boy- I was constantly surprised. What he would do, how he would act? He was so gentle whenever we found ourselves close to each other. In his every action he was a complete gentleman-not invading my privacy without asking but at the same time making me feel secure and safe.

I wondered-what would happen if we both weren't so screwed up? Would we find the way to each other easier? Would we even find each other? Or he would just remain the boy that fixed our back porch and I would've forgotten that he even exists? I realized he was the only reason we started talking to each other-his selflessness. If he didn't have this urge inside him to help me I wouldn't have spend the afternoon with someone who was to become my friend. I was eager to know more about him, to find out why he didn't just surpassed me as everyone else were doing in that moment of my life. What he saw that it pushed him to even start talking to me? And did he have a reason at all or was he just like this- a good person? There was something so soft in his eyes, like he could break any other minute but he's not afraid even if it happens. As if he has accepted whatever fate has prepared for him. I wasn't sure how this should be called. Was it stupid courage or was he just naïve? Whatever it was I was afraid it might leave him only more hurt.

I was definitely a person who could cause him pain. I still felt so different things in myself and I was afraid of saying something wrong and making him think otherwise of me. But when we were together my initial worries went away. It was so different from everything else. I'm not sure I understood it completely. I questioned myself and the person he saw I was all the time when before I haven't even given it a thought. That scared me and challenged me at the same time, but mostly confused me-I've never before met a person who is willing to do something for me without expecting anything in return.

**Stefan's POV**

I came back to work four days after Elena and me went out. I was eager to finally start doing something because sitting at home got me crazy. A few times I worked a little in our backyard but Damon caught me and made me go inside. He still wasn't talking to me, except if I needed something to be done and couldn't actually succeed in it by myself. Bonnie has really thrown my own jacket away and now I had headed to the factory with my brother's one which caused people to laugh at me since I was going to a wood factory with a promoting jacket of the Thomas Fell automobiles. Bonnie promised that she'll look for another one but I knew we spent a lot of money on me lately and I didn't even dare ask her to do something like this. James needed new clothes since he was outgrowing his current ones and the other problem was that his teeth were growing and he was a pain in the ass those days since it hurt him very much. She woke up and went to the kitchen with him at least a few times a night and we were always there to talk to each other. She was avoiding the Chicago subject as if it was still too unbelievable for her to accept. I tried bringing it up a few times but she just said that we shouldn't go down there and she needs more time. Time for what? I asked myself- to accept it or to find another reason to stop me.

Peter's hand started healing and I even caught him trying to throw the ball a few times in his backyard but he was still in enormous pain and I stopped him-otherwise it would've become even worse. He wasn't patient enough and that could cause him more troubles that he already has. We went to school only yesterday and Tyler Lockwood was beyond proud of himself when he saw the actual damage he has done. Peter wanted to act as if we're ready to fight back but I made him stick to the initial plan-we needed to seem defeated, because that was the smart thing to do, or at least that's how I believed. Peter found it hard to stick with my logic but agreed that it was something we both had to live with, at least for now. Our prides were hurt and the constant hints we heard while walking through the hallways were making it hard. Elena and me kept talking over the phone in the days I was away but when we finally saw each other in school we kind of..avoided each other. I don't know if she was embarrassed by me in some way or if she just didn't want to draw Tyler's attention to both us and her. If he saw us together he would make conclusions to why we started this from the beginning and for me it was better off if he stayed in the dark when it came to this matter.

Honestly, this past week was hard for me, because I felt helpless and hopeless in every way and if her and Peter weren't there I don't know what I would've done. With Anna's birthday coming so close I felt even worse, because it brought memories that were both good and very painful. They made me unusually sad and I felt the weight I carried within myself grow. There was something there in my chest that just pressured me to the point where I almost forgot how to breath.

Daniel was beyond hard with me when he finally saw me and gave all the boys to deal with the biggest orders. I was the last one without anything given to do and he slowly approached me while holding a big list in his hands and thinking clearly what's the worst he can make me do to pay me back for all those days I was away.

Eventually he decided that me and Tim Waters need to unload the trucks for which of course I wasn't at all happy about. Everyone else got to do what they were supposed to but he just needed to give me the hard work that nobody wanted to do. I still couldn't get why he hates me so much but I just shrugged my shoulders and decided to deal with it. Before we went away I asked if I could change my shifts or get a free day on Sunday and Monday but he refused saying that I have lost most of the days I was supposed to have and practically made the assumption that if I try getting away he'll fire me. That brought me down because it meant I wouldn't be able to go to Chicago. I was so angry that while we were unloading I almost threw the wood out of the trucks as if I wanted to break it all. Daniel scolded me about three times for that but I just continued doing it until he was forced to get the other manager who punished me to work extra two hours. I was just so mad, simply out of my mind. I wanted to break and curse everything I could but I knew that I have to at least keep my mouth shut-without this job we were practically doomed and I couldn't afford losing it.

After finishing in eleven in the evening Peter was waiting for me outside the factory. I have called him in one of the breaks and told him I need to get drunk tonight or I wouldn't survive tomorrow. The good friend he always was he brought a bottle of scotch with himself and we went to the court in my neighborhood so we could lose ourselves into the unlimited oblivion and curse how stupid we were in the morning because our heads would hurt like hell. I didn't want to think or feel- I wanted to deny that tonight but I couldn't…I just couldn't. And I didn't know what to do, I felt so so lost.

Peter tried talking to me but all I did was remain silent and I guess I even scared him. He couldn't get completely drunk from one bottle so he kept persuading me that it will all be fine but I just didn't want to hear it-it wouldn't be ok. She is dead, buried so far away from me. I have left her alone. And I couldn't even go there for her birthday, I couldn't even leave her some flowers and tell her how much I loved her. Because I still did-love doesn't just disappear, it remains with you to remind you how much reality there is in the world, to bring you down and to lift you up, to wake you up in the middle of the night and make you think that you are miles away from here in bed with the girl you love, but in reality you are all alone, with your shabby t-shirt on, in a bed which is too small for you long legs, covered with a light blanket that doesn't warm you up and the only thing you hear is either the complete silence of a neighborhood filled with the slowly-breathing working class people or the sweet baby sounds of the kid next door. And then you realize love likes to trip you up-it plays with your mind and misguides you. When you think you're going in the right direction after months of wondering god knows where you realize this isn't at all a new road-it's just a lie as everything else in this life. We are a lie- me and Peter and everyone else actually. We won't be here forever- we'll turn into dust, the ball in his feet will crack at some point, the basket will fall after some great storm. Years from now this wouldn't even be a court-it might as well become a graveyard, a place for us all to be buried and then many years will pass after that and someone will be playing again, above us and our shabby old skeletons which would be a complete copy of our shabby old lives. Because I don't feel myself young- I don't want to scream and run and laugh like other people do. I feel tired and rarely happy, mostly when I'm with Peter or when I'm holding James. Before, when I was still with Anna I refused to believe that life can lose its meaning and wondered how it could even happen. It seemed so strange to me.

Now I only ask myself if there was any meaning in it in the first place.

**Elena's POV**

When I went to school on Friday and managed to get a glimpse of Stefan I got scared for him. He was walking in the corridors as if he didn't even realize where he was and if it wasn't for Peter to guide him through the hallways with his hand on Stefan's shoulder I'm not sure he would be able to walk and not hit something in front of him. I followed them out to the place they smoked and waited until everyone else got inside so nobody could see me. As I came closer I noticed them sitting on the stairs and looking as if they inhabited a whole other different place. I caught Peter talking something to Stefan, like trying to cheer him up but Stefan wouldn't even reply. The only thing I heard him say before I finally approached them was a plead for Peter to stop talking so loud because his head hurts.

"_Elena?"_ Peter noticed me first and Stefan turned abruptly. I finally saw how sad his eyes were, as if he wore some kind of unbearable pain inside him. _"To what do we owe the pleasure?"_

"_What's going on here, you both look like crap?"_

"_That's because Stefan and I here got wasted last night. Isn't that right buddy?"_ Stefan didn't respond in any way and Peter just looked at me shaking his head sadly while his friend wasn't looking. Then he stood up and as he surpassed me almost whispered

"_Talk to him, please."_ now the happy glimpse in his eyes has disappeared and the only thing I could read there was despair. He felt helpless. So did I because I honestly had no idea what this was all about. I doubted Peter had any either. _"He's not listening to me this time." _

He left me alone with Stefan and I waited until he was far enough to take a few steps and sit next to him. His head was down and he was hiding his face with the Atlanta Hawks cap. At first I was a little scared since I didn't know what to do or say exactly. I remembered all the times he was there for me but this time I couldn't think of anything sensible to either ask or just..tell him. It was as if all my words disappeared and I became dumb.

I leaned next to him and searched for his eyes but I couldn't see him so I gently removed the hat from his head. Then I caught his hand- it was so cold and he felt so distant. He wasn't moving at all and still not looking up.

"_Stefan?"_

"_I can't."_ he finally let out _"I can't."_ at least he was saying something now and encouraged that I was making progress I moved even closer and put my other hand on the back of his neck, slowly touching the end of his hair.

"_You don't wanna talk? I get it. I didn't want to either, remember? Do you know what a boy once advised me to do?"_ he shook his head, still appearing to be so hopeless, but at least he was listening to my words and not losing himself in his thoughts again. _"To write it out."_ I smiled even though he wasn't looking at me and gently caressed his back._"Stefan, you can't keep all those stuff in yourself." _he finally lift his head up and faced me-his eyes were teary, but he was trying very hard to get himself together. _"We'll make a deal-you write it all in a notebook and you give it to me and I'll read it. And if you want us to talk about it we will and if not…we could just stay together in silence and not let a single word out, yeah?"_ he was still silent but now his eyes didn't seem so distant to me _"You ok with that?"_

"_Yeah."_ he added with his hoarse voice then looked away and nodded as if he was persuading himself _"Yeah, I'm good."_

"_Great."_ I jammed his hat back on his head and let a small laugh out. He smiled lightly too and started poking me just to get it back. Somehow we ended up in each other's arms again and we remained hugged. His embrace was so big and strong that it made me feel safe, as if he was protecting me from someone even though we were standing in an empty backyard in the middle of our stupid high school. Yet I felt myself distant from this place and as I looked around it was as if I was seeing it for the first time in my life. Because with Stefan everything was always so different, so new, so much more innocent.

We remained like that together until the next bell when he stood up slowly, kissed me on the cheek and I tightened my grip one last time before he let go of me-just trying to give him the strength he needed.


	11. Chapter 11

**So, it took me a while to write this chapter since it's kind of an important one. Here you have the whole story before Stefan came down to Mystic Falls written in his own way. **

**I hope you get to enjoy it and of course it would mean a lot if you decide to share your opinion on it. Have a nice time reading. ((:**

**Elena's POV**

Stefan gave me his black notebook on Wednesday next week. He still looked sad and pale but better than when I last saw him. He said he has no desire of talking about it after I read it and that he's apologizing for the way he wrote it. The words weren't coming easily to him when this matter was concerned. He didn't add anything, only held my hand tight, desperately, as if he was trying to say "Please understand me, it's hard for me". And I did. I knew he needed his time right now so I kissed him on the cheek after everyone else have already gone back to class and let him go. I watched his bended figure slowly disappear around the corner.

I couldn't wait until my last class was over and rushed back home. Jenna was a little surprised to see me in such a hurry and thought something was wrong but I cut her off, maybe a little to rudely and got up in my room, closed the door and jumped in bed with the notebook in my hands. It took me a few minutes before I opened it. I realized I was eager to read it but this wasn't a TV show-this was someone's life. A real person's experience that left him broken and full of scars just like I was. There was nothing to get excited about-it was only sadly serious. It was his reality.

I sighed and opened it, slowly, as if I was afraid I was opening a door without asking.

_Dear diary,_

_I recently met a girl, who, in her desire to help me, advised me to write out whatever was going on inside me and because I do respect her as a person very much I'm gonna try and do that even though I'm not sure what would turn out of it. Talking or even writing about what happened to me is very hard and if you could see my room now you would notice that it's full of ripped out pages from this notebook and that would give you a pretty good idea of how I feel inside-my life is a mess, with thoughts thrown around in every corner of my simple and unsatisfying existence. Anyway, because of her, as I have already said, I'll try, so forgive me if there are some words which don't fit or if something doesn't make sense. I'm giving my best._

_I should probably start by saying that my life got its meaning by discovering what love is and later got ruined by the exact same thing. I feel lucky and proud that I got to fall in love. That is one of the best things that could happen to us ever in life and I'm grateful I got to experience it at such a young age. I still have hope that it could maybe happen again._

_I don't know how to describe the process of falling in love, though. When I go back and think about it I consider it to be an overnight thing. Something that doesn't require much thought. Other times I see it as the long process of letting this special feeling into your whole human being. Whatever it is, I only know it's complicated._

_Anyway, I better start getting to the point before I bore you to death. My story isn't something extraordinary if I have to be completely honest. It's quite cliché actually. I met her at my best friend's Dylan birthday party. I was a very lonesome person and I didn't really like talking to other people. If I haven't known Dylan from the moment I could walk, I probably wouldn't have any friends at all. I liked being by myself, that has never bothered me. After my mother's death I have become even quieter and lost in thoughts. In other words: I wasn't a boy who girls would notice. Yeah, I have recently started playing for the high school basketball team, but I knew girls preferred the hot football quarterbacks. I was a simple poor not at all good looking guy so you can understand my amusement when she started talking to me. I was suddenly drown to her beauty-she looked simple, yet amazing. I don't recall very good what we started discussing, because I kept staring at her in the next hour or so and I only learned her name after we've decided to go out to the front porch since it was too noisy inside. I still can't figure out what happened to me back then. I only know it was fast and it hit me as a hurricane. When I got back home I couldn't say a word, which got even my brother suspicious._

_Her name was Anna Williams. She was living a few blocks away from me, in the same bad neighborhood filled with angry and sick from life poor middle-class working people. I don't know why I haven't noticed her before, but then again, we didn't have any classes together and the only thing I was doing was play basketball for four-five hours after school and get home right after that. She said she spends most of her time in the library and read a lot since her dream was to become a doctor. There wasn't any chance we could've met each other before._

_Anyway, after our nice talk that evening I couldn't help myself-I just wanted to see her and talk to her again. Dylan said I'm really a love-struck fool and something needed to be done about it. So he practically dragged me to the library a few days later, found out where she was sitting and pushed me over there. I was so shy that I turned red as soon as I saw her. At first she didn't notice me, but after forty minutes of me staring intensely she finally lift her look up. As she recognized me a big smile appeared on her face. If it was any possible I turned even more red and stuttered as I said her "Hi" . We talked a lot again and even got together on the bus back home._

_That continued repeating for more than two weeks. I was perfectly ok with taking things slowly-she was the first girl I had real feelings for and I had no intentions of screwing it all up. She was very kind, extremely honest, bright and caring. I loved all of her character traits. I loved the person she was. Her beauty on the inside was incomparable. What I most appreciated in her was her compassion. She thought me to be like that too and I'm glad I kept this in myself, because it meant a part of her is still living somewhere inside me. She's not forgotten, nor completely gone, even though she left this earth more than an year ago._

_Eventually I found the guts to ask her out. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I remember waking up that morning all sweated up and worried. I probably combed my hair at least a dozen times and put my best shirt on. I wasn't used to feeling like that. I was usually very calm and kept my emotions to myself. She laughed a lot at my question and that got me even more concerned, but after that she hugged me and said yes. She added I looked so funny it was hard to resist herself. So, we went out on our first date and from there on everything between us only grew stronger._

_I fell completely in love. What's there more to add? I was happy, I was satisfied. For the first time in forever grief didn't fill my whole existence. I started finding sense in life again. Moreover-I enjoyed it all._

_I still believe it was the best part of my pathetic existence._

_But happiness doesn't last forever. Life changes all the time and takes it all away. God, how much I wish we could stay like this forever. But I'm smart enough to know now that such thing doesn't exist._

_Our lives got complicated. I had to start working because my brother couldn't keep supporting both of us. He was engaged and soon to be married, plus bills needed to be paid. I had this natural talent of carving things from wood and constructing stuff so Damon took me to a factory a little outside town where he had connections and got me the job. I started working every day after school and I had less time to see her. That didn't really matter because she got a job in a small diner in our neighborhood a few weeks after me. Her father has left them when she was very little and her mother has recently got sick so she had no other choice. I helped her whenever I could and in my free days I would go to the diner and work for her so she could study._

_I realize now that this was the time we started really growing up. We took great responsibilities, for us, for our families. Other people relied on us, we couldn't be the little love-struck kids anymore. We carried a big weight upon our shoulders and we became part of the working-class society we were up until now observing with a hope for change and denial that we will be getting home at midnight tired as hell, unable to even more freely because our back would hurt._

_It was a hard time for both of us and we desperately needed each other. The lack to time made our love even stronger, though. Every other minute we could spend was a precious gift. Each kiss had its special meaning, every night I slept next to her was as if a dream of mine has come true. We learned to appreciate the little things in life and that was enough for us._

_But I've learned that in life whenever you seemed to have found ground under your feet, things change again, and turn you upside down._

_Anna had a brother-Mark. He was the opposite of her-irresponsible, careless and harsh on people. Anna has done everything in her power to keep him out of troubles but a little after we started our junior year he started disappearing. He dropped out of school and continued coming home late or even not getting there at all for days, if not weeks. He was hanging out with some bad people, which resulted in him hitting rock bottom. Anna was very worried since in her family things were at the worst-her mother was getting sick every now and then and she had to maintain some kind of balance in her own life. Because she was going through hell I couldn't just leave things like that so I started trying to find ways and help her. Dylan and me- we would look everywhere for Mark. We even got ourselves in some bad situations while doing so, but in the end we found out he was selling drugs for one of the local "gangs" and has even started taking some._

_When I told Anna she refused to believe me. We got into a very big fight and almost split up. After a week of not talking to each other she came to my backdoor crying, saying that Mark got home, obviously while not in his right mind, took all her money and disappeared when she tried to help him. They almost got into a fight. She was so sad that evening that it broke my heart. I took her to my room, made her tea, kissed her on the forehead and hugged her until she cried her soul out. I couldn't bear watching her like that so I made her a promise-I told her I'll find him and help him no matter what. Our lives were a whole. If she was hurting so was I. I had to do all I could. I made a promise not only to her that night, but also to myself-that I'll act strong when she was weak._

_It took me more time than I expected though. Months passed away before we could even get a clue where he was. Dylan only managed to understand that Mark was out of town-where exactly we couldn't pinpoint. Anna kept losing herself very much and I tried with all my powers to help her. She used to say I was the only thing that prevented her from going insane, but I refused to accept that simply because she was a very strong person and even though she was going through an awful moment she never forgot to love me. She was giving me all her soul and I accepted it with a guilty heart, because I felt selfish._

_Anyway, a little before we were to start our senior year Mark got back in town. It took me a week to track him down. I still remember that day-it was the last time I saw her. I got to their house early in the morning because we haven't seen each other the previous night since I was working late. I got to their backdoor, kissed her with all my heart, as if I knew it would be the last time. We talked a little and I explained her that I might find him today and if I really do I'll call her. She wanted to come with me and Dylan but I thought it wouldn't be safe for a girl to go out in all those dangerous places. She agreed._

_If I have taken her with us she might as well still be alive._

_We found Mark in one of the empty warehouses at the edge of town. He was inadequate, but violent. He has always hated me so he tried to hurt both me and Dylan but we managed to put him down and calm him a little bit, though I knew that the only person who could persuade him that he needs help was Anna._

_I called her as promised. _

_And that was the biggest mistake I've ever done in my life._

_She was so excited that she was going to see him so she left work and almost ran to get to the bus stop since we have taken her car, because Dylan's one was broken and Damon used ours to get to work. She was in such a rush she practically wasn't watching where she was going._

_I guess she finally felt both happy and relieved-she was about to be reunited with her brother. Things were going to get better. It would all be fine._

_But it wasn't._

_She got hit by a car a few streets away from the bus stop._

_As we continued waiting and she didn't show up I started getting worried so Dylan decided we should take Mark and go. On our way to the diner I kept calling her and she didn't respond. I had this pit in my stomach the whole day and it drove me insane. A little before we were about to arrive to her workplace I got a call from her mother and she told us what happened._

_Before we could get to the hospital Anna was dead._

_I don't know how to describe what happened after I heard the doctor's words. I got practically insane and almost unconscious. Dylan tried keeping me up but I my legs shook so hard he had to put me down in a chair. _

_I refused to believe she was gone and kept repeating " It's not true, it's not true". I must have said it at least a dozen times._

_By that time Mark was already back on earth. As he let the information sink in he caught my collar and pressed me to the wall while repeating that this was all my fault and he'll kill me even if it's the last thing he has to do on earth._

_I didn't really oppose him. I would lie if I say I didn't want to die right there, right then. I wished to escape it all, to run._

_I lost all interest in living within a few minutes._

_I was dead myself and the only thing left from me was a body with a beating heart._

_I still wonder what death is? How do you just stop breathing? How do you leave this world without saying goodbye?_

_If death is so sudden why live at all? It doesn't have a meaning, it doesn't make sense._

_Nothing has a purpose, nothing lasts._

_The week after her death I spend locked in my room. I wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat-nothing. My brother barely got me ready for the funeral. It was all a blur back then-I can't really recall everything. I know he found me drunk the morning after we've buried her. I wasn't myself. I couldn't even stand up. I've lost all strength, hadn't eaten in days, I would only smoke or drink scotch. Damon couldn't keep looking me like that. He tried talking but I wouldn't even listen to him. The only thing I could think of was her and ask myself "Where is she?" , "Why isn't she coming?", "Why wasn't she calling?"_

_Another week passed like that and Damon tried convincing me I should start doing something and get myself together. We got into another fight and I went out angry and tired of it all. I wanted to die. Why wasn't I? Why couldn't I be with her? What kept me alive?_

_I guess my wish was almost to become true._

_Mark kept his word-he wanted to kill me. So he found the right people to do it. I really wasn't supposed to survive this beating. _

_They left me barely breathing at the sidewalk a few blocks away from our house-stabbed in the stomach, with almost every bone of my body broken and with the blood from my head coloring the ground._

_I remember seeing her in that moment before I lost conscious- she was right in front of me with the white knee-long dress she wore to my brother's wedding._

_They found me smiling at the nothingness, barely alive._

_I woke up a week later._

_As soon as my brother saw me conscious he took me in his hands and gently caressed my back. I haven't seen tears in his eyes since we were little. He was so scared that I was going to die. The doctors told him the chance to wake up was very little and even if I do come back to this world I'll be crippled for life-which is what happened._

_I spent almost two months in the hospital and that nearly broke us. By that time Bonnie was soon to give birth and my brother has turned all the attention to me instead of her. I couldn't eat or walk or do anything by myself. On top of that he had to go to work. I still can't figure out how he managed to do it all back then. I would never be able to repay him for what he did to me. It is beyond everything that a brother should do for a brother._

_He has seen me at my worst, when I was beyond helpless. And he was scared to death that I was still so lost, so away from everything that was happening around me. Once I got home I wouldn't want to stand up, to do anything. Bonnie barely made me eat and I slept most of the time. Damon figured out what has happened with the help of Dylan and wanted me to talk to the police and explain who did it, but I refused. I didn't want to do it. First because I believed I deserved it and second because I couldn't recall how all of them looked. I only know Mark was there too, but I wasn't about to turn him in-he was her brother. I would never do something like this to her, even if she's no longer on earth._

_At some point a few weeks after James was born I started dealing with the fact that Anna would never come back to me. I began realizing and accepting death and let all the grief into my heart. I needed to start dealing with this not for me, but for my brother. He was driven to an edge and looked very bad so I had to at least pretend I'm getting better. Because of him I began wanting to get up. Him and Dylan would support me while I try to take my first steps around the room, then the whole house. Slowly I started dealing with all the pain no matter how strong it was and I developed a high threshold for it because I didn't want my brother to see me bad and suffering all the time. He practically left his wife alone in her most important moments and I owed him big time and that is why I decided to put someone above myself because up until now I was acting very selfishly._

_Once I was able to move by myself I started going out. I would wonder all day and visit the places Anna and me went to. At first it was very hard to make myself go the her grave, because it proved me that she is no longer here. I wanted to both get there and I was afraid. Afraid to accept it, to see it, to completely embrace the fact she could never hold my hand or kiss my lips or press her little body next to mine in the cold autumn nights again. _

_But one day I took the bus and went to the graveyard all by myself. I felt very dizzy that afternoon so I moved slowly, barely keeping myself straight with the crutches. I bought her flowers-white roses, her favorites. It took me a while to find the right gravestone. I guess I was so lost at the funeral that I didn't even remember exactly where we were standing._

_As I touched the words on the stone I cried. _

_It was the second time after her death that I was doing it. I kept caressing the stone as if I was holding her hand and repeated that I loved her with all my heart and that I'm sorry. Not that it really mattered-she was gone. I couldn't fix that with any words or actions. _

_I kept going there almost every day and that made my brother worry. Even though I was doing better and seemed to smile when I was holding James he could sense the sadness killing me slowly from the inside and that scared him. Which is why he came up with the idea we should move to our father's hometown. First both me and Bonnie were against it. I even found myself work and started helping them and trying to pay them back for all the money they've spent in the past months. We almost got back to normal even though on the inside I still felt lost and empty. _

_Damon kept insisting until we finally all accepted that he wouldn't just change his mind and that maybe it was for the better. So here I am now. You know the rest, I'm sure._

_With time it got both better and worse. The weight inside me grew and the guilt never left me. It was hard for me to figure out ways to survive every day, to find something to hold on to, something that will keep me above the water. _

_I still can't find answers to the questions that keep bugging me. I doubt I ever will and I it's hard to just accept things as other people tell me to do. I wake up in the middle of the night all sweated up, afraid and lost, after a nightmare where I see her dead, lying on the hospital bed-cold and pale. _

_Last Sunday she had birthday. I couldn't go up there and leave her flowers and and tell her how much I miss her because I had to work. I haven't felt so lost in a long time. Something inside me just broke again and left me more sad than usually. It left me helpless. It made me realize I don't mean a thing in this world, that I am nothing. I can't make changes, I can't really help people, I can't do anything for anyone because I'm small and insignificant and the world has bigger plans for all of us. It has many storms that wants to send our way, it has many waves that would want to turn us upside down and I don't know how much more I can withstand cause even now I'm barely keeping myself up. _

_I figured I needed more time with her. I wanted to just hold her once again and never let her go. In the months after her death I was desperately trying to define infinity. To understand what the time we spent together meant and most importantly to answer the question if it was enough or not. _

_I was afraid I will forget her. That I'll start making up things that were never like this. I found myself wondering how she used to smell or how long exactly her hair was or the way she was dressed that last morning and I was terrified that I can't say. That scared me to death and left me so empty. In some moments I lose myself so much I stop thinking or feeling or..doing anything at all._

_I guess that sums up most of it. Forgive me for it came out longer than expected. I'm sure there are parts that I skipped or moments that maybe seemed unnecessary to you. I tried to let it all out and express myself exactly like I am feeling lately. _

_I hope I get to write soon again._

_-The lost person that's been so badly putting his confused thoughts on your beautiful white sheets._

I realized that I was crying once I finished the last line and closed the notebook.

How could that even happen to someone? How could this be reality? Is life that cruel? How could he even survive that kind of thing? How was he able to keep going?

Oh God, where was he now? I had to find him, I had to talk to him. Why would he say he doesn't need to discuss it? Is he out of his mind-that kind of thing can kill you slowly and painfully if you only keep it in yourself. He did so much for me and all this time I knew there was something big behind this sad gaze and those barely smiling lips but I never could have imagined it was that big. First he lost his parents, then he lost the only girl he ever loved and after that he almost died and he even wished it has become true because it was that worse he couldn't keep living.

I didn't realize that it was almost dinner time and Jenna yelled at me while I slammed the front door behind her. I couldn't deal with her right now, there was something more important to be done.

I had to find him.

First I tried calling him but his phone was off . I guess he must be still at work so I went up there. By the time I parked the car in front of the factory the workers have started getting out. It was obviously the end of the shift so I hugged myself in my sweater- in the rush to come here and see him I have forgotten my jacket. I was sure he would be the last one to leave, he always was. It took him more time to get ready and even the thought of it made something inside me cringe.

It was snowing since yesterday. For the first time this year actually and it was beautiful. I liked winter no matter how cold it got sometimes so I paid attention to the slowly falling snowflakes while people surpassed me and rushed to get home to their families, to their kids, to their comfortable warm houses where they would be able to put down their clothes, wash their hands and eat dinner after a long day at this god's forsaken place. And me? I was waiting for the poor bended by the life limping boy who would come and patiently embrace my small figure and as usually would try to give me strength-to me. A person he knew for less than two months. He was up to giving his soul out for people who have just come into his life and he considered it to be the best he could do. The only thing he could do actually.

And so he came as I predicted and smiled at me as if I was the only thing he could see in front of himself. He tried looking good so I wouldn't worry or throw him a sad glance but I knew that inside he was at a breaking point no matter what mask he was trying to put. I knew the truth so I came closer and just looked at him, without saying a word. He understood me as well and let his smile fade away. He leaned a little and cupped my face, while kissing me gently on the forehead.

"_You read it?"_ his voice barely audible as if he wished he has never given me this notebook and it made me wonder if I looked weak right now. He should see me supportive, not desperate. I was supposed to be there for him but I felt the tears streaming down my face as I was slowly nodding my head with his warm hands still on my cheeks.

Why was it all so unfair. Why did he had to go through this? Why was everything around us so oblivious?

"_Stefan..I"_

"_Don't."_ he just let out and hugged me. I held him tight as if I was afraid that if I let him go I might lose him. We stayed like this for a while, just hugged into each other and I realized I have started trembling. He let me go and put his jacket down only to tug me with it.

"_You're freezing. You have to go home."_ he said, still very calmly, patiently, as if he hasn't just told me half his life.

"_No"_ I caught his hands and made him look at me. _"I don't want to leave you."_ he tightened his grip as well.

"_I'm not as fragile as you think. After all I'm here now, right?"_

"_You should have told me earlier."_

"_How does one say things like that, Elena?"_ he let out with his eyes closed as if he was afraid to look at my confused expression

"_I don't want to say I'm sorry, Stefan. Because I've heard that a hundred times in the last few months and I know it means nothing, that it doesn't change anything, that it's just words we shout out into the nothingness and let them disappear fast, because they make this pit in our stomach. They make us think that we can feel regret and sympathy towards others but the truth is we just need to say them out loud so we can make this bad thing inside us go away and never let it back in. I don't want to say those words"_ I sigh and I realize he's looking at me and there are tears in his eyes which he's desperately trying to keep from falling _"But then again I can't figure out what else to say?" _I let out desperately _"I'm still trying to accept the fact that this is your reality…I can't believe something like this can happen to another person and I ask myself why, you know? Why do we get to suffer like this? It's just like you wrote it-nothing lasts. And I wish it wasn't like that. I wish we could be something important. Something good and kind and at least a little bit more lasting?"_

"_Elena.."_ he shook his head.

"_I want to help you! Do you understand me? I want to do something for you."_ I let out desperately and I realize I actually see my breath-that's how cold it is. I move my hands up to his face and cup it like he did with me just a few minutes ago. _"I want and yet I don't see how." _I admit honestly.

"_Can't you get that you are helping me already?"_ he asks and before I know it he has lift me up and I instinctively embrace his back with my legs a little afraid that he is still unstable and I might hurt him. But he makes me forget that when he leans down and our noses touch gently, then he closes his eyes and I follow him because we're desperately trying not to face reality, we don't want it and so we push it with all the strength we are left inside and then our lips collide and it's nothing like the first time when it happened even though we were standing in this exact same place in this forgotten from the whole universe place where souls lost themselves in the everyday routine in which he silently took part too. I felt him eager, I felt him desperate to taste my lips. He was hungry for nothing else but love and he desperately wanted to feel something good inside him. But I couldn't blame him because that was the exact same thing I wanted too and no matter how much it scared me the lack of it in my life lately pushed me to admit how much I needed him with this kiss. When we parted we kept looking at each other, both surprised by it all for a minute until he almost lost his balance and we were about to fall but I was fast enough to literally come back to earth and stabilize him by holding his arms. _"I'm sorry" _he said and I realized he was blushing . _"I know we're taking things slow but I don't know what pushed me to-"_

"_Shh"_ I put my index finger on his lips-It's fine, Stefan.-he smiled and looked away, clearly still feeling embarrassed. He was so sweet that I hardly prevented myself from laughing but I decided it would be too rude towards him. We intervened our fingers and slowly headed to the car but as we approached it he stopped abruptly.

"_Let's walk for a while"_ he said and nodded right where the street lead to one of the small quarters in this part of town. I followed him a little bit worried that maybe he should get home since he looked tired but I selfishly followed that feeling inside me that just urged me to spent as much time as I could with him. As if I was afraid something might happen either to me or him and things can turn upside down. I had proof in my life that this is possible and so did he. So we held tightly to each other as if we were passing to a rough sea with its waves somewhere above us, impatiently trying to drown us back into reality when in fact we were slowly going down this street and embraced the silence of the cold winter evening. I looked at him and saw a the light smile on his face still present which made me grin too. I felt as if I was a kid, walking hand in hand with my best friend and it was like we both knew where we were going but were also aware that there might be something to drift us away from the path. I didn't feel scared right now though. The warmth of his hand gave me security as if there was a fire burning up between us. A fire of hope_."Are you cold?"_ he asked concerned after we made a big turn and found ourselves in a noisier street.

"_No, but you might get sick like that."_ he was wearing just a light green sweater which seemed too clean to me. I was used to seeing him in saw-dust after he leaves the factory, but I guess now he has taken a shower and dressed himself in clean clothes. He smiled and simply shook his head. We made another turn and we stopped in front something that looked like a diner. _"Let's buy you something warm, huh?"_ he asked and he opened the door for me. The place was relatively full of workers either from the wood factory or other workplaces because they all wore some kind of work clothes with the names of their companies on the backs or the sleeves or the hats. As soon as we entered the place the man behind the bar smiled and Stefan greeted him from which I drew the conclusion that he must come often here. They exchanged a few polite lines and he ordered me a hot chocolate without even asking if that was what I would want. It really was, but I kept wondering how he guessed. As he was about to pay and searched for his wallet the man stopped him and said it's on the house. Stefan didn't really like that and tried to protest but the guy kept insisting and in the end we gave up and we headed to one of the tables in the corner. On our way there he greeted a few people and even one of the waitresses which made me a bit jealous. As we finally set down I didn't took off his jacket because I still felt cold, he noticed it, put his arm around me and drew me to himself.

"_How did you know that was what I wanted?"_ I asked with my eyebrows furrowed and he laughed wholeheartedly.

"_I just guessed and I'm glad I was right."_ he leaned and kissed my forehead as if he was trying to say "Don't get mad at me now, you can't know all my secrets" and I smiled too because I really found it nice that someone was brave enough to take a guess at what might be suitable for my preferences. We stood hugged in each other for a while and even though there was so much noise around us the only thing I was able to hear was the steady beating of his heart and that somehow calmed me down. I wasn't so nervous anymore, I felt relaxed in his embrace.

"_So do you plan on going to Chicago soon?"_ I asked and watched him open his eyes, but avoiding to look at me. He took a sip of his coffee and a few minutes passed before he finally nodded his head and added

"_Yes, probably next week if I manage to change my shifts somehow. My supervisor is being a pain in the ass."_

"_What about Damon? Will you tell him?"_

"_No, Peter will help me cover up. I don't want him to know, he might as well stop me."_

"_Are you sure you'll be fine by yourself up there?"_ I ask, trying desperately to hide the concern in my voice, he however senses it and rubs gently my arm in order to calm me down. I realize I have tensed again.

"_Don't worry, Dylan will be with me."_ he hugged me even tighter and I snuggled in his embrace _"We have some work to do together anyway."_

"_Good. Still promise that you'll call me at least once while you're there?"_ I lift my look up sounding serious while he smiled and whispered that he promises.

We stayed there for another hour or so until I caught myself feeling sleepy. He noticed it too so we left and he send me back to the car. I wanted to take him home, but he refused, saying there was something he needed to take care of before that. He opened the door for me, being the gentlemen he always was, kissed me on the cheek and even though I craved for his lips I released him unwillingly and watched him disappeared on the opposite side of the street while I turned the engine on.


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you all for the great reviews. I hope you get to enjoy this one as well. Let me know what you think. ((:**

**Stefan's POV**

Peter and me spent the past two hours in the school gym with me almost constantly yelling at him that he should either do something this way or the other while he was beyond tired and pissed off already since his hand hurt very much. He was so stubborn it made me go wild. I've been pleading him for us to stop for the last forty minutes but he was relentless and I myself didn't want to admit that I was feeling beaten to death by this point.

"_You can't keep doing that!"_ I let out as calmly as I can _"You're not going to score if you're not even paying attention to where the fucking net is, Peter."_

"_Well, what do you want me to do?"_

"_Just look above your nose for once!"_

That was typical us. We would always scream at each other like that but we were never really angry to one another. Usually, when we finished, we just laughed our asses out and he would mock me for getting so stressed up over nothing. Though, I didn't consider it to be all in vain-I was trying to help him feel good about himself, to make him appreciate his efforts. I could see him clenching his jaw every time he stretched his arm a little more in attempt to score and that made me feel worse. If I haven't included him in this revenge plan now the team could've won the last two games and not lost them. Plus there were supposed to be scouts on the next one and that made the pressure even heavier for him. I could see he was on edge and was trying to calm him down in the best way possible-while yelling at him.

With Peter if you wanted him to really succeed in anything you had to make him stop the alcohol for at least a few days, which of course always made him pouty and extremely irritable, and tell him how things are going to go down. Of course I was more harsh on him when I was watching him play because otherwise he wouldn't even pay attention to my remarks. I honestly hated being that person because I knew how much his father always yelled at him and reminded him what a great disappointment he was, so when acting like that, I felt no better than him and I resented myself for it.

Now, however, wasn't the time to play soft, because I was leaving for Chicago tomorrow and we had no time. I couldn't be here for the game and I saw how hard he was trying to cover his worry from that fact. I knew he got why I needed to do that, but still he was uncomfortable and that explained the amount of yelling.

I made him take a break and show him a few stuff while trying to stay in one place and not really move since I myself, just like him, was in pain these days.

Daniel was a total pain in the ass and he would still make me do the hardest work. I couldn't understand why he was doing it or what were the real reasons he hated me or if he just enjoyed being mean to people, but I was swallowing my pride and dealing with it, cause I didn't have another choice. I was on edge-I thought going back to Chicago for a few days would be good but in reality it made me nervous, because I haven't been there in a while and going to the graveyard would just probably be the most masochistic decisions I've made in a while.

We were wrapped up in conversation again, but we both turned abruptly once we heard the gym door close. I was beyond surprised to see Elena embarrassingly standing a few meters away from us while putting one of her locks behind her ear. Peter immediately threw me a knowing glance, but I tried to ignore him and smiled at her only to make her feel more comfortable.

"_Hey"_ I started trying to sound cheerfully though my voice was hoarse from all the shouting _"What are you doing here?"_

For a moment I got a little worried that she could've figured out that it was us again that practically ruined Tyler Lockwood's car a few nights ago. The look on his face when he saw it was priceless, I don't think Peter and me have enjoyed something so much lately. Our revenge plan was in motion and we were being wise and slow as we should be. Nothing was supposed to go wrong now since we were trying to play defeated and innocent and we were doing a pretty good job at it. I doubt Tyler himself would figure it out but Elena, well she was another thing. She was smart and observing and if she wanted to see all the clues pointing to us she could and that would probably lead to one of the greatest disappointments she's had lately.

But some things just needed to be done, because me and Peter we had our prides and we couldn't just easily swallow them, not when it comes to that. I realized it was bad and that maybe this wasn't the way to do it all and yet I felt I should, even though it's not mature, it's not wise. I was desperately trying to prove to the world that it can't be all like that and bad things shouldn't happen only to good people. I wanted justice for all that has happened to me, I wanted things to be fair at least once so to me this whole plan of ours made sense. And honestly, I don't think it was such a bad thing. Tyler's dad would buy him a new car, he'll find a new girlfriend, he'll buy himself the spot back on the team. This was temporarily but it brought us the satisfaction of being even with someone else. We were in pain, so should be he.

Anyway, Elena smiled and approached us, which showed me that she probably is still in the dark when it comes to the Tyler matter.

"_I wanted to see you before you left and Bonnie told me you'll probably be here." _she crossed her arms as if she didn't know what to do with her hands because she obviously felt a bit shy to hug me in front of Peter, but I wasn't. I came even closer and I could already smell her perfume, which somehow reminded me of an apple garden I once work at.

She smelled of spring, of a new beginning, it was just so refreshing. I couldn't resist myself and kissed her on the cheek, which made her blush a little bit. For a minute or so I just stared at her beautiful brown doe eyes, appreciating how sweet and innocent she seemed in the dim light of the gym. It made her look calm, relaxed.

"_Oook, I'm definitely not staying for this"_ Peter reminded us of his presence and I turned around with an apologetic smile. _"It's late anyway. You sure you don't want a ride, Stefan?"_

"_I'll take him home"_ Elena intervened a little too fast which caused my friend to throw me a knowing look_. "I'm sure you will"_ he added and grinned again. I felt as if I was leaving him behind before his big game so I caught him on the shoulder when he was about to surpass us.

"_Remember-act smart tomorrow."_ I started with a serious voice _"Don't rush on things and look where- "_

"_I am aiming at. I got it , coach!"_ he interrupted me as if he was trying to get away too fast_ "I'll hear from you tomorrow, yeah?"_ he added with a serious voice.

"_Yeah, I'll call you."_ I assured him and watched him disappear behind the big red door. The ball was still somewhere in my feet and before I knew it, Elena has taken it and was trying to score, but she couldn't even hit the hoop and it made me laugh out loud, which caused her to furrow her eyebrows. She was so funny that I couldn't really stop.

"_Hey! Don't you laugh at me!"_

"_Oh, I'm so sorry, I just"_ I mumbled as I was trying to prevent the tears from my eyes from following. _"Oh, god, that was simply so funny."_ I let another laugh out while she went to take the ball only to throw it at me but I still had fast reflections even though I was no longer playing and managed to catch it before it hit my chest.

"_Well then teach me how, you show-off. I'm failing my P.E. anyway."_ I smiled, this time sincerely while trying to steady my breathing and slowly approached her. I took her hand and led her closer to the hoop _"Since it's obvious that you don't have enough strength to push a ball, we better stand here."_

"_Hey! Don't underestimate me. I have muscles, you just haven't seen them!"_ she protested, again with an angry face. She was just so sweet and with her voice echoing in the empty gym I felt as if I was surrounded by her whole human being. I didn't respond but stood behind her, then took her hands and raised them in the shooting position. _"You're too tensed. Relax a little, it's just a ball."_ I whispered in her ear and let her try on her own but she missed again and she sighed defeated.

"_I can't do it." _her voice was even a little desperate and she crossed her arms again as if she herself didn't know if she should be angry or sad. Elena was the type of girl who wanted to be perfect at everything and not being able to complete this task made her feel incomplete

"_You can"_ I said calmly and threw the ball back to her while slowly limping my way behind her again _"Bend your knees a little more"_ I put my hands on her waist and I feel her tense _"Don't raise it above your head, put it in front of you"_ I move my left hand and try to guide her, then I wait for her to throw but she doesn't

"_Stefan"_ she sighs and lets her hands down _"I can't concentrate with you all over me" _I'm not sure if she's pissed or if she's actually having a good time. She doesn't leave me wonder even for a minute more because she just drops the ball, turns abruptly towards me and kisses me all of a sudden. I'm a little surprised at first but then I follow her lead and put my hands on her sweet red cheeks. I don't let her dominate for long though and tear myself away only to continue kissing her on the neck and down her bare shoulder. I manage to take a glimpse of her and notice that her eyes are closed and she's smiling satisfied _"Stefan"_ she lets out as if she's pleading me to stop, that this is not the place and it's probably not the reason why she's here at all. Still I can't stop myself and return back only to collide my lips with hers once more. She lets a small moan out and I smile, feeling satisfied that I was still good when it came to that stuff. It's been a while since I kissed a girl and I felt as if I have forgotten how to speak. Now I could sense a fire burning up inside me and it felt good, it felt as if I was alive again, even for a few minutes. How much I wished it was all the time!

I let her go but she didn't part away from me, instead she hugged herself and leaned her head on my chest while I gently stroke her hair and smiled to myself, relieved that she still craved to be so close to me.

"_What's up?"_ I say finally getting myself down to earth _"You seem lost in thoughts."_

She sighs, but doesn't lift her look up. It takes her a few minutes to answer and so I kiss her gently a little above the forehead, just to make her feel more confident.

"_Our relatives from Denver are coming by this weekend and Jenna is preparing a big family dinner."_

"_And that is bothering you because?"_ I ask confused.

"_I last saw them before my parents"_ she stopped clearly unable to say the words out loud as if she was still trying to avoid the fact that they were dead. Feeling her like this makes me tense and tighten my grip. She notices it too and puts her hand on my arm as if she's trying to tell me it's fine_."I just don't like family gatherings."_

"_I'm sorry that I won't be here"_ I let out as I was realizing that she will be all alone when she needs someone there for her and suddenly feel a rush of guilt back as if the affection we shared only a minute ago has disappeared into the nothingness around us.

"_Stefan"_ she shakes her head and finally meets my gaze _"That's not why I said it. "_

"_I know"_ I let a sigh out _"But I still feel bad."_ I admitted.

"_Don't be"_ she smiled and I felt her index finger poking me in the ribs, which made me very ticklish and I allowed myself a small laugh while trying to make her twist, but she starts running around and I can't even catch her since I'm too slow. We are like two little kids playing after the teacher left them in the enormous gym with nothing but the ball and time to waste. I felt so innocent with her, so childish. For a moment I lose her of sight until I fell her trying to surprisingly jump on my back and cover my eyes. She's not really expecting me to carry her but I manage to catch her hips and lift her on my back

"_Steeeefan!"_ she yells surprised by my touch on her tight hips but she's fast and finally manages to put her hands on my eyes so I lose sight, but I'm not afraid at all so I take a few slow steps even if the pain present in my knee increases. I'm however strong enough, after all I carry woods every day and they weight far more than she ever will _"Guide me"_ I say

"_No, we'll fall"_ she says through laughter.

"_We won't."_ I say seriously with my hoarse voice _"Trust me."_ she starts guiding me towards the hoop but eventually she lets her hands down

"_Stefan, I'm heavy"_ she says, concern evident in her voice

"_You're not as half heavy as the things I move every day"_ I reply cheerfully but finally let her down not because I feel tired but because I don't want to make her any more uncomfortable. We intervene hands and head to the door where I've left my brother's jacket and we slowly walk out of the school, somehow feeling better that we're leaving this place behind.

"_So, you didn't tell me"_ I started and she looks me confused

"_I was supposed to tell you something?"_

"_Yeah"_ I nod eagerly _"What do you want me to bring you from up there?"_

"_Stefan.."_ she shakes her head _"you don't have to do that. You're spending too much money on this trip anyway."_

"_Okay, then I'll pick something myself, but if you don't like it you'll have to pretend it's the best thing ever for the rest of your life so have that in mind."_ she laughs out sincerely and agrees, then she grips my arm as we walk and leans her head a bit on it. She's nostalgic, I can feel it and I honestly have no desire to leave her right now when I felt so confused inside me-consumed by both guilt and affection, but I had to do this, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. _"Hey, Elena"_ she lifts her look up _"It's just two days you know?"_ she turns towards me and catches both my hands. Why did she seem so sad now? Only a minute ago she was smiling at me poking her.

"_It's only a few days now, Stefan"_ she lets out slowly, desperately, because the words make reality even more painful_ "What happens when we part after we graduate?" _I feel myself tightening my grip but being unable to really say anything because the truth is that I don't know what to say. It will all be fine? We'll hear from each other every day? We'll keep in touch until we make a wrong move and start hating each other? No, I knew those stuff are a lie as was everything around us. It's something to calm our wounded and confused souls._ "And we're not even…" _she continued but couldn't finish being afraid to say it out loud

"_A couple you mean?"_ I'm not however. Words don't scare me, I have a high threshold for the pain they cause too, they hurt me, I just swallow them as fast as I can and don't let myself think about it. Which usually results in a big breakdown at some point because there's only so much our heart can take before bursting up. _"We're not a couple, Elena. And we both know that we might as well never be a real one having in mind how broken we are, isn't that right?"_ I sigh and let go of her hands a little too abruptly _"For you we're just fooling around as too naïve kids, right?"_ she opens her mouth to protest but I intervene her before she could say something _"It's ok. It's not a lie after all. And" _I swallowed hard _"I will completely understand you if you just want to stop it now"_

"_No, Stefan I-"_

"_It's ok. If you feel like you should leave you gotta do it, you know. I don't want you to feel more pain than you already do."_

"_Stefan!"_ she says my name harsh and make me look at her _"Listen to me, you dumbass."_ she crosses her hands again. I noticed that she usually does that when she's angry or when she's shy and doesn't really know where to put them. I believed this time it was the first option. _"Do you think that if I didn't want to see you I would come to this goddamn gym in 10 in the evening on a school night? Would I ask you to tell me your story? Would I even talk to you? You're not just the boy that fixed our back porch, smarty pants, you're not just someone, do you understand? I care for you"_ her voice sounded a little more shaky as if she was suddenly shy to admit her feelings _"I really do, Stefan."_ now she said my name as if she was trying to discover a place where she find some rest in, as if she was a wave and I was somehow her coast where she could be at peace until life drifts us all apart.

We looked at each other for a few minutes and I noticed that her eyebrows were still a little furrowed which meant deep down she's a bit mad at me for just being honest about how things are. She wanted to deny them, but oh God, how much I wish she could, for the sake of both of us.

I come closer to her and slowly remove her hands from her chest. I don't let them go, however, I keep holding them so she couldn't make a move. Then I lean and kiss her slowly, trying to show her that her words matter. I'm speaking with her through a kiss because words are not enough, not now at least and because just only by looking at her I start lacking air, that's how much it hits me. It leaves me helpless. I don't let it last long though and I tear myself away because this isn't about making a fire inside her burn with emotions, it's about being gentle, it's about telling her that I understand her and I'm grateful that she is this person. This is about explaining her that I'm not indifferent towards her either and that she means more than she even assumes.

" _I care too."_ I whisper as we part and watch each other for a while with our noses almost touched which even made me a little ticklish but I contain myself from letting it have this effect on me. But then again she, as a whole, as a person has influence on me that even scares me a little, because I am afraid not to hurt her. I never ever want to do this.

We walk a little more and turn around only to find ourselves in the parking lot, the same one where Tyler beat our assess up. It makes me cringe with the memory and she notices it which causes her to tighten her grip. I avoid her look, I don't want her to see me feel defeated.

"_When exactly are you coming back?"_ she asks barely audible

"_Sunday afternoon. Peter will pick me up from the bus station."_

"_Can I go with him?"_

"_Oh, I don't know…I guess if you want to you can come along"_ I smile happy to tease her like that and she slaps me on the shoulder playfully. _"I'm joking. I'll be beyond happy to see you. I mean..after all I can start teasing you from the moment I'm back and we all know I live to do that."_ I laugh in desperate attempt to make her feel better but she only shows me one of her light smiles and then embraces me with her skinny hands as if she's a kid, just like James is hugging me sometimes, so full of pure love. She practically crashes in my chest and once again I am stunned by the way her hair smells and leaves me always so breathless. As if I'm not in this place at all_. "It's fine, Elena. You only have to get through a horrible family dinner. Gather all your strength, smile and avoid talking about important stuff. "_

"_I'm not really worried about myself."_ she lets out after a few minutes have passed and I've wondered if I've said something wrong _"You take care while you're there, yeah?"_

"_Elena.."_ I try to point her out that there isn't anything there to really make her feel like that _"I promise that-"_

"_Uh-uh"_ she interrupts me _"don't promise. Just be safe. That's all I want."_

"_Good."_ I let out as we finally approach the car and decide unwillingly to get inside and hit the road back home, which almost made me fall asleep but I tried hard to keep myself awake and I somehow managed, though the only thought that somehow prevents me from dozing off is about her and how sweet and caring she was and damn, how much I've missed that in my life.

**Elena's POV**

After I finally got home this evening I couldn't stop thinking about Stefan and how great I felt with him. I couldn't also deny the fact that there was this pit in my stomach, that I was worried, mainly about him, but also about what will happen to us both once the summer comes. I shook my head trying to make those stupid thoughts disappear but they didn't and I knew why-I was in desperate need to be able to control the future now, I wanted certainty ever since my parents died, I wanted to be the captain of whatever was going on in my life. That's why I held on to school that tight and buried myself in homework-because I only had to do them and work hard so I can guarantee getting into a good college. Somehow I have figured it all out, or at least it seemed so but now when Stefan and me got closer, he turned all my plans upside down and made me question them. He wasn't a rebellious man who selfishly rushed into decisions. He was calm but stubborn, he was passionate and craved for me to love him and oh, God, how afraid I was that I was starting to fall. It scared me so much that it made me want to push myself away from him but I couldn't. It was a feeling far bigger than me, maybe even than the whole universe, I had no power over it, I couldn't be its captain.

That's why I wanted to see him. I started realizing I enjoy every little thing about him, even the flaws he possessed though I wasn't completely aware of them all since we knew each other for only a few months. But I could say I was pleased to see his gently smile, I was satisfied to touch his lips with mine, I craved for his warm embrace that always made this nice chill appear inside me and make its way up my spine, I enjoyed observing him and looking at his emerald green eyes.

He kissed me and I forgot it all-the pain, the feeling I was lost, the confusion, the thoughts about my future. He felt as my home used to feel like before- a place I could stay in and forget about my problems and the reality.

But I was also afraid I might lose that. I might have it now but that doesn't mean it will last forever-on the contrary, we were about to be separated by life and there was nothing we could do about it because even if we stop, everything around us will keep on going and we'll just lose ourselves even more. Yet I was willing to be with him no matter what.

Because I realized that time will always be limited, it will never be enough, no matter what. I had my parents for my whole life and yet it's not enough and I only crave to see them and be with them again. The same goes for Stefan-we have a few months, true- so what? Let them be the best of our lives, let's live and run and kiss each other as we do now and even if nothing too serious ever comes out of it-still, it won't be a wasted time. It will be a period in which I felt at least a bit happy, a moment I have let myself see beyond the grief and feel affection for another human being.

That moment today with him at the gym had a special place in my heart. He is right- after many years have passed I might not even remember what exactly happened, but I will know that- there were those lost boy and girl in the middle of an empty gym and they ran in it and smiled and laughed and felt good, and that's all I really needed. When someone showed you that kind of feelings it should be enough, it's should be beyond satisfying actually.

I fell asleep with a both tears on my cheeks and a light smile on my face because I was happy that I felt like this and sad that something that beautiful will have an end.

Our family dinner next day went relatively well. I just tried to do what Stefan advised me to-I smiled and I remained silent when they discussed big issues like the economy or politics or how great my big cousin was doing at college and so stuff like that. I loved them all, now just wasn't the time I would like be around them, I still felt so confused around people that weren't Jenna, Caroline or..Stefan for that matter. I wasn't sure how to talk to my own brother anymore and that scared me but I somehow always found the strength to push this thought in the back of my mind. I kept believing that somehow with time things between us will get better and he will get out of his sad and lonely phase and maybe even start letting me in.

Speaking of Caroline she made me go to the game which really surprised me. She said she just had time to waste and wanted to see the other team beat our ass but I know that Peter was in the bottom of this. Lately she's been asking me about him a lot since she knew that Stefan and him are very close. I wasn't really that into his personal life because I honestly have focused more on Stefan but whenever I saw them together I could only conclude that Peter is just as lonely as Stefan was, if not more and that he's hurt in his own way. Whatever was happening with him wasn't good, because he seemed ruined. Maybe that's why both of them were friends after all-they were constantly getting screwed up and they needed each other to keep going. As far as my best friend was concerned I knew that she cared about him, but she was stubbornly trying to hide it which only made me laugh from the inside. I didn't pressure her, though, I only waited patiently-she just needed time and when she convinces herself that she really has feelings for him she'll just need me to push her a little bit, which will probably be the greatest mistake in my life, since I'll hear about Peter Fell 24/7 and it will all come into place. I'm willing to make sacrifices when it comes to love though. I believe it's worth it.

They lost the game though, only by a few points and I saw Peter slowly making his way to the benches. He stayed there until after the whole team has gone and even most of the crowd. I expected Caroline to want us to leave too but as I tried to stand up she caught my hand and made me sit back. He didn't make a move though-just sat there with the towel on his neck and his hands buried in his hair-he wasn't able to see us.

We slowly walked down the stairs and as he heard our steps turned abruptly thinking it was the last people to leave this place. As he saw us he threw us a surprised glance. He didn't expect to see us here, it left him unprepared and speechless. I didn't know what we should do. We couldn't just say "Hey Peter, you want to go grab a drink?" or "It will all be fine you were great ." Neither of us knew him that well and the only person who could help him was now far away. I saw a bunch of water bottles put on the table where the judges sat and nodded towards them to Caroline. She shook her head but as I poked her in the rubs with my elbow she took one and came closer to him. He was avoiding her look but took the bottle and for a moment their hands touched which made my friend even blush a little and I tried very hard to hide my smile. She told him that she was sorry, he nodded and in a few minutes we left him, all alone in this gym, all by himself which made me wonder if Stefan has ever been in this situation and who was there for him?

Caroline remained very silent on our way home but I didn't ask her or interrupt her in any way because I knew she was only thinking and she needed time to process it all-whatever it was that thing going on inside her. I hugged her and held her a little more before we parted and added that she could call me whenever she feels like talking about it, which made her give me a sad smile.

I was tired of seeing bad all around me and I wanted to believe in the good stuff coming up for us. I refused to think that there wasn't anything at least a bit happy coming our way-there must be and we all had to enjoy it. I wished to stay optimistic, to be persistent when it comes to pursuing sunnier days, and yet every time I turned the light off and closed my eyes I couldn't prevent myself from feeling desperate and sad and remember my parents and the last days we had together. And after that has kept me awake for a few hours I finally start thinking about now, about Stefan and the good around me as he has always thought me-to see the smallest simple things that make sense in the most desperate times and eventually I would let myself fall asleep.

And now I did it even easier because there was another thought in my head-he was coming back in a day, with his broken soul, his limping bended posture and his crooked smile-he was.

My lost boy was coming back.

Stefan's POV  
Chicago hasn't really changed since I left. It was still the same city and there wasn't anything new in my dirty old neighborhood.

Dylan met me at the station, he seemed really tired to me. I guess he's been working extra lately since his little brother was soon to graduate and leave for college. We hugged each other and I realized how much I've missed him. Yeah we heard from each other often and he called me almost every week but it was another think to finally see him. He was the boy I knew ever since I was a little kid, my best friend, who saw me in my worst and even then put up with me. His house was my house, his family was my family and vice versa.

He first took me to their house where I would be staying and his mother hugged the life out of me. She was a nice woman-a really close friend of my mother and she felt like she should be always helping me no matter what, as if she has given my mother some kind of promise just like Bonnie. She spoiled me very much even though I was a almost nineteen years old and she insisted on us eating first before doing anything else. She asked me all about my brother and Bonnie and how were things in the family and what are we working now, how are we managing-everything she could think of. I tried to sound all optimistic but she got that there was something wrong when we talked about my brother, who was still so pissed off at me and would barely talk while I was patiently waiting for him to become more benevolent towards my decisions and the way I wanted to lead my life but up until now it seemed as if he was not making any progress in that direction. I know he can't be convinced-he needed to accept it all himself, to think good about it and to understand that I need it and I hoped that even though he was very stubborn eventually he would get there.

Dylan and me, we talked a lot, we practically couldn't be stopped and if I wasn't so desperate to finally go to the graveyard we would've stayed in his house until midnight and drink the rest of the beer in the fridge without even realizing how much it was. But my best friend knew that I just wouldn't be able to sleep well if I don't get this done so he took me out with his old jeep and he showed me the new best place in our neighborhood to buy flowers in this time of the year. The weather, disastrous as I arrived, was now somehow calmer, there was only a cold light wind, but it wasn't something that unacceptable, on the contrary, it made me feel more awake and washed the fear I felt away.

He stopped in front of the graveyard and said he would wait for me as long as he has to. I could take all the time I wanted. I didn't thank him, only looked at him, trying to show him how much I appreciate all he has done and continued doing for me.

It took me a while to get to her grave. I couldn't figure out if I was walking even more slowly than usually because I hated facing the fact that the gravestone will be there with her name on it and I have to relive it for the hundred time, or because I liked to take my time and look around me and feel all the grief I could from this place, but remind myself that after all such things happened, no matter how absurd and ridiculous it was-it's death. The stones I passed by marked the places where people were buried, where we-the rest of us still living, could come and cry, and ask for help, and tell them what's going on right now and how confused we remained.

How we couldn't figure out why is it all like that and how much it keeps bugging us and leaves us confused but also it was a place where we admitted that we pushed those thoughts in the back of our mind because they were riddles and hardly made sense. We couldn't get how love can be buried or disappear into the ground. It was hard for us to watch the grass overcome the brown soil we have thrown on the casket while our hearts were breaking.

And yet I've come here today to also talk to her, because I needed her guidance, and I needed to know if I was doing the right thing, if I was finally on the right path.

I finally reached the spot. My heart broke as I realized that probably no one has come here in forever-it didn't seem as if someone has left flowers recently. She was alone on her birthday, no one cared to come. Her mother was probably sick again and I didn't even dare to think that Mark could decide to come here.

It took me a while to bend down and eventually I gave up and just decided to get my jeans dirty. The ground was cold but I didn't really pay attention to that. I took my hat down and ran my fingers through my hair. At first I was afraid to look good at the stone, as if I was nervous to meet her eyes, but I let a deep sigh out and put the flowers down.

"_Happy birthday, Anna."_ I smiled and touched gently the engraved letters until I got to the bottom of the stone, after the years, marking the beginning and the end of her life, where it said _"beloved daughter, sister and friend"_. Hah, friend-she was so much more than a friend-she was my first lover, the girl that stole my heart so unexpectedly while I was still childishly naïve and young. _"I miss you."_ I felt like words were too hard to be spoken and yet I had to do it, for her, for myself too. The more weight they brought with themselves the more meaning they carried _"I'm sorry I couldn't be here last week…some things prevented me from doing so, but I bet that if you're still looking from somewhere you know all that. I don't like making excuses and I don't like saying sorry-none of this changes things so I'll just be honest-I miss you. Every day. And I don't think it'll change any time soon."_ I looked up, expecting to maybe feel closer to her by staring in the big blue nothingness above me _"Still…something changed, Anna."_ I spent the next couple of minutes figuring out which words would be appropriate only to realize that I'll never find the right ones _"I met someone-another girl and I'm honestly confused to talk to about it, but then again no one else would really understand me. It just..seems right to search for you when I'm so lost. I guess that even if you're not here I still have the need inside me to seek your guidance and advice. Right now I can't talk to Bonnie or my brother, they are too busy trying to figure out what to do with me. Peter is broken, he needs to fix himself and start believing he can do something important. Dylan was until now away and I can't just talk over the phone about this. So you could say I was really going crazy, especially these last few weeks. I..just…"_ I sighed again an looked down, this time at the trainers my brother brought me from Atlanta, which were now very dirty, only after being worn for such a short period _"She's sweet and caring and deep down very good, but she's also broken. Like me. Don't get me wrong, it's not why I'm worried. I just don't want to see her hurt. I'm so afraid that I'll mess things up as I do with everything in my life-with my brother, with you, even with my friends. She is so sad when she cries, it really breaks my heart and I only know her for a little while. I..have to admit that it feels good to spend time with her, but what does it even mean if in the end I leave her heartbroken? I don't think for myself if I have to be honest. Yes, I'll hurt too, but by now I've been through hell, I'll have to get over this one as well while she's so gentle and sensitive and if we let ourselves fall in love it will be so hard after we both part. I'm just so…lost, you know? With her it seems right and I feel like all my worries disappear but after I send her home I start asking myself "Now why are you doing this? Why are you misleading her?". I am in constant contradiction with myself and I'm just at the point where I need to stop because I'm steps away from going insane, Anna."_ I finally removed my hand from the stone and remain still like this, only staring at her name again. I pick up my hat and nervously crumple it, as if I could somehow find the solution to everything by doing so _"I need to let go and just..try to love again, you know? I've never given myself so much to anyone but you and after I lost you I just became so…numb. I've missed it so much and I didn't even realize it. I want to love someone-even if it hurts. So..what do you think?"_

I waited there even though I knew I won't get a real answer. Stuff as those in the movies didn't happen-wind wouldn't suddenly start trying to move me from my place, I wouldn't see a falling star, a leaf from a three wouldn't fall down. Nothing would happen to show me that she has heard me, but I knew she did. I knew she was somewhere, she had to be. Maybe she was standing right behind me in that moment and was smiling. Maybe she was looking from afar, afraid to come closer.

I don't know how long it was before I finally decided to stand up. Half an hour, more? Did it matter? I loved staying in silence with her and I could do it for days. My ass was freezing up and my jeans were wet from sitting on the ground but I didn't really care. I got to be with her, to spent some time and talk to her.

"_See you soon."_ were my last words as I finally turned my back towards the gravestone and slowly limped my way out of this filled with grief and sadness place. I had my answers. Honestly, I understood that I didn't need words or signs to realize the fact that I can't ignore my feelings. You either loved openly someone and let the joy from it fill your heart or you suppressed it deep deep down until it starts destroying you. And I had so many things inside me killing me already that I just couldn't let another one to that bunch since it would probably be the end of me. You can only hold on for that much before it breaks you into pieces.

Next day Dylan took me to a few factories which were supposed to start hiring new people at the end of May since there were usually more orders in the beginning of the summer period. Two of them cut me off, only by seeing that I can't walk normally, the owner of the third one agreed but said he would pay me less so I guess that was at least a bit of a progress. Dylan tried to easy my annoyance by saying that with time I can find another workplace, I only needed something for the beginning and I knew he was right, the problem wasn't in that. It was the way people looked at me-as if I was somehow not a whole human being, they thought I couldn't work properly or that I even lacked brain. It was just so stupid how they preferred to make conclusions only by what they see in front of them without even grasping the important thing here-that I was like the rest of them. And my life, my routine was completely the same. They failed to understand that I craved for the same things all of them did- I wanted a good life, a happy one, I liked to surround myself with friends, but above all I wished to love someone else. To make my boring, stupid life important by loving another human being.

It took me a while to decide what to get for Elena, but my friend again came to the rescue with the perfect solution_-''Chicks love scarves ",_ he said. Dylan was that kind of guy that dated a girl for a few months but then something usually went wrong, they broke up, he needed a night off where he would drink until he forgets his own name and after a week or so he would find another one. He wasn't a womanizer, I just think he wasn't a fan of commitment and above all he was very stubborn, like me, so when someone gave him advise or tried to guide him he would just go mad-ergo his impossibility to find the right one. He always said I was so lucky with Anna and he often asked me how did I do it all. I never understood his question-how do I do what? I simply love a girl and that's somehow enough for her. Yeah, of course, I try to be nice and understanding but above all I try to respect her and the decisions she makes even if that's not what I want at all. We are one and yet we are also individuals which meant she has her freedom to do whatever she feels is right at the moment. I would hate to make someone do something for me, or change their decisions for me like it was with my brother. He took care of me for so long that I started feeling bad. He always choose me above all and because I could see it, it made everything harder and it hurt me very much. I hated when someone else had to be responsible for me. I was already old enough and I could take care of myself.

Anyway so Dylan's latest girlfriend-Rachel or..something like that, I'm really bad with names, loved all sorts of winter accessories so he took me to a new store downtown and I picked Elena a very colorful scarf which even looked a bit hippie to me but he said she'll loved it. I really started doubting myself after we got out of there but it was already too late and I thanked got that at least there was red on it, since her coat was red and at least one of things matched. Right? God, I was hopeless. I bought a bunch of stuff for James too and hoped that Bonnie wouldn't ask too many questions like where did I get the money from or how did I buy that thing or the other since she knew that 1. I didn't have time to go shopping and 2. I hated doing so.

Before I left, Dylan and me got a drink and I went on the bus home feeling a little tipsy. To that I can add the fact that I was tired like hell-sometimes living is harder than working all day and I still can't figure out how that can be. Isn't free time supposed to make you relax more? I felt beaten to death. I spent most of the time travelling in deep sleep and a little before we were about to arrive at Mystic Falls I searched for my pills which were supposed to be in my left jacket pocket but it took me a while to find them since I've put like..my whole life in there, including the cigarettes. As I opened the orange bottle I found out I was there was only one pill left, which meant I was screwed up, pretty much literally. I was out of money already.

Ah, well..I guess I'll have to get over it…somehow.

**Elena's POV**

The bus is something like half an hour late and I'm getting more nervous with every passing minute while Peter silently mocks me while smoking his cigarette. I catch him mumbling something like _"Uh, girls"_ and shrugging more to himself than to anyone else. I keep observing the exit and a thought passes through my mind while staring at the gates-I've missed him. I've missed him so damn much.

I keep wondering, when on earth did that happen to me? Can I at least have answers to the questions about the how the only good thing in my life was happening? But then again did I need this really? Why was I trying to figure out things like affection or care for another human being? It was just in me, it appeared, maybe without me even wishing for it or realizing it.

Though it was there-I should be grateful.

As I finally saw him come through the gates, looking tired and confused, searching for us in the crowded space before the bus station I smiled and ran towards him. When his eyes met mine he smiled and he opened his arms wide. I practically jumped in him and he embraced my whole human being with his strong hands.

"_Elena"_ he whispered in my ear as if my name was the only word he can express his feelings with right now. It was like he's saying "You're here" maybe a little surprised that I've kept my promise and came. He was relieved that he was seeing me and I even allowed myself feeling a little proud because of that.

"_Stefan"_ I replied silently and gave him a small kiss _"I've missed you."_

"_I've missed you more."_ he said teasingly with a light smile and at the same time trying to poke me in the ribs but I was fast and jumped down. He didn't let me go though. He hugged me tight and kissed me on the forehead before finally greeting Peter.

Oh, Lord.

I was falling in love.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello everybody! So here's another chapter and I hope you get to enjoy this one as well. Thank you all for continuing to support me and leaving me your opinions on certain things. To the person who asked me about how Damon is seeing all the changes going on with Stefan-I was already writing that when you left the review so you must be reading my mind or something. And I apologize to those who can't handle the feelings very well. I really am sorry.**

**Enjoy and let me know how you liked this one. ((: **

**Stefan's POV**

I was coming home from the factory, slowly walking down the street and gathering courage to finally call Elena, even though I've been avoiding it for the past twenty minutes and was observing the crowded alley in front of me, smiling every time a kid ran towards their parents or a couple was kissing, or an old man was crossing the street.

I was trying to avoid calling because I was afraid.

I've been meaning to ask her out on a date for probably around a week now and even Peter started getting sick of me constantly trying to explain him that I just can't do it. I honestly had no idea where I could take her? What we would do? What would I wear-I had no clothes, not even a decent pair of jeans and I would probably show up looking like a homeless idiot while she'll shine beside me. I was bad on the money department and I still haven't bought myself medications, but I could live through that-for now at least. Or that's what I kept repeating myself.

I was so worried when I wasn't even sure if she'll say yes.

Still, I decided that if I wait a little more I might as well get insane. So I found the bench I was looking for-one in the small back streets where people didn't usually go and sat nervously with the cell in my hand. I pushed the call button a few times and then hit the red one, then I lit a cigarette and stood up walking up and down around the bench with it in my mouth, almost forgetting that it was still there. My hands were sweating and I felt warm, even though the evening was quite cold and windy. My leg started hurt so I sat back and just as I was wondering again whether to finally call her or not I got a text from Peter saying _"Do it already GODDAMIT"._ I laughed loud to myself, which made an old lady passing by look at me as if I was crazy. And damn..I was. I was so crazy about her. I wanted to see her, to kiss her, to hold her in my arms, to just spent time with her and talk to her-about everything. I missed her, even though in the last few days she came by the factory every time I finished work, no matter how late it was and I felt bad for making her go out in that time of the night. I was afraid something might happen and I've been telling her to stop doing it, but she just waved her hand as if she was annoyed by my comments and continued talking about whatever we were discussing.

She would usually wait for me patiently, since I was the last one to leave due to my slowly walking, she would smile and throw me a knowing glance-as if she was saying _"Come on, I've been here since forever"_ and I would smile back because I felt good. There was this warm feeling inside me that appeared every time I would decide to stare at her beautiful brown eyes. She started wearing the scarf I brought her from Chicago and I would always feel satisfied once I noticed she's put it on. I wasn't sure if she liked it at all, but I hoped she did. It really suited her. It made her look happier-with all those colors on it and of course it would make everything around me seem brighter too since my day consisted of nothing, but a tiring school morning and a working afternoon routine of moving heavy things.

Elena would always bring me a big sandwich since she knew how hungry I usually was at that time and she would laugh while watching me eat it on one of the benches in the parking lot. She said I was always so funny with my dirty jacket and bruised hands and ruffled hair and then I would usually mess my t-shirt with the ketchup from the sandwich and she would literally laugh for ten minutes while I looked helplessly in her direction, until I finally got annoyed and furrowed my eyebrows angrily, when in reality I wasn't, but I knew she would grant me a kiss so I loved pretending like that since it brought me such a great pleasure.

So I finally decided to call her after another twenty minutes of worrying passed and waited impatiently while she finally picked her phone after the fifth beep, signalizing she's not near it at all.

"_Hello"_ I heard her sleepy voice. Damn..I woke her up. She probably studied until now. I started cursing myself.

"_Oh God, you're sleeping."_ I let out worriedly

"_Stefan? Hey! What's going on?"_

"_I'm so sorry, Elena. I didn't mean to wake you."_

"_It's fine. I have actually fallen asleep on the history book. Thanks for reminding me that I still own a bed."_ I chuckled a little relieved, trying to push the guilty feeling somewhere under the big weight of nervousness inside me, which of course probably made it worse _"Are you ok? Is everything fine?"_

"_Yeah..yeah it's all good. Um..I just called because I wanted to ask you something." _I started stuttering and then stopped for like half a minute trying to put the words together which made her suspicious

"_I'm listening."_ she wasn't impatient, more like confused what it could be all about.

"_Well..um..I was wondering if you would be able to maybe go out with me this Saturday?"_

This time she remained silent which got me completely on edge and I stood up abruptly which almost cost me falling down, but I caught the side of the bench and stabilizing myself with my eyes closed, afraid to hear her next line. She would totally cut me off. Jesus, what was I thinking? She would never go out with someone like me! I'm a crippled idiot with the inability to talk to other people. I was already wishing for her just to say no and hang up, because I wouldn't be able to take that silence anymore.

"_You mean like on a date?"_ I was extremely hit as I realized her voice was excited.

"_Well.. yeah I guess you can call it like that."_ I heard her laughing in her cute silent way _"Elena.."_I started now feeling hurt _"Please…it's hard for me"_ I admitted and she suddenly stopped, realizing how serious I was.

"_I'm sorry"_ she responded sincerely _"I really am, you're just so sweet."_

"_I am a boy! I am not and can't be sweet!"_ I protested and wished she could be near to see my furrow eyebrows again and console me with a small kiss on the cheek.

"_But you are."_ she laughed again, but hurried to stop _"Sorry, I'm stopping now." _she cleared her throat _"It would be a pleasure, Stefan"_ she finally said with a serious voice as well.

"_Really?"_ I said without realizing how ridiculous that makes me and hurried to fix it _"I mean, I'm glad."_ and caught her trying to suppress another laugh. She was having so much fun while I was basically in hell.

"_Good. Will I still see you tomorrow or will you start preparing from then on?"_

"_Don't you make fun of me Elena Gilbert. And yes. But I'm working late tomorrow again. "_

"_What about Peter? Weren't you helping him train? "_

"_No, the night after that. His aunt is coming again so he won't be able. By the way, speaking of Peter…um he mentioned you two at the game. What was that about? "_

"_It was about my best friend desperately trying to hide her feelings."_ she said sincerely and maybe a little worriedly so I decided to stop discussing this issue-it was a complicated subject anyway, plus she tried to suppress a big yawn again and I decided it was time to leave her alone.

"_You should go to sleep. You sound very tired."_

"_Are you trying to get rid of me, Salvatore?"_

"_Nope, I'm just about to get inside the house and I don't want to make noise since James might be sleeping"_ which was the truth. A little after I staggered near this bench, I slowly started walking on the way home and was almost to the front porch.

"_It's ok, I was joking, Stefan."_ she responded sincerely with still such a sleepy voice-Good night.

"_Good night, Elena. "_

"_See you tomorrow."_

"_Definitely."_

"_I'll bring you a sandwich."_

"_Yeah, only so you can laugh your ass out while watching me eat. This is all a sweet entertainment for you, isn't it?"_

"_Nope, not at all. "_ she sounded cheerful but then she added _"It's just me being a good person."_

"_I know you are. I don't need a conformation for that since I'm beyond certain of its existence."_

"_Stefan!"_ she sighed pretending to be annoying. I loved how I could tell how she felt even if I couldn't see her. _"You can't say things like that in the middle of the night when you are so away!"_

"_Oh yes I can."_ I smiled and we remained silent for a while. I could sense her thinking about certain stuff and I didn't want to interrupt her thoughts _"Sleep tight, Elena."_

"_You too"_ she responded in a while still sounding sleepy but serious. I unwillingly hang up and came inside.

Before I could even pull my shoes off Bonnie appeared from the kitchen with a pretty serious expression on her face which suddenly got me suspicious that there's something wrong.

**Damon's POV**

I heard my wife calling my brother to come to the kitchen a little after we recognized the sound of the front door shutting. He made attempts to get away with it since we still haven't been talking ever since that unfortunate fight and his confession that he'll be moving back to Chicago.

Honestly-I've never been more conflicted in my life. I knew this wasn't right. I couldn't bear watching him constantly in pain but at least I knew if something happened, like it was a month ago when we found him fallen in his room, I could be a shoulder he can lean on and I could take care of him. Now-with the thought of him being so far away I was scared-that something might go wrong, that somehow things could turn upside down. I was afraid, because I've seen this in my life already and it has happened more than once. I liked to be in control-of my life and of his as well, because he was my little brother and I had to protect him no matter what.

But he was also growing up, he wasn't the same blond boy running up and down our house with his silly smile, he was a man already. Yeah, I he was only eighteen but besides his bent figure he was strong and he carried that scent around him everywhere-the scent of having adult problems-the tiredness, the big circles under his eyes, the constant worry that something's not enough, that he needed to do better somehow so he could help us and not be a burden. His hair sticking up in all the wrong directions, the stubby beard, which he didn't have time to shave every day and the dirt under his nails made my description complete-he has grown. Maybe more that I've even realized in the past year. It's so strange to notice those things when you live with someone else-you somehow start missing the important stuff, because the routine is making it all look the same when in reality it isn't.

As he finally entered the room with my wife following behind him he was afraid to look me in the eyes and I wondered for a moment-was I that bad to him? Did I hurt him that much by not approving of his decisions? Was I becoming my father-constantly unsatisfied with what the others were doing?

He seemed more tired than usually and his movements were slow, which made me a bit suspicious, but I decided to ignore the bad feeling that suddenly appeared inside me. I realized I haven't been really paying attention to him lately. I've left him all alone again, to deal with everything by himself, and on top of that I was mad at him, which probably made him experience more guilt that usually. He put down my jacket and hanged it on the side of the chair. My son, sitting in his own chair besides his uncle's one smiled as he saw him and stretched his hands.

"_Da-da-da-da-da"_ those were his favorite words lately. It was obviously a sound he has learned and he just wouldn't stop repeating it. When he was sad it was all _da-da _, when he was hungry or sleepy-still the same. When he was calling for attention or craved for his mother's embrace it was still the same. It expressed his whole world-he didn't really need more. Stefan took him, even though Bonnie has just put the meal in front of him. He started playing with him, talking to him and for a moment I saw the child in him again and I admit-it made me nostalgic. I craved for us both to live in a world without so much problems, without having to struggle with money, without having to wear old shabby clothes and broken shoes. I wanted us to be at least a bit better, though I was afraid to ask for more and I was afraid to wish better on myself since I could see how hard it was all for him.

I knew-no matter how much time passed, Anna's death has crippled his soul and it would leave him marked forever. This had nothing to do with physical pain-yes, he had those problems too and they made it worse, but on the inside…what he felt, that must be life-ruining and I never ever wished for that to happen to us again.

I am still admiring his strength. I don't know how I would be able to live if something was to happen to Bonnie. I wouldn't be able to survive. His love for Anna wasn't just a typical high school romance-it was a real thing. I could see them grow older and stay together-get married and have children. He had such deep affections for her-she was his life, in every sense of the word. And then he practically lost himself.

He still is lost, though lately I can't help but notice that there is some light in his eyes and I've been asking myself if it has something to do with this girl Elena that came to see him after this fight, that scared me out of my mind for the second time. I noticed back then-even if it was for a few minutes- there was this childish spark, that innocence he always carried with him-it was back. There was excitement too-he was feeling alive. I was afraid to hope that there could be really something going on, because I didn't want to jinx it, but I would love nothing more but to see him happy and in love again. And as he sat before me tonight I noticed that difference again.

Even though he looked beyond tired, there was just this brighter look on his face and mainly in his eyes-I was really about to doubt the first conclusion that came to my mind but then I just let it go, because it was true-he seemed happy. I haven't seen him like that in ages. He has put his the usual façade from the past weeks or so, though-he was quiet and he realized there was something important we wanted to talk about, otherwise my wife wouldn't have turned the TV off and we wouldn't even insist on him coming in the kitchen. Lately he hasn't been eating home at all.

"_Stefan"_ I started and he finally looked away from my son. The boy realized there was something going on and went quiet too, hugging himself closer in his uncle _"We need to talk." _I started and gave Bonnie a look which she understood as a sign to sit beside me.

My brother didn't respond. He just nodded lightly and let a small sigh out.

I struggled with words. I didn't want to say our decision out loud. I refused to make it all a reality. Bonnie sensed that and caught my hand under the table.

"_We thought a lot about what you told us..That you want to move away after the school year is over."_

"_Brother, you don't have to"_ he started but I interrupted him

"_No, wait. I'm just going to make this quick because it's too hard for us both"_ I nod towards her in an attempt to show him that this isn't about making him feel guilty. It's about being honest. _"If going to Chicago is what you feel you should do than I..we are good with it."_

He remained silent, surprise evident in his eyes. He was stunned, not sure what he should say or do. James kept shifting his look from us to him and he finally let out a silent questioning _"Da-da?"._

"_I…really don't know what to say, brother."_ he let out honestly, still clearly confused. He always called me brother when we were talking about important things, or when he just tried to be honest. Did he really think that we are that heartless that we wouldn't speak to him for months on until he leaves this place all alone and without any possible back up if something whatsoever happens? Did I really disappoint him that much in the last months?

"_Don't say anything"_ intervened Bonnie _"But we would still want some stuff you know?"_

"_Yeah..like you coming down here every once in a month for starters."_ I began, trying to sound confident and hide the sadness in my voice.

"_And calling every day, yeah?"_ she added.

"_And if something, whatever happens that is worrying you or if you don't feel fine you call me or Bonnie immediately, ok?"_

"_Absolutely"_ now there was a big smile on his lips for a moment, but I also noticed nostalgia in his voice.

"_We don't like you drifting apart, Stefan"_ my wife started again with a serious voice _"We've missed you these last few weeks. You're here but then again…you are not and we can't live like that. If going up there will help you somehow we understand it, even though we still might be a little against it. We need time, because we are used to you being with us. So if there is something we did or said that hurt you those few weeks we are sorry."_ I nodded to confirm her words though my brother remained serious, guilt evident on his face. I kept wondering where he will stop caring so much for others and for once think about himself _"We don't like letting things go, you know?"_

"_I really appreciate it. It means a lot that you are ok with this"_ he started, though still feeling quite uncomfortable. Bonnie stood up to take James to his bed since he was starting to doze off in his uncle's embrace. I still couldn't figure out how he did this, but it took me half an hour to put him down while Stefan needed a few minutes and my son was starting to fall. I furrowed my eyebrows as Bonnie carried James away because I didn't want her to pick up heavy things now when she was pregnant and it was starting to be obvious, but she ignored my look and took him away. He started protesting that he was getting out of Stefan's embrace and cried out loud. Bonnie started soothing him and he hugged her back but still with big tears falling from his eyes, which immediately broke my brother's heart and he tried standing up and hugging him back but my wife shook her head-it was time for bed and plus he better get used to the fact that his uncle won't be here all the time. She disappeared from our sight and we didn't say a word until we heard the loud "Da-daaaa" fading away in our bedroom.

Stefan still seemed sad after he saw my son like that and he was just staring at his full plate, probably realizing how much he'll miss him once he's gone. I decided to take his mind away from it.

"_So, you want to tell me what's going on with the Gilbert girl?"_ I asked and he was immediately taken aback from my question _"What? You thought I wouldn't notice that there was something?"_

"_I.."_ he began but couldn't really decide what to say. He seemed confused. Was he afraid to fall in love or to admit that it has happened without him even realizing _"I'm not sure what's going on to be honest."_ he let out and smiled lightly as if he was remembering something good.

"_Well are you together?"_ I asked and waited him for a few minutes until he could figure out how to formulate the definition of his relationship with her.

"_I really don't know what we are ."_ he shrugged, still with a smile on and the happy light in his eyes. The once I haven't seen since he talked how much he loves Anna _"We are friends. But then..I kissed her and "_

"_It felt good?"_ I assumed but he shook his head

"_No..it felt like home."_ he was still struggling with words. I felt like he wants to tell me all, to make me a part of this, to share with me something like he used to before, but he just couldn't pick up the right words, because he was confused. I could sense it-he was so contradicted. He probably felt guilt and excitement and wasn't sure which one of those two feelings to trust. But I knew he has made his choice without even realizing that. We stood in silence for a while, both just thinking about it all, about what was coming for us, how our life will change _"I asked her out on a date."_

I gave him a wide smile and he looked away embarrassed which made me change my mind to initially give him a sarcastic comment. He was worried. He thought he'll screw it up. He was probably thinking where he could take her? Or what would he wear-he didn't have any new clothes.

"_Come on"_ I stood up and he looked me confused. _"Just come."_ I led him out of the kitchen towards the living room where we had a relatively big cupboard, in which Bonnie kept some of the bigger sheets and towels. I leaned down and opened the bottom draw. I picked up a big package from there and tore the brown paper apart only to get out the new jacket we've bought for him last Sunday. He looked in utter surprise and step back as if he was afraid of it.

"_It's for you. Bonnie picked it up. She intended to give it to you later but I guess now's better. You can't go out with a girl looking like a homeless person. "_

"_Brother…I" _

"_Just take it"_ I handed it over and he put it on to see if it's really fitting him but I knew it would since my wife knew the sizes of every member of this family and she could never be mistaken. At first I wanted to take the bigger one but now I realized he would've looked like a kid in it. He wasn't that big and he was still very slim. After the fight he never got back to his original healthy look, he still seemed so broken to me that it was hard to suppress the feeling inside me that he might never get at least relatively good again.

But who knows? Maybe the girl was the key to it all. How much does my brother really need to feel fine? He has such simple desires that if love fills his kind heart it could either bring him to another edge or will only make him happy.

"_This is too much. We don't have money to spend for such stuff. You should take it back"_ he tried taking it off but I caught him at the shoulder

"_No. I'm not leaving you go around the streets looking like you don't have a family, like there's nothing who would take care of you."_

"_I am a big boy now, brother. I know it doesn't seem like that, but I can take care of myself."_ he looked me in the eyes with a serious expression on his face. _"I am not as helpless as I seem to you."_ he let a deep sigh out _"Because it happened once doesn't mean that it's the end of the world, you know?"_ but it wasn't just once and I knew it. This eternal cycle of him being in pain would never end. Not after last year.

"_I do."_ I answered even if I didn't really believe it. I would never stop worrying about him. That wasn't possible. _"Keep that though. You need to look good. And plus you bought so many things for James lately. You deserve something for yourself."_

"_Thank you."_ he said, guilt still evident in his voice.

"_Don't thank me. We are brothers."_ he scratched the back of his neck and then tried to suppress an yawn. _"Go to bed now. You're tired."_ he nodded and slowly limped towards his room.

I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight. I kept wondering what will happen to us both and then I realized that yes-there are many things in life that are uncertain and there are many ones we will never be able to control, but family and the bond we have is an unbreakable thing, no matter how much we fight or get angry at each other. He's my brother and I'm his. That can't be changed. No distance can bend it, there is no disease which can beat it, there is no pain that can alter its original shape.

We are linked together for life.

**Stefan's POV**

I spend probably something like three hours before the date at Peter's house, trying to figure out which shirt would look best on me. He had an enormous closet, full of things he never even wore or which didn't even fit him but just remained there and he was good enough to borrow me some for the night since I had to spent most of the money I had on the dinner itself. Peter really helped me out this time-he figured out where we should go and recommended me a really good restaurant a little outside Mystic Falls where he took a girl out something like an year ago. He was certain Elena would love it and I hoped, for his sake actually, that he was right. I was really nervous and was barely holding myself together since I was beyond tired from working this morning, but Peter was always there to pour me another cup of coffee when I was on the verge of falling asleep. Somewhere in the late afternoon I started feeling excited and even my cheeks turned a little more red-ish which made me look somehow stronger and healthier since my face was always so pale.

My hands were trembling while I was trying to button the red and white plaid shirt we have finally considered to be the best one and Peter was laughing his eyes from behind, but as he saw my serious expression he stopped and tapped me on the shoulder while trying to encourage me.

He was finally in a good mood since the team won the game yesterday. I knew that he wouldn't remain happy for long so I just enjoyed the time we could spent like this-me, on the verge of dying from nervousness and he-being finally satisfied with himself. I knew it wouldn't really last long so even if he was mocking me or calling me funny names I didn't really pay attention. It actually made me happier-my friend was usually so sad. I haven't seen him smile sincerely for such a long time that now it was just a pleasure to observe him.

"_You really look dashing"_ he said as I was finally ready and even put my jacket on.

"_I'll be late."_ I said with my voice also shaking. God, if Anna could see me from somewhere now she would so be laughing out, just when I first ask her out.

"_You won't. You have like..fifteen minutes. Where are your flowers?"_

"_In the car."_

"_Good. Now just get yourself together. She's just a girl, she doesn't bite, you know?"_

"_Yeah"_ I nodded after a few minutes while I still tried to make my shirt look good. I didn't want anything to move from the place it was right now. Especially my stupid sticking in all directions hair that I somehow made look at least a little bit more presentable.

"_Good. Now go rock Elena Gilbert's world."_ he said as he lead me to the door and I followed him with my slowly pace.

"_I won't be rocking anyone's world. I just want her to have a good time tonight."_ I said sincerely, finally letting an annoyed sigh out. Doesn't he understand? It's not about sex at all. It's about loving another soul. It's so much bigger than anything else around is. It's life-ruining most of the time. And letting it all back in is just so hard and so overwhelming. Even holding her hand makes me shiver from joy, let alone when I touch her lips and I feel like I'm breaking in two. This isn't a game the love-struck foolish kids. It's a dance of two broken people, who are trying not to hurt each other more than they already are.

"_I know, I'm just joking."_ he tapped me on the shoulder again, which honestly hurt because I've been carrying woods on it the whole day and now it was bruised. _"Have a good time"_ he added and waited until I get to the car before he came back inside where he would probably just get drunk again. I really hated it when he did that, but no matter how hard I tried to make him stop once and for all it I just failed. Yeah-he could hold without it for a few days but that usually made it worse. He would get wasted again and I would go after his stupid ass and get him out of the next pothole he has collapsed in.

But he was my friend. And he was there in the past month when there were evenings I just couldn't get myself home after work, when I barely walked. He came, always. And he would scold me for an hour or so and try to convince me to finally do something about it, to listen to what the doctor in Atlanta said, but I just usually remained silent and thanked him a dozen times while he took me to his house since I couldn't let my brother see me like this. We were there for each other in our worse. That's what friendship is about in the first place.

While driving to Elena's house I calmed myself down a little. Peter was right-she was a girl, but she wasn't just any girl. She's the first one that made me feel something after Anna died. And that was a big thing for me since I never believed it could happen again. I never even hoped for my heart to beat so fast for another soul, because of affection. I never thought my hands would be so sweaty. I couldn't believe it's possible at all to feel love towards another girl again. To crave for her and her touch like I did for Elena.

I never believed I'll fall in love ever again.

I considered this to be a gift. One I should treat carefully and unwrap slowly. By some unknown reason fate wanted me to be happy again, to not feel alone. There was a reason behind it probably but how did I care what it was? I only wished to live-now, with her. Nothing else mattered. The guilt inside me-yes she was there but I'm done trying to deny its existence or to stop its influence on my decision-that can never happen, because I'll always feel something towards Anna too and it would always try to make me feel bad when it really it shouldn't be like this. I could use it for the better, I could use it to make her proud. Those stuff I felt in me-they should help me, not prevent me from living whatever was left of my pathetic life.

I stopped a little abruptly in front of their house and slowly took off to the door. It was a relatively warm night. As far as it could be like this in December. But there wasn't a cold wind and it wasn't snowing which was great. I took a few deep breaths before finally ringing the bell. Elena warned me that Jenna would probably open and give me a speech about what am I allowed to do and what not, which I sincerely found to be sweet. So when the door opened I tried to act as calm and as dependable as I could. Even though my whole posture screamed "Loser".

"_Good evening, Miss Sommers."_

"_Stefan"_ she nodded and looked me from top to bottom trying to decide how come I looked so presentable tonight. She smiled, obviously satisfied-I guess I was good enough to go out with her niece. At least me and Peter could do something right in this stupid life if she considered me to be good-looking that evening.

"_I'm here to pick Elena."_ I started trying to sound as confident as I could and for the first time my hoarse voice helped me sound a little more mature.

"_Yeah, I know"_ she crossed her arms just like Elena did all the time and I wondered if it was a family thing. _"About that, I want her back home by 11, yeah? My brother-in-law rules still count you know?"_

"_That's not a problem."_ I answered completely seriously. She looked behind her back because she obviously heard someone coming down the stairs. My heart would probably just stop very soon if I kept feeling like that. Can you die from love?

Jenna surprisingly leaned a little bit closer to me and almost closed the door in an attempt to give me a last notice. I was almost on the verge of breaking the flower's stem I was holding in my hand behind my back.

"_Bring her back home with a smile on her face, yeah? I just can't keep watching her like this anymore."_ she was almost whispering.

"_You got it."_ I smiled politely. Jenna really cared about her and I found that touching. She finally let the door open and I saw Elena putting her coat on. I've told her not to be too formal since I myself didn't own a suit and would be more casual. Plus I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable and prepare too much. I liked her when she had just little make up and when her hair was down, nothing else mattered. Not the way she was dressed anyway. She has put on a very sweet light red, high waste skirt and a white shirt on it. It made her look so sweet and I tried keeping my eyes off her long legs even though it was really hard. I decided to focus on her eyes and was happy to see the light in them. That encouraged me as well as her wide smile. Jenna excused herself and went to the kitchen and we just stood there for a moment observing each other and wondering how that can be reality at all.

"_Elena you look simply amazing."_ I started as she finally took a few steps closer and I handed her the flowers while I leaned to kiss her gently on the cheek. Her scent left me helpless again. I always felt like that once I got near her.

"_For me?"_ she asked surprised and I asked myself if another boy has ever given her flowers. How stupid was this Tyler idiot exactly?

"_Of course."_ I answered and she smiled. I made a note to remember that she really likes flowers and promised to bring her every time I could. She watched them carefully and kept smiling more to herself than to me. _"I'm still here you know? Waiting patiently"_ I started after a minute or so has passed like that. I was growing nervous again. She went inside to put them in water and came back in a minute so we finally headed to the car. I noticed that she put the scarf I brought her again and tried to keep my satisfied smile hidden. We intervened hands and I explained her that she might feel a little sick while I drive since with this leg it was hard for me to do so. I honestly haven't driven a car in more than two months and the last time I had to do it was because James needed diapers and Damon was away at work. It took me more than an hour to get back even though the store wasn't that far. She said it was ok and when I set off she had a hard time deciding how she should act so started joking about it myself in order to make the mood lighter and she followed me lead. I was wrong to think that I could be the only one worried tonight. She seemed pretty nervous herself and a few times she searched for my grip, trying to assure herself in something, obviously unknown to me.

I really hoped she wasn't doubting herself. What I wanted to do tonight was show her that her choice wasn't wrong. I didn't need anything else but to make her confident in herself and to help her realize she can trust me, because that was the most important thing in every relationship. If she could feel like she could lean on me in every moment no matter what was going on, than I'm doing it all right.

As we finally got to the place her eyes widened. She obviously didn't think I'll take her out here. Honestly, the place wasn't something that special. It was cool and nice and relatively expensive, but nothing that big so I was a little surprised to see her like that.

"_Stefan…we are going to eat here?"_

"_Yeah, is there something wrong?"_ I was starting to worry again. What if she's been here and she doesn't like the place? Or if the food isn't good, or the people who come here were too fancy? Did I made a bad choice? But Damon and Bonnie also came here once and they told me it was pretty nice, so it can't be that bad, right?

"_No, not at all. I haven't been here in such a long time. I'm just glad you have chosen this place. I really used to like coming here."_ she smiled reassuringly as she finally noticed my confused expression and took my hand in hers in order to calm me down. I accepted her warm embrace and we slowly started walking towards the entrance. Peter has picked me the best table there is-very suitable for my taste, honestly. It was in one of the corners where the light is a little more dim and it made it somehow more romantic. Plus it helped me hid all my physical flaws. The long tablecloth covered my crooked leg and for a moment I looked like a totally normal 18 year old boy.

"Did nobody take you out recently?" I asked casually but a bit curiously. Wasn't there like at least one decent boy in Mystic Falls? How do they treat girls?

"_No."_ she shook her head a little sadly _"Tyler never liked the idea of us spending our time together this way. I haven't really been on a real date if I have to be honest" _she admitted and blushed a lot while lowering her look to the menu. I reached out for her hand and give her a small squeeze as I realized why she was so nervous in the first place. This was a whole new thing for her since obviously none of her former lovers took her out and made her feel special.

"_Hey, it's all good."_ I said sincerely with my barely audible hoarse voice.

**Elena's POV**

He smiled encouragingly and I felt myself relax a little for the first time this evening. There wasn't any judgment in his eyes. He wasn't expecting anything from me. He just wanted us to have a good time, to talk, to smile, joke and eat. And that's exactly what happened. I really didn't know what people are supposed to do at dates. Do they like watch each other uncomfortably, trying to figure out what to say? And how do you eat in front of the boy you have a crush on? What if I messed my shirt? And what about the fact that I eat kind of fast? What he would think of me?

Surprisingly once we started talking I forgot about all those stuff and I almost didn't touch my meal. He ordered himself a big steak and offered me to take a bite and I really liked it which made him very happy. I guess he thought I was one of those innocent sweet slim girls who ate nothing but salads and he admitted that he loved me proving him wrong. So I basically ate half his meal, which was all cool because he didn't mind at all, he only smiled. I've never before seen him smile that much. It was almost unnatural, as if we were both in this dream and this couldn't be happening to us. He held my hand almost all of the time, he said he doesn't like letting me go, this evening especially and I found it cute, though I wasn't sure he understood it at all.

He still thought that a boy can never be cute. We even argued a little on the matter and he said that the only thing a boy should be is responsible and caring towards the girl he likes. Cute doesn't help anyone and he couldn't really get what it meant. He said he remembers a girl in their neighborhood calling Damon cute when they were little so after that they spent the afternoon wondering what exactly does this mean and concluded it's must be something fluffy like their stuffed animals so they went to a mirror to see if there was anything like that on them in that moment. I laughed so much at this that even a few older couples turned towards our table with furrowed eyebrows, but as they saw how young and sincere in our love we were they smiled and got back to their conversations.

I really wanted us to talk more about him but he somehow always turned the subject to me. He seemed so eager to me that evening, so full of light, so excited-I've never seen him like this before. It made me forget about the fact that he had this big circles under his eyes again or that his movements were slow and patient or that he seemed beyond tired. I forgot about reality once he smiled at me. He asked me about how it all went with the dinner last week and about Jenna and my brother. And just everything. And as we started one subject we always somehow went down another road and got to discuss subject like my dreams or my childhood or how I met Caroline and all the naughty stuff we did as girls.

"_You are in a pretty good mood tonight"_ I finally let out almost at the end of the dinner.

"_I'm just…appreciating the fact that such a beautiful girl chose to go out with me."_ he admitted and looked away. _"I consider myself to be a lucky guy these days."_

"_Stefan…you can't make me feel so uncomfortable all the time!"_ I almost scolded him but regretted it once I saw the confusion on his face.

"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."_ he sounded sincere. _"I just…like to compliment you. And if I think you look beautiful tonight, why can't I just say it?"_

"_You can, but um…it really makes me blush."_

"_Well I find that sweet."_ he said and leaned back on the chair with his arms crossed feeling victorious. He has won this one. _"And that's the equivalent for cute for girls, right?"_

I laughed again and he just smiled sincerely, satisfied by the fact that he got something right. He had such a warm smile, behind which I could still see the pain of everything he's ever been through. But that was ok, that made him real. I don't believe half the guys I dated had any idea what it is to struggle and be in pain and to try to support you family. He always seemed so wise to me and down to earth. And I always felt like a stupid high school cheerleader around him that has no idea about anything at all. In his company he treated me as if I was the only girl in the world and I honestly liked that, because it made me forget all the bad stuff in my life and because well..no boy ever treated me like that.

We stayed in the restaurant until after ten when he offered to go out and have a walk before he gets me home, to which I eagerly said yes. I loved walking with him. Just us being together slowly observing all around us was enough for me. As we finally got out after he has helped me put my coat on, I instinctively caught his new jacket and pulled him closer for a kiss. He smiled in the pauses in which we were trying to take our breath and eventually he just grabbed my hands just as I tried to touch his face and kissed me gently on the cheek, blocking all my movements and leaving me helpless. After he decided it was enough he just stopped but didn't pull away, on the contrary, we got closer, our noses touched for a moment and he remained with his eyes closed while I observed his silent moment, wondering what he was thinking about.

He went to buy me hot chocolate again, which was very sweet and this time I started asking him questions. I wanted to know what he did in Chicago since he seemed a little distracted ever since he got back and I was wondering what was going on. He cleared all my suspicious as he admitted that Damon was finally ok with him leaving and I smiled, trying to sound cheerful and supporting, but I couldn't make the pit in my stomach disappear. With every passing day our separation started to seem more and more real. It was like one of those things that you thing you've started accepting but actually you've just put it in the back of your mind and banned yourself from thinking about it because it only makes your heart hurt. And once it really becomes reality you realize how hard everything really is going to be and you start lacking air. I wish I never get there. I just couldn't imagine what it would do to me. And how I'll overcome it.

We arrived home a little after eleven and he pulled me close for a kiss again.

"_I don't want this night to end."_ he whispered and our eyes met.

"_I don't want this life to end."_ I whispered in return and gave him a small kiss _"I like being with you-here, now. And in case you haven't figured that out by now-I really like you. "_

"_I really like you too"_ he smiled and that was it all. He could make me melt from only his hands touching my waist. He pushed me to the side of the house and I prayed that Jenna was already somehow asleep and couldn't hear the excitement we let out of us just being so close to each other. Instinctively he let his hands down my waist but because he was the perfect gentlemen he somehow decided that was inappropriate and pulled them back, but I stopped him and caught his right palm, giving him the permission to touch what he initially wanted to. I felt his lips forming a smile while he continued kissing me. I still wondered how I managed to catch my breath while he was doing that. It felt like he was getting the life out of me-simple so helpless.

I undid some buttons at the bottom of his shirt as my hands were finding their way to his waist and chest. Even though the weather was cold I found him to be too warm again and for a moment I worried that something was going on with him again but he made me forget about it as he continued leaving wet kisses down my neck. My fingers came across something that must have been a scar on his right side and I pulled away concerned, but he stopped me.

"_Elena..it's fine. It's only a scar."_

"_Is that where they.."_ I didn't want to say the word out loud because I didn't want to believe that someone can stab an innocent and honest boy in the stomach like that. I couldn't imagine the pain he must've been in, I didn't want to even think about it but I was and it terrified me. He was one step away from dying and now he wouldn't be standing here, making my world turn upside down only by touching or kissing me and that scared me so much I almost trembled.

"_Yeah. "_ he nodded seriously but he realized I was scared so he tried to make a joke out of it _"It's pretty cool, huh?"_ he added smiling while his hand was still on top of mine in that exact sport and I felt like we were burning up. He removed it though and let me embrace him in a hug. I just wanted to feel his strong arms against my skinny body.

"_It's not cool, Stefan."_ I responded maybe a little harsh and looked down.

"_Well that's because you haven't seen the rest of them."_ he winked, still trying to make something good of the whole situation.

"_How can you joke about that?"_

"_Well I'm not gonna start self pitying myself"_ he sighed, furrowing his eyebrows a little, as if I couldn't understand his logic at all _"so I could at least try to find the good in it."_

"_There is nothing good in you being almost dead."_

"_There is good in every single thing in this world. Even in the worst of them. It's hard to see it sometimes, because the good gets consumed by the darkness, but if you remember to look for it and realize that it's just in front of you it can be beautiful. Me being here now, being alive-that's the good. Because if I wasn't I couldn't do that" _he leaned and kissed me gently on the cheek._"Or that" _and he poked me in the ribs and I chuckled _"And I wouldn't be able to get the most beautiful girl in town out to dinner tonight."_ I smiled in return. I wanted to admit to him how much I was in love with him right now. I wanted him to know what he's doing to me, how he's making the good in me come out too. To thank him that he saw it and believed in it in my worse moments.

But I couldn't. I don't know what was it that just stuck up in my throat and even got me scared-why was I silent? Why wasn't I being honest with the only guy that deserved it? What was stopping me?

"_Umm..Elena"_ we almost jumped realizing that Jenna has silently opened the door and was staring at both of us with her hands crossed and a little angry expression. I knew she wasn't really like that, she just wanted to play tough and seem like a responsible parent. She wasn't that mad that she caught us snuggling on her front porch or anything…I hope? _"It's past eleven thirty so you might wanna get inside."_

"_Yeah.."_ I said a little nervously and smiled towards Stefan, who seemed kind of uncomfortable that our aunt caught us with our hands all over each other. He even blushed and caught his hat in his hands, nervously playing with it. _"Good night, Stefan."_ I said and winked him playfully as Jenna finally turned her back towards us. He relaxed a little and wished good night politely to my aunt, even though she was no longer paying attention to him, then smiled at me and slowly faded away into the night.

I didn't want him to leave like that. Not before I've told him all I wanted. I had this bad feeling in my stomach and thought I have to say the words out loud or something might screw up. But then again why rush? It was all good until now, all going slowly and it was perfect-it made my feelings stronger. To say something now would be a mistake, it might scare him away. It might scare _**me **_if I decided to admit it. Once you say you are in love with someone it becomes a little more real. And reality is something that I hated and avoided as best as I could, because I believed it made me feel safer.

But did it really?


	14. Chapter 14

**Stefan's POV**

I was sitting on the bench in our back yard, full of questions again, watching the sky and cursing everything around me.

I was tired, feeling as if someone has beaten me up again and left me somewhere with all the bad stuff on my mind to deal with alone. I was trying to enjoy my last cigarette, hoping that somehow it shall provide me with more time and keep my mind away from whatever was going inside the house. My brother would probably wake up soon again and I had to go inside.

He got sick with the flu, or at least that's what we thought until the doctor said it has progressed into a bronchitis. In the past two weeks he hasn't left the house and me and Bonnie had to take care of him. Though, this wasn't a place for her and James, especially not when she was pregnant, so eventually she agreed to going for a few days at her mother's place until Damon heals completely. She didn't want to leave his side at all and I guess there was the fact that I barely took care of myself, let alone deal with another sick person, but with many persuasions from me and my brother she agreed with the condition that she calls me every two hours and to which I agreed even though I realized it would mean I won't be getting any sleep. As I looked at my watch I realized it's been more than 48 hours since I've woken up and that somehow didn't seem so much considering how fast the time passed. At least he was finally getting better and Bonnie was coming home soon, because I don't know how much more I would be able to keep myself together. Especially since I haven't taken any of my own pills lately besides from the basic painkillers which didn't help at all.

If it wasn't for Peter and Elena they would've probably kicked me out of school too, but they both helped me give in most of the assignments and I went to all the classes where we were supposed to make important exams. Other than that I mainly skipped school, because I either had to take care of him or go to work for a night shift, in which time I remained nervous as hell that something might happen to him while I'm away. I asked Emma to take a look at him every three hours until I got home so she was probably out biggest support and I silently thanked for Bonnie 's ability to make friends fast. Damon was supposed to rest until next week but he was already being stubborn claiming that he should be back to work on Monday and I have been fighting with him since yesterday, though I wasn't progressing in any way. It was almost two in the morning and I was sure he'll wake up coughing soon enough, just because that's what's been repeating in the last five days. I hated seeing him like that and finally understood what he's been through with me. Watching your closest person in pain wasn't the worst thing that can happen in life-being unable to help him is. The medications, the doctors-they stop being effective once you have to support another person to the table or get him through the bathroom or keep him in your arms while he coughs his lungs out. And then you realize nothing helps or if it does-it's not effective and fast enough. That's how it must have been for him when I couldn't move my ass a meter away from the bed. Not that now is that different, he just doesn't know about it. And I was dealing with it all by myself, which is how it should've been back then too.

Elena and me-we couldn't really spent much time together, but even the sweet fifteen minutes after I've finished work were irreplaceable for me. And I hoped for her too. She seemed very tired lately, because she was studying day and night, trying to keep her grades up. Peter on the other hand was training almost all by himself, I really couldn't find time for him, not now and they had a big game in the upcoming week in which, we were finally hoping, that scouts would notice him. I felt bad for neglecting them both but Elena forbid me from even saying that I feel guilty about it and she scolded me a lot for thinking such stuff. She understood that now I had a family issue and I had to deal with it. Moreover, I owed so much to my brother, I could never repay him. I guess that's what kept me going in those hell-ish weeks. She was so supportive and she still managed to find time for me late after midnight when we would talk on the phone for hours, even though she was sleepy and I was beyond tired.

She never left my side, she didn't want to and I only wished to admit how much I needed her but every time I tried starting the subject she managed to prevent me from going on, so I guessed she just doesn't want us to go into such details about our feelings yet and I was ok with it. She was insecure when it came to discussing whatever was going on between us as a serious relationship and I wasn't in any rush. I acted as if I wasn't gonna leave in a few months, as if my life here has no expiration day, as if I would stay forever like this-happy and in love and I knew I wouldn't, but I just didn't have the heart to admit it to myself, to face that it was all just an illusion. A good one though. I liked thinking it would last forever. The bad thing is I'm not that foolish anymore.

Life is not a dream. It can't be perfect, you can't have it all. Things turn upside down in order to test you, but not to necessary make you tougher or wiser. Sometimes they screw up beyond repair and leave you helpless or alone. It's like that and it's never going to change. The sky, the stars I was looking at, they would remain long after I was gone, while my life continues to be inconsistent and lack a meaning. Nothing worth-remembering would happen, nothing would ever become significant. And that tortured me, it kept bugging me and left me wondering when it came to finding sense in things to hold on to.

But as I entered my brother's room and saw him awake again, coughing as bad as it was the previous days I realized I have bigger problems than to figure what was my place in the world and what it all meant, because right now it only mattered how he is and if he's going to feel better. I stayed with him for another hour, trying to ease him with the medications and a big dosage of tea until eventually, after he has kept blabbing for an hour that he's fine and I should go to bed and leave him the hell alone( he cursed a lot when he was in pain), he finally fell asleep and I went to my own room hoping to get some sleep myself, though I knew I probably wouldn't and I turned out to be right so I decided to write some in the notebook I always carried with me. I've been doing it a lot lately-putting down not only what has happened, but also some thoughts and stuff I always seemed to pay more attention to. I didn't stop until I realized it was morning and I had to start getting myself ready for work. I made myself coffee and prepared a big breakfast for Damon, which he almost finished and that was surely a good sign. I was just glad that Bonnie and James were coming back tomorrow since it would definitely lighten up his mood and improve his whole condition. I even made him move a little more today and got him out in the backyard for a few minutes. He was dying for a cigarette, but of course that was impossible so I just poured him a big cup of coffee and distract him as much as I could from his desires. I was sure that if Bonnie was home he wouldn't even think of smoking, but because he craved for her and missed her like hell he was willing to give in all sorts of forbidden pleasures. Eventually I left him at the kitchen couch, watching footballs, hoping that he would eventually just doze off, which happened even before I got out.

As I tried to put my shoes on I staggered and almost fell. I had to wait for another few minutes completely still until the pain left me. I let a deep sigh out and slowly limped away to the bus station. Somehow I believed that that problem will sort himself out, but deep down I was starting to lack confidence and yet I preferred to live like that and withstand all the pain I could, because there were other people in my family that needed me now and I had to be there for them.

**Elena's POV**

I went by the factory around half past ten and sat on the bench where I usually waited for Stefan. The night wasn't at all cold, unlike the previous ones. I hugged my bag in which I've put Stefan's sandwich and smiled to myself, happy that I will finally see him, maybe for a little more since his brother was getting better and wouldn't need his immediate presence all the time.

In those past two weeks Stefan seemed more tired than ever to me. I don't think he was sleeping at all , but I doubted that was the biggest problem. I guess whatever was inside him kept him nervous- he was worried about Damon, wondering what he should do, how he should help him. Mainly he was trying to figure out how to manage and deal with everything he was supposed to do. I was wondering how he kept himself sane-I would've probably gone crazy. He had so many things on his plate it was a miracle he found time to eat and take a nap every twelve hours. On top of it- he even went to work. I tried to help him with whatever I could, but somehow it seemed as if it was never enough and I felt bad about it.

I smiled as I remembered that he told me he was grateful that I was calling him all the time. It made me blush and I weirdly changed the subject without saying anything in return. But it made me feel good, it made me feel wanted.

Now, he was getting late and I started worrying. He wasn't looking good lately and that made me quite nervous, but he always avoided my questions when I asked him if he is really fine. I watched all the other employers leave, even the boy who often worked with him when they were unloading the trucks. I remembered his face and as he passed by me I found myself staring at the front door and felt my hands getting a little colder than usually. I don't know why I had this bad pit in my stomach, this week everything was going upside down and I was often annoyed either with Caroline or angry that I can't get all my work done and now this…I only wished he could finally come out.

And he did, but as I saw him barely walking and trying to support himself while leaning on the the door I stood up abruptly and almost dropped my bag.

I practically ran towards him.

He didn't see me at first because he has leaned back at the front wall and was looking around him for the nearest bench. He couldn't really stay up and needed something to support him. I silently cursed and as I finally got closer I noticed how pale he really was. He looked at me scared and confused. He didn't expect to see me here. It was actually supposed to be a surprise. Something to make him feel better, to help him forget all his worries. Was I really that blind-he couldn't walk, how did I not see this coming? Now all the moments he abruptly hang up on me and the times he insisted on me leaving earlier in the nights made sense-he didn't want me to see him like this. What was happening now has probably been repeating in the past two weeks, though at this moment it seemed worse, because I've never seen him so helpless before and it scared me out of my mind.

"_Stefan"_ I came by his side and caught him before he could have the chance to collapse on the cold ground.

"_Elena"_ he whispered and leaned his head back. I noticed his eyes were dizzy and his hand was too warm _"What are you doing here?"_

I neglected his question and stared at him with my furrowed eyebrows.

"_What's wrong?"_ I asked while trying to pull myself together since I was feeling my hands were starting to treble. He wasn't heavy but I was still too weak to support him and I realized we needed help though I had no idea who to call. He was obviously thinking about the same thing and he nodded me towards the nearest bench while in the same time trying to calm me down by gently caressing my palm with his thumb, even though it should be the other way around. We barely made two steps and he stopped. I was afraid he'll fall and I caught myself praying. Just words like "God, just a few more steps, just a few more" and that repeated for the next few minutes while we stood there and he tried to find whatever strength he was left with inside him so we can finally sit.

As we did I immediately intervened my fingers with his but his eyes remained closed. I could see he was barely trying to keep himself together and not lose conscious.

"_Stefan. What the hell is going on?"_

"_Call Peter."_ he let out silently and finally looked at me _"Call him, he knows what to do."_

"_What? But-"_

"_Elena, just do it."_ he raised his voice a little but he wasn't cutting me off, he was trying to persuade me it was the right thing _"He's seen me like that. He knows" _he started repeating his previous sentence but didn't have the strength to finish it and closed his eyes again while tightening his grip as he was undergoing another pain attack. I searched for his phone and dialed Peter's number. As he heard my voice he figured there was something wrong. It was like he knew why Stefan could be calling him so late and I wondered again how many times before that has happened. He said to wait for him there, that he's coming as fast as I could, but that only got me more nervous. I didn't know how much time we could stay like that. The night was getting cold and I found he has started to tremble and his eyes were still closed as if he thought that when he opens them I might see all his pain and he didn't want to scare me. I realized he was thinking about not hurting me even when he was on the verge of losing his mind from what was killing him inside. I pulled his head down to my arms so he could lean on something.

"_I'm sorry"_ he whispered as I gave him a small kiss on the forehead. He was burning up.

"_Why are you apologizing?"_ I asked confused. Did he felt guilty again for something.

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"_ he kept repeating and I realized he might not be talking to me at all. That he was probably delirious since he was in such pain. I tightened my grip again and stroke his hair a little in order to calm him down. _"I'm sorry, I really am."_

"_It's fine, Stefan."_ I whispered, trying to give him the impression that it was all good and he wasn't struggling with pain in the middle of the night, hugged in me, feeling all vulnerable, waiting for his best friend to come help him, because he couldn't just tell his family. He didn't want to do this to them and yet he was willing to sacrifice his own comfort so that they could keep believing that he was fine and there was nothing wrong with him. _"It's all gonna be ok." _I kept soothing him and he continued breathing heavily in my hands until Peter finally arrived. He really did came as fast as he could, considering he was still at the gym as I called him.

He practically jumped off the car and ran towards us just as I did when I realized what was going on. He wasn't at all gentle with Stefan like I was. He practically ripped him off of my embrace and made him stand sit and with his eyes open.

"_Stefan! Wake up."_ he shook his shoulders and I noticed Stefan finally meeting his gaze after a few minutes of watching everything but his friend _"Hey, hey, you here with me, yeah?" _he continued shaking him and I wanted to scold him for doing so but I realized he probably knew what he was doing.

He seemed so pissed off, his face was red and his voice was very stern, but deep down I could catch him worrying and trying to cover it, because right now he had to seem strong.

"_Peter"_ Stefan let out silently

"_Where are your pills?"_ Peter didn't pay attention to his friend's pleading voice and waited impatiently for Stefan to give him an answer but since he didn't he started turning up his pockets _"Where are they?"_

"_I don't.."_ Stefan started and he freed his hand from mine only to catch the side of the bench. Was he afraid that he could hurt me _"I haven't"_ he stuttered again _"taken.."_

Peter threw his hands in the air and started cursing.

"_Jesus Christ, Stefan! Are you out of your freaking mind?"_

"_Peter"_ I tried to intervene. They both acted as if I wasn't there at all, but Peter just threw me an angry glance and leaned down to Stefan again.

"_For how long?"_

"_Two weeks... or so."_ he said with his hoarse voice, barely speaking. As if the words were a burden he had to carry with himself too.

"_You stubborn idiot!"_ he almost yelled.

"_Peter!"_ I stood up abruptly only to face his angry and annoyed expression.

"_Don't Peter me"_ he finally turned towards me _"if he was listening to what people are telling him he wouldn't be like that."_ I furrowed my eyebrows confused and was about to ask what was this all about but Stefan interrupted me.

"_Peter just…help me please. I can't go home like that."_

"_Well maybe you should."_ I could see how angry he was _"Maybe I should just go to your brother and tell him everything since you are not going to do it."_

"_Would someone care to explain me what is this all about?"_ they suddenly both remained silent and looked at each other for a minute. Stefan's stare was pleading. He didn't want me to know. He was trying to keep his secrets away from me and that made me angry. Why was he trying to hide this so hard? Didn't he want me there for him? Peter ran his fingers towards his hand and made a few steps up and down while probably trying to figure what exactly he should do next.

"_Come on"_ he finally said defeated and gently tried to help Stefan stand up_ "Slowly now. It's going to be fine"_ he even started reassuring him and they both moved patiently until we finally reached Peter's jeep and he turned towards me. _"You should go home. I can take it from here."_

"_No way."_ I stated stubbornly and with a very cold voice. He was doing nothing but ignore me ever since he came and that was no way to treat a girl. I was the one who called him after all.

"_Elena"_ Stefan intervened with his weak voice.

"_I'm not leaving your side until I know you are fine."_ I was really nervous and practically yelled at them both. Couldn't they get it? I wouldn't be able to fall asleep if I knew Stefan was somewhere in pain and I'm not there to at least try and take care of him.

"_God, you're stubborn."_ Peter finally nodded and I helped him put Stefan in the backseat. In a minute he was already heading downtown. I noticed that Stefan closed his eyes the minute we put him in a horizontal position.

"_He needs a doctor."_

"_No, we're going to the pharmacy to take him drugs. "_

"_But-"_

"_The doctor won't tell him anything he doesn't already know, Elena. I've been there done that. Trust me."_

"_What is this all about? Why is he like this?"_ I desperately needed to find a reason behind all this. And most importantly-how long it has been happening and how on earth did I not notice it before?

"_We'll talk later."_ he answered me vaguely and I noticed him looking at the mirror, keeping an eye on Stefan and his heavy breathing in the backseat. In a few minutes he pulled up in front of the only non-stop working pharmacy we had in Mystic Falls and looked up for Stefan's wallet where he was supposed to be keeping the doctor's prescription. He found it quite easily and hopped out of the car before I could count even try and offer to come with him.-Stay here. Sometimes he gets delirious and tries to stand up.-he added as he was just about to close the door.

It took him quite a while to come back and as he did he was even more mad than before and his face expressed something bigger than anger. I couldn't stop feeling nervous and concerned and was still not sure if not going to the doctor was the right decision but after all I had to trust Peter, since Stefan was obviously doing it. I didn't ask him anything until we got to their house, because I could see how mad he was and I didn't want to provoke him unnecessarily. He was scared, just like me, but he covered it with all the negative feelings he could have inside him now and I found this fact sad.

He practically carried Stefan to the house and made me open the door for them after which he led me to a room somewhere in the left corner of the first floor. Stefan has started mumbling something to himself and was in this place between reality and dream. We put him down on the bed and I wanted to make him lean down but Peter stopped me.

"_No, keep him sitting straight."_ he ordered and took out all the pills he has bought from his pocket. Then went out to get some water. Stefan wasn't paying attention to me at all, he was silently observing only Peter's actions and even though I was caressing his back and whispering to him that it shall all be fine I don't believe he was letting any of my words sink in. I tried taking off his jacket but he didn't want me to since he still felt cold

"_No, no, leave me alone"_

"_Stefan"_ I shook my head and tried to make him look me in the eyes.

"_Leave me."_

"_Will you stop bashing on the people trying to help you?"_ Peter said loud as he finally returned back in the room with a glass of water and helped me get him undressed.

"_Dylan, leave me alone."_ he repeated again and we realized that he wasn't at all here with us again, which made us avoid each other's glances since that fact hurt too much. Peter didn't found it necessary to explain to him that he's not Dylan. He just made him take the pills and I helped him change his shirt. I realized this was the first I saw him half-naked and I tried to prevent myself from blushing though I felt my cheeks turning red and looked away so Peter wouldn't notice it. Stefan wasn't joking when he said he has many scars-he really did and that made me feel guilty-for what, I wasn't really sure of, but it was just that bad pit in my stomach that refused to leave me. We tried putting on the t-shirt but he started protesting again. He was stubborn and it has started making me angry. I knew he wasn't himself right now and I shouldn't really be blaming him for anything but I just realized why was Peter scolding him so much-he was the biggest masochist I've ever seen in this world.

"_I'm not gonna leave you"_ he answered with his angry tone again and pushed him back so he can finally lean down and nodded me towards the pillows on the chair next to me. _"And I'm Peter, not Dylan."_ I looked up at Stefan and found him finally realizing that he's not where he thought he was. He was letting it all sink in. I guess in some moments he was here and in others he just gave in to the pain and lost himself in the non-reality.

"_Peter"_ he let out and for a moment our gazes met but he hurried to look away. Was he feeling uncomfortable with me being here? _"I'm fine."_

"_Yeah, right. You know I've heard you say this so many times and I'm still somehow not that dumb to believe it."_ he threw a blanket over him and Stefan let a big sight out, annoyed that someone was treating him like a kid. He wasn't a kid, we knew that, but he was in pain and that changed things, even if he didn't want to admit it

"_Peter"_ he tried raising up but his friend put him back down

"_Go to sleep now."_ Stefan didn't protest anymore and closed his eyes. I knew he wasn't asleep yet because I caught his hand and he tightened his grip. In fifteen minutes he was out and Peter went to take a cup of coffee for me and a glass of bourbon for himself. We sat back there and remained in silence for a while just watching Stefan asleep, finally in some peace with himself. I had so many questions I needed the answers to. I knew maybe now wasn't the time to ask them since Peter himself seemed pretty tired but I had to understand. I needed to.

"_I have the feeling this isn't the first time you're doing all this?" _I started and he shook his head while still staring at his glass, as if alcohol was the essence of life and nothing else matter. Or was he trying to calm himself down with it? To make himself feel better and to stop his hands from trembling-because I could see him finally giving in and shaking a little, just as I was a little before he came_. "How many?"_

"_Three or four, I lost count. Or more like-I didn't feel like remembering all the nights my friend couldn't get himself home."_ I felt like I don't need to ask him questions, somehow he was up to talking to me finally. I couldn't figure if he felt lonely or if he needed to tell me because of the greater good. _"He needs you, you know? You're probably the only person that can persuade him to take care of himself since it's obvious I failed that task."_ he added, disappointment evident in his voice.

"_You didn't"_ I said in disbelief, but he shook his head again and avoided my look. The room was filled with that heaviness, like there was something preventing us from breathing, like something was suffocating us. I couldn't figure if it was the pain the boy before us felt or if it was our grief and guilt filling up the whole universe around us. We were three broken people staying in the same room, trying to figure out what to do, how to continue from now on, what to change, what to be afraid of and what to let in.

I, for one, was already regretting my choices. I should've told Stefan everything that was on my mind. I should've admitted it, because if I've learned from anything in my life by now it was that exactly when you think you have time, you don't and it can be taken away from you in less than a minute.

**Stefan's POV **

I woke up, feeling the sharp pain, that's been with me in the last few weeks find its way up to the center of my whole human being, and opened slowly my eyes just as someone squeezed my hand, though it took me a few minutes to focus and define who it was.

"_Elena"_ I let out and she came closer to me, sitting on the side of the bed while I tried to get myself up, but she put me back down by touching me gently on the chest. I looked around and realized I wasn't dreaming-she was really here and this was Peter's house. I started remembering what happened-she was waiting for me in front of the factory and then I made her call Peter, once I realized I can't make it by myself. I seriously can't figure out why I felt so bad since I was fine the morning before that. Were things really starting to screw up or was I just more tired than usually and couldn't withstand the pain? She continued holding my hand and I finally realized there were tears in her eyes that she was desperately trying to keep from falling. I pulled her hand and made her lean a little-Lie next to me.-I let out and moved a little even if it caused me pain so she can join me and put her head on the pillow as well. For a minute or two we lay there only staring at each other's eyes and I couldn't help but feel beyond sad, only because I managed to read the same thing in her brown ocean of darkness. She was hopeless again. And I was the reason for it. I moved one of her locks behind her ear and gently put my hand on her cheek with the initial intention to move away but she stopped me and put her palm above mine while closing her eyes and letting a few tears finally find their way onto the clean white sheets. _"Elena"_

"_Don't."_ she whispered-Don't tell me it's all fine, that you're good, because it's only a lie and we both know it.-I wiped a tear away with my thumb as if I was trying to make her feel better, to help her relax, but she understood the meaning behind that and shook her head again _"Peter told me everything. About Atlanta, about you hiding it from me, from your brother and everyone. About how many times he came to find you like this and you never listened to him and I…I just honestly can't get why you never told me.'_

It was time for me to close my eyes, not because I didn't want to face her but because I was afraid she could see the pain passing through me again and I definitely tried to avoid it at all costs right now.

"_Because I am in love with you"_ to hell with everything I said to myself. It was the truth, she better knows it _"I am in love with you "_I repeated and opened my eyes only to face her confused look. She didn't pull away though. She caught my hand and I leaned closer to her, touching her forehead with mine _"That's why. I never want to hurt you so I decided that you shouldn't know. I didn't consider it to be a problem really, to be honest I still don't. It's something I've accepted and I'm trying to deal with it all by myself."_

"_Well you can't do that."_ she interrupted me _"You just can't. There are people around you-me, Peter, your brother, his family-they care about you."_

"_This is my weight to carry"_ I raised my voice a little, not trying to sound rude at all, just being completely honest while expressing whatever was on my mind right now _"It all happened because of me and now I need to live with it. It doesn't mean I have to make others do the same. It's not their burden, not their problem."_

"_God, you are just so stubborn, Stefan! Can't you see it? I'm not gonna stop worrying. I'm not going to leave you, I'm here, now, it's almost dawn and I'm here with you because you're scaring me out of my mind and because I can't help myself! I want to be next to you, to kiss you, to hold your hand, to talk to you and you're just throwing all that away because you don't want people to care about you. You're not letting them do that. Why? What is so scary? They won't leave you! I'm here, are you listening to me?"_ I've closed my eyes again, unable to face her and refuse to open them until she finally presses her lips against mine and I let it all be _"I'm here, Stefan Salvatore and for your information I am madly in love with you too."_ I smiled and our foreheads touched again and we stood like this for ..I don't know half an hour? More? But we weren't sleeping. Sometimes we stared at each other or we would just give each other small kisses on the cheek, but mostly we would stay like still, in each other's arms and I realized I don't want anything more on this world but to remain like this forever. The pain I felt was nothing to compare with the ache I felt in my heart as I realized we can't. _"Stefan?"_she asked finally _"Don't you dare leave me, you stubborn asshole."_ I smiled and gave her another kiss again, but didn't respond. I was afraid to. And I hated promises_."You hear me?"_she insisted though. She wanted me to say the words out loud, even though she knew I was already thinking them.

"_I won't."_ I caressed her back and pulled her closer only to realize how wet my shirt was again. That didn't disgust her though, it was like she didn't pay any attention to it at all and pressed her even closer only to bury her face in my shoulder_."I won't."_ she raised up a little and kissed me on the forehead but not because she wanted to grant me with a sweet gesture but because she wanted to see if I'm still warm.

"_You're burning up again."_ her eyes were filled with worry.

"_Shh."_ I tried to sooth her and made her hug back next to me again _"I'm gonna be fine before noon, you'll see. It just takes some time."_

She remained silent and I buried my nose in her hair-it smelled so good it gave me chills. God, I loved everything about her. I don't want to ever be torn away from her, that's how attached I was already. Let me just remain like this forever-I'm willing to give everything for that. I only need her-reality and problems and guilt-nothing existed when her small hands were pressed to my chest. I kept thinking about it until I realized that she has fallen asleep. She must have been so tired-up all night because of me. She didn't deserve that, not in this moment after she was just starting to get better and accept the death of her parents. I should've pulled away, but now it was too late and even though I was contradicted I couldn't leave her, because I needed her so much. I couldn't really pin point when I started feeling like that, but I was certain that it would either be the thing that saves me or the one that crushes me to the point where I'm just unable to go on anymore, but I found myself feeling fearless about that fact.

Let it all be-I'm in love.

And I'm not alone.


	15. Chapter 15

**For all of you who have the intentions to read this chapter, I need to inform you that I suck at writing steamy/ sexy stuff so I'm apologizing in advance for that part of this update.**

**Though I've written it quite bad, this chapter is probably still a little above the K-K+ rate so bear this in mind. **

**Thank you all for the amazing reviews. Enjoy!**

**Stefan's POV**

I was sitting on the kitchen couch, with James in my hands, trying to make him sit in one single place since lately all he wanted was to try and walk around and right now I wasn't up for doing that at all since my whole body hurt from unloading the trucks again. He was growing up so fast it left me almost desperate-I still remember the first time they let me hold him-he was so little and helpless and his tiny feet were kicking up in the empty air and now what-he wanted to walk already? When did that happen? But why was I even surprised-he was soon to turn one and I was so happy to see him become a big boy. He was strong and naughty, beyond all of it though-he was stubborn and reckless like me brother. That's why I eventually gave up on trying to make him sit in my lap and we stood up. He held my hand tight and started taking small steps around the kitchen. He was so persistent I couldn't catch my breath and he was still blabbing his sounds which made no sense for me.

"_Say uncle"_ I started trying to make him give me the recognition I hoped I deserved.

"_Uh"_ he would let out clearly not up to dealing with my pleading

"_OK, then say Stefan"_

"_Tetaaaaaan"_

"_No, Stefan"_ I let a sigh out while trying to hold back my laugh. He didn't like it when someone was laughing at him and he often cried if anyone dared to do so

"_Tetan"_ he repeated and looked up at me with a big smile.

"_Great, that's a progress. Now what do you say we sit down for a little huh?"_ I grabbed him and put him in my lap before he could protest. Bonnie has left some candies on the table so I took a lollipop and opened it for him. He was eager to grab it out of my hands and push it in his mouth and as he finally did he went silent and stared at the TV screen.

Bonnie was pissed off at me that I've left Damon alone the other night and when I eventually came home from Peter's house with Elena's support, she scolded me big time as I was trying to look strong while eating my dinner. Somehow she didn't notice that something was off, or if she did, she just probably thought I was tired.

I couldn't sleep the next few days and Elena became the biggest pain in my ass. She was constantly worrying now and I had to explain her that it was all fine and that I feel good even if I wasn't, but she made me go to the doctor the other day and after it we had a big fight. She was just so mad at me and I was trying to make her understand that I have my opinion on it and I'm not going to change it no matter how much Peter and her are insisting. So of course, after our row, she didn't call me for two nights or so and eventually, last night, I swallowed my pride and dialed her almost at midnight. She was still quite pissed, but after we talked for half an hour or so she started sounding like before. I knew she wouldn't just be ok with it all, but I needed her to understand me, because I was madly in love and I was going crazy when I couldn't see her. I asked her to go to the fun fair with me tonight and she agreed, so I was looking forward to that. It meant she was starting to forgive me or so I hoped. I didn't want to screw things up between us. That's what I always did, now it had to be different. I had to make it right, otherwise there was no point in it at all.

James got restless and wanted to stand up again so I supported him while he eagerly wandered the whole kitchen one more time. This boy was so energetic. If only I had his power, I could work so much more. I couldn't really keep on going that much though, so eventually I caught him in my arms again and went with him in the back yard. It was relatively warm but I put one of his blankets over and he smiled as he saw we are somewhere different from the familiar inside. He saw my old basket ball on the grass and stretched his hands down towards it. I put him back on his feet and he tried kicking it but it was too heavy so he looked up at me with a sad and misunderstanding face.

"_Tetaaaan?"_

"_Oh you want me to kick it yeah? OK now you see, James you just need to eat some more and you'll be all good in that."_ I kicked the ball with my healthy leg only a few meters away from us and he smiled, happy that at least one of us was able to complete the task. _"Cool isn't it? But that's for throwing, not for kicking."_ he turned with a confused expression and he stretched his hands again, this time begging me to take him. I did but sat down on the bench, because I would've probably lost my balance _"You're going to grow up, yeah? And you'll throw this ball just like I did. You'll even be better than me. And don't you believe when your father tells you that football is better for you, cause you're going to be a real good basketball player. Like your uncle Peter for example."_ he was trying to figure out what I was saying and eventually he leaned his head on my chest and started playing with the buttons of my shirt. He has removed two yesterday and now he wanted to complete his task. _"You just won't drink. And you won't get in troubles like us. So when I get all old and I can't move my ass up, I'll be watching you play in the NBA from my small TV in my stupid dark flat and you won't even remember this day cause you're too little now. But I will."_ I kissed him on the head and stood up to get inside. I could feel him getting sleepy. _"I love you, James."_ I whispered as I put him in his crib and put the blanket over him while his eyes were almost closing.

"_You're spoiling him too much."_ I heard my brother's hoarse voice from the kitchen door and he entered with Bonnie following right behind him. He put the groceries on the table and she started sorting them out. Her belly was getting bigger with every passing week. I think they were soon to tell her the sex of the baby. She wasn't angry at me anymore, but she looked tired tonight. And she was still worried about Damon, even though he was way much better now. I felt bad that she was always thinking about everything-we wouldn't survive a day without her.

"_I'm not."_ I denied the truth again and sat back on the couch, feeling pretty much tired and sleepy myself.

"_How was work?"_ Bonnie asked casually while Damon joined me and switched on the sports channel

"_Ugh I don't want to watch football, brother"_ I tried getting the remote from him but he pulled his hand up and I couldn't catch it from the position I was in _"And it was fine, Daniel is still an asshole."_

"_There's a big game on tonight, Stefan. I'm not missing it because of your stupid basketball."_

"_It's not stupid! I wanna see at least the first quarter cause I'm going out later."_

"_You going out with Elena again?"_ Bonnie asked again while me and my brother were already almost fighting on the couch about the remote and I was on the verge of falling on the floor, just like when we were little.

"_Yep."_ I let out through while still grunting and trying to reach for his arm _"Damon!"_

"_What!? I just came home after shopping for an hour with my wife-you have mercy on me!"_

"_No way. I haven't watched TV for a week and it's not much I'm asking for!"_

"_Boys!"_ Bonnie intervened pretending to be angry _"Stop acting like you're twelve already. Even James has more brains than you do."_

"_But it's my turn! He spent last night here drinking his bourbon and watching after midnight."_ I protested and gave her a puppy face which made her softer.

"_While you kept making hellish noise in the basement."_

"_I'm making your children's cribs, you idiot!"_

"_Damon let him watch some for god's sakes."_

"_Oh come on now!"_ he protested but she looked at him sternly _"Really, Bonnie?"_ she nodded and he sighted, clearly giving up. I got the remote from him easily now that he wasn't trying to hide it away and he punched me in the shoulder while she wasn't watching just to get it back.

"_I heard that, Damon."_ he grunted and I switched on the basketball game with a big smile on my face. _"Jesus, why am I raising three kids!"_ she added clearly considering me, Damon and James to be unable to take care of ourselves, which wasn't really far from the truth.

"_Soon they will be four!"_ my brother stated

"_No, they'll still be three"_ I said implying that I'm still leaving soon. Bonnie suddenly stopped cleaning the plate she had in her hands and turned towards us again while Damon tensed next to me

"_They'll always be four no matter where they go."_ she said seriously and I felt like my mother was scolding me so I just stared at the screen, avoiding her look._ "You hear me , Stefan?"_ she added and turned back to the sink

"_Yeah"_ I answered barely audible and Damon threw me a winning look. Now I was being screwed up too.

"_Good"_ she said still somehow offended by my words-You better stop saying such stuff or Damon will be enjoying his football game soon.

"_So how's the Gilbert girl?"_ asked Damon with the attempt to lighten the mood.

"_Oh come on, let me watch the damn game."_

"_Why so grumpy now?"_ he continued teasing me and I understood he's not going to leave me alone until I answered him but I remained silent nevertheless and continued staring at the screen so he grabbed me under his shoulder and started rubbing his fist in my hair like he used to do when we were little.

"_Ugh, Damon! You're such an asshole."_ I let out while trying to get away. He understood that I'm not in the mood to talk about it so he finally went up to poor himself a glass of bourbon and then went to take a shower, leaving me and Bonnie alone in the kitchen.

"_So is everything good with Elena?"_ she asked after she heard that the commercials were back on and I could be disturbed. I continued starting at the screen.

"_We're..fighting some."_

"_Well that's good. It means it's all real."_ I remained silent and that got her suspicious _"But I guess that's what scares you, huh?"_

"_No, what scares me is that I'm crazy about her and I just want to be with her all the time but I know that it's bound to hurt both of us in the end and I don't know what to do. There are moments where I'm heading to her house with the initial intention to explain her that there is no point in getting even more serious, but as soon as she throws herself in me, I forget all about it and the only thing that's on my mind is how I don't want to let her go. Ever. And that's leaving me…helpless."_

"_Oh God… you love her, don't you?"_ she turned around again, clearly both surprised and satisfied by the fact that she is probably right.

"_I.."_

"_It's ok, you don't have to say it."_ she added as she realized how nervous I suddenly became. She left whatever she was preparing on the kitchen plot and came closer to me _"You put your brother's shirt on tonight, yeah? You look good in it."_

"_It's too big."_ I protested while staring at the screen.

"_But it's new."_ she concluded, as if it was suddenly supposed to make everything fine _"You put it on."_ she said again, without giving me the opportunity to oppose her anymore _"Do you have money?"_

"_Yeah."_ I tried sounding confident but she didn't really believe me so she got out a few dollars of her back pocket and put them in my hand

"_Get her some flowers."_

"_Bonnie!"_ I tried protesting. She was spending enough money on me already, she didn't need to give me more back. Plus those were probably from her working with Emma the past few night. She needed them for James and for Damon.

"_Oh, get over yourself."_ she slapped me on the shoulder _"Go get ready. A lady should never wait for her man."_

"_I'm not her man."_

"_You are. You won her already. If she's mad at you about whatever, it means she cares so much that she's angry about you being stubborn or acting stupid. But she'll forgive you, cause you are a boy and you are foolish, young and in love and you're supposed to make mistakes. So is she." _she then leaned on and kissed me on the forehead like she often did with James. _"Go fix it all. She's worth it."_

"_Yeah I know…I know she is."_

**Elena's POV**

Stefan rang on my door exactly at seven in the evening, dressed in his now not-that-new jacket and a plaid blue and red shirt that looked a little big on him so I concluded it should be his brother's. He smiled at me and I tried smiling too, though I was still so mad at him. I knew he wanted to take me out and make everything better, he wanted me to forgive him when there was nothing he has actually done wrong. I was just mad at him for being so stubborn and for not wanting to take care of himself or listen to what the doctors were telling him. I was angry, but I was like that because I cared about him and I couldn't keep pretending to be so tough, especially not when he gave me flowers or walked with me hand in hand down the street. Just by his touch I was going insane and I wanted to kiss him already, but I was stubbornly trying to prove my point.

I had to win this fight, because of him, not because of me. Resisting now would be a gift for later. Or at least that's what I hoped.

He leaned down to kiss me but I moved away and shook my head.

"_No way, Stefan. You're still in trouble."_

"_Oh come on! It's been three days, give it a rest."_

"_Did you give yourself a rest when you went to work all those three days? Or that you lied to me that you're not going to the factory when you actually did."_

"_Elena! Come on, can't you see that I'm dying here."_ he let my hand go in the middle of the road and stood in front of me, clearly sad and in despair.

"_Stefan get away from there"_ I was already back on the pavement _"You'll get hit by a car."_ I pleaded and he moved towards me, but we were still a few feet away.

"_Do you forgive me?"_ he asked and put his hands in his pockets, clearly nervous and afraid of what I was going to tell him.

"_Stefan, I can't forgive you"_ I whispered and we stopped _"Because there's nothing you made to insult me. You're sweet and kind and honest with me. I just don't agree with all your decisions and that's fine. Because it makes us a real couple. "_

He came closer, took my hand and made me start walking again without saying anything in the next few minutes.

"_I don't wanna fight you. I just want to make things right."_

"_Good. Then go to the hospital on Monday like the doctor asked you to."_

He sighed and he furrowed his eyebrows.

"_I'll come with you, I promise."_ I stopped and stood against him _"Please, Stefan." _I intervened my hands with his and tightened my grip. He has closed his eyes again and I leaned down to kiss him. He took my lead and gave me one of his gentle relatively long responds which were a sign for me that he's giving up. Unwillingly, but he was. Because he knew I was right and he didn't want to disappoint me. He just needed someone to push him a little bit further _"Do it for me, not for yourself."_

"_Good"_ he finally let out. _"But after it I'm still going to work. We need the money now that Damon hasn't work more than half the month."_

I nodded and we continued walking until we had to turn left in order to continue down towards the fair.

"_You're not afraid, are you?"_

"_Of what?"_

"_Pain."_ I swallowed hard _"Death."_ he stopped abruptly, but didn't look at me.

"_Everyone's afraid of death."_ he stated and continued walking, more slowly than before. _"Even the bravest hearts. I'm just more afraid of losing someone else."_ now our eyes met _"And that overcomes any other fear I could ever have. If I lose another soul I have in my life right now, I'll just be.."_

"_Hey, shhh"_ I tightened my grip again _"You won't lose anyone else." _I whispered but I'm not sure how much he believed me. Instead he decided to change the subject and as we finally arrived at the fun fair, we turned into complete children. He bought me candy floss and I ate it in a matter of five minutes, which made him laugh his ass out and he continued mocking me all evening about how sweet I was with it all over my face. Then he took me to the ferries wheel and he found out I was afraid of heights, so he hugged me and I buried my face deep in his chest, while almost trembling. This time he remained completely serious and even felt guilty for making me get up on it. I just couldn't admit it to him earlier, because I felt like it would be too coward-ish and I didn't want to disappoint him since I noticed how his mood changed. A certain happy light appeared in his eyes and he even smiled a few times. The deep sadness, always present around his whole human being, was now somehow suppressed by the innocence around us. This all looked like a child's playground for him and he was naively embracing it. I wondered how it would've been like when he was little? Did he enjoy it that much too or was he running up after his brother, trying to understand what it was this all about? What this world here meant? Who even made it that big?

He won me a stuffed animal as well. It was a relatively big rabbit with white flap-ears. It was such a cutie and I kept hugging it all the way home. He first took me for a hot chocolate and the waitress that knew him as a factory worker smiled at us and even brought us some pancakes, which was awesome because I was hungry. Stefan claimed it was because one afternoon he fixed three of their tables without getting paid for it and now they probably felt like they owed him, though I could sense it made him feel bad and he wanted to pay. He was just not like the rest of the people I knew. He wasn't willing to lie or cheat or get something for free. It made him feel bad.

It wasn't because he was trying to be like that, it was because that's the type of person he was and I loved him for it. When he was doing something he gave all his heart in it and I could see now-with every single gesture, with every small kiss, with his arms hugging my small body-he was giving me all his love. And he wanted to protect me with all costs, from everything around us. I could sense him sometimes-watching closely as we cross the street for cars, or furrowing his eyebrows at someone passing by fast and almost getting through me. He would just tighten his grip and do all he can to keep me safe. He was afraid that he could somehow lose me and I found that sad and sweet at the same time. A few times this evening he reminded me that I look very tired and I should sleep more. He never talked about himself and he always changed the subject if I asked him whether or not he wants to stop and sit down for a while because I could see him getting tired and walking slowly and letting deep sighs out from pain sometimes. But he just shook his head and lead me onwards.

I had a wonderful evening and I couldn't figure out what else do I want from life. I had it all. I felt he was mine and I was his and I didn't need an explanation of why things happened in a certain way or why my parents were dead and I couldn't do anything about it or why he lost the only person he ever loved. For the first time in months I wasn't desperate to find sense in anything. He was here with me and that was happiness. To be with the loved once and to share the best moments of your life with them.

Stefan thought me to find pleasure in simple things, like holding hands or kissing gently on the bench under a big tree far away from the madding crowd. He thought me to appreciate it all no matter how little it lasted, because it was never going to repeat again, not in this lifetime for sure, so I had to catch it, remember it and pray that I could keep it in my heart forever. He was warm and kind and he surrounded me with those two things all the time. I wasn't desperate in his company, but I wasn't delusional either. I could see all the bad stuff in both our lives. Only by looking at his slowly pace I could think of a hundred awful things that were happening right in this moment around us, but I had the choice to see them and overcome them with him, by sharing mine strength with his so we can withstand the storm or I could see them and get sad, lock myself in my room and curse the world. And before I met him I would've chosen the second option but now..now I always go for the first one, because no matter how hard it is, life is still worth living.

We've both become ghosts in a world full of living people and that was no way for living at all. It lacked sense and point. It's true-we could never belong fully again, because we were standing beyond the point where we could heal, but together we could try again and that's what I liked. He gave me hope. Not only by being by my side though. He encouraged me to look around myself, to want to make things better not for anyone but for me. He wanted me to find myself again, to start seeing beyond the grey everyday routine of my stupid high school life. He became the pure soul of everything around me. And I loved him for this. I really did.

We finally get home and as we are about to separate he surprisingly lifts me up and pins me to the side of the house while planting kisses from my neck up to my lips and leaves me helpless. I let a silent groan and whisper his name in his ear, pleading him to stop, because I can already feel the familiar warmness starting from somewhere below my stomach find its way up into my chest only to burn up everything inside me. With Stefan it was easy to get those feelings but we never got any further, mainly because there were so many things going on around us that sex was the last thing on my mind. On the other hand, I myself felt a little bit shy to even get completely naked in front of him, because now feelings were involved. This wasn't anything like my relationship with Tyler which was all about let's get aroused and fuck somewhere. Now it was different-with Stefan I felt love. Every time his lips touched my half-bare shoulder, he left me burning.

We kissed for quite some time until I couldn't catch my breath anymore so I tore myself away and he groaned clearly frustrated with my decision to do that so he lifted me up a little again, since he was on the verge of dropping me and pressed me to the door which now almost opened. I guess Jenna, in her hurry, has left it unlocked. It was so typical of her. For a moment he pulled back, afraid that we'll get caught like last time, but I cupped his face and calmed him down with my look.

"_Jenna and Jeremy are away. We're can come inside."_ he only nodded and managed to close the door behind me without letting go of my hand. For a moment I thought he'll give us a rest but then he pulled me in closer again and that was the end. From then onwards I couldn't tear myself apart from him. I didn't want to. I could feel that he was pretty excited as well since he was pushing his hands behind my back and almost undid my bra.

"_Stefan!"_

"_Sorry"_ he went away _"I really didn't mean to do that!"_ he has blushed and stared at his shoes, clearly embarrassed. _"I went too far, I'm sorry."_

He tried to pass by me and went out. I could see he was breathing heavily-he was having a hard time calming himself down, but I grabbed his wrist before he could even get anywhere closer to the door and kissed whispered in his ear.

"_You can't leave now."_

"_Why?"_ he asked confused.

"_Because you can't just turn me on and let me go."_ I found myself blushing at me own words as well. We were both thinking the same thing, but this was Stefan. He would never say it, he needed to hear it from me, because he would never pressure me like that. And he knew that the words wouldn't escape his mouth first so instead he decided to suffocate me with his love once again and so he pinned me to the wall just above the stairs. I couldn't wait anymore though. I couldn't keep on lingering. I wanted him. After all he wasn't the only one who had his needs. I haven't been with someone in quite some time.

As this thought passed through my mind I was suddenly taken aback.

I wasn't with anyone since Tyler, but he probably wasn't with anyone since Anna. I knew him-he wouldn't just throw himself into another reckless relationship or a one night stand. He wasn't like that. In that one year he was in pain, he was suffering, he probably didn't even crave for those stuff even though they were part of his basic teenage burning hormone nature. And I realized why he was a little afraid right now too. He could sense where I was going on with this and he was afraid and uncertain. He was doubting himself.

I inhaled deeply and sensed both his fear and persistence. He keeps on with this because he's a boy. He can't just look weak or uncertain, but most of all I could sense that beyond this there's only craving. He's desperate for me as I am for him.

As he continues kissing me down the neck and to whichever place my shirt allows him to, I start unbuttoning his shirt and I even curse it in my mind, because I hated shirts with so many buttons. It made it all so complicated. Before I could even get as close as his belly button he grabs my hands and gets them away from his body only so he can take the bottom of my shirt and get rid of it. For a moment he stares at my almost bare chest and when he realizes that it's probably not very appropriate thing to do, he moves his glance away and apologizes by lifting his hands from my back to my waist. I stop him though and cup his face.

"_Let's go upstairs, Stefan."_ I say this not with a pleading voice or with a lusty one. I say it seriously, I mean every word. I want to be with him, but not because of the act itself, but because I love everything in him and I want us to become a whole, to never separate or to at least pretend that we will never separate. I was willing to live in a lie tonight, to get a hold on what all my dreams were about. I realized that he wasn't the one trying to find love all this time, he wasn't the desperate person who didn't want to be alone. I was.

I didn't want to keep on living like that, I craved for someone's understanding. Because up until now I've been with boys who care about nothing but the deed itself. They didn't care about me as a human, about what my qualities were, about if I was beautiful on the inside at all. They weren't eager to find that, they didn't want it, because for them it made no sense. While Stefan knew my soul first. He took a glimpse at it when I myself couldn't even reach and define what was going on inside me. He saw me from the moment we met on that porch in that same house we were in right now. He took a look at me and touched my hurt insides with his calmest gaze. He didn't ask for a single thing from me, he never ever did and that is why he was trying so hard to hide what was going on with him, because he knew that I wouldn't leave things just like that and he didn't want me to engage in his pain. He was trying to protect me and he was torn apart, contradicted. Just like he was right now.

"_Elena"_ he let me go, but buried his face in my hair _"If we go upstairs you know that we won't be only kissing."_

"_Yeah."_ I kissed him gently on the lips, while trying to assure him it was the right thing _"I know."_

"_Are you..sure you want this?"_ he let out, clearly still feeling uncomfortable, as if he was making me do something I never desired to do.

"_I've never been more certain about anything in my life if I have to be completely honest, Stefan."_ our eyes met and we stared at each other without even realizing we weren't glimpsing. He finally nodded with his eyes closed and I took his hand, leading him upstairs to my room.

He couldn't climb stairs fast so I patiently waited for him without helping him in any way because I knew he hated that. He liked to feel in control and despised people who felt sorry for him so I never acted like this towards him. I realized that I was half naked and so was he and we seemed like two children heading up to my room with big smiles on their faces and that probably in any other circumstances the situation would be awkward, but right now I felt nothing like this. I only wanted our lips to collide again and I couldn't even think of anything else.

Once we got inside and I closed the door he caught me and carried me to my bed. This was the first time he was in my room and yet the only thing he was noticing right now was me. I couldn't blame him since I had eyes only for his chest and his strong arms. Even though he looked skinny in his big brother's clothes and his whole posture and pace screamed nothing but weakness, he was extremely strong as I now came to realize. I finally got rid of his shirt and tossed it on the bed while he was unbuttoning my jeans and carefully tried to take them off, with this kindness of sexiness in his every single move. He gently slipped his hands all the way from my feet to my tights and once again moved me in his lap while he was leaning his back on the wall. I guess he liked being able to hold me like that, it gave him more control over me. He was touching me gently, making me feel helpless with every passing minute. I wasn't sure how much I was going to last though. I'm pretty sure I could come only from his kisses on my already completely bare breasts and from the gently ticklish circles he was making on my back.

For a moment I opened my eyes and traced his chest with my coldish hands which made him shiver from joy. I could feel it-he was ready too and I since I was in his lap I made the realization that his jeans were pretty tight down there which meant I should probably get rid of them soon.

He really had many scars-there was one big cut starting somewhere from the middle of his chest and going all the way down a little before his belly button which I assumed was from a surgery after the fight. Then there were the place he was stabbed on the right side and as I embraced his waist a found another his back, almost mirroring the front one. I hugged him and pressed my lips on his neck this time while running my fingers through the back of his hair. I didn't want to rush this, especially when I had in mind that these past few days he was in a lot of pain so I don't even try to push him down first, but he surprised me and leaned me gently on the pillow. I start unbuttoning his jeans and for a moment we change our places so I can take them completely off. He is a little embarrassed as he realizes that I can finally see him as he is, with his crooked leg, which he considers his greatest physical flaw but I just smile at him and lean over him while colliding my lips with his. He grins relieved that I'm not pushed away by this and he whispers in my ear.

"_Elena, I don't have…protection"_ his cheeks are burning, which I still somehow find very sweet and I let a small laugh out as I'm reaching to my bed cupboard and open one of the top drawers. _"You seriously keep those things here?"_ he asks a little taken aback from the fact that I'm prepared.

"_Well Jenna doesn't come to my room and even if she did I have nothing to hide. After all I'm dating the hottest boy in Mystic Falls."_ he smiled appreciatively but with disbelief in his eyes. _"No more talking"_ I say and he nods clearly satisfied with my orders and comes on top again only to take my panties without any effort. I want to help him get rid of his as well but he catches my hand as soon as I touch his fine ass and I think that he's just gonna stop me but instead he helps me move them down and tosses them with his foot somewhere on the floor, away from my sight. He covers himself under the blanket for a moment while putting the condom on and in the meantime I bite his ear which makes him furrow his eyebrows, but also groan with pleasure, which I consider to be a good sign. I cover myself under the blanket as well because more or less, for the first time I feel shy to be naked in front of a boy. With Tyler-I didn't care at all because he never really paid attention to how I looked, but now that for the first time in forever I was being touched like that by another man- I was completely exposed in the last twenty minutes.

I felt a little afraid and beyond nervous. I could tell he was too. Again, we were like two kids fooling around for the first time but I didn't consider it to be something bad. After all it was indeed a new beginning for both him and me. We weren't the same people we used to be and so our affections towards each other couldn't be the same as the ones we felt with our previous lovers.

"_You should know that I've probably lost my shape"_ he whispered nervously as he leaned closer to me and I grabbed his shoulders, barely holding myself together _"I haven't done this since Anna..you know."_ I realized he still can't say the words out loud so I just gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered in return

"_Shh, it's fine Stefan."_ I smiled reassuringly and he nodded in return while closing his eyes and finally attempting to do his move _"It's all fine"_ I added and he pressed his lips with mine as he finally pushed himself inside me.

He took my louder moan and suffocated it with that kiss while I lose myself in the act of making pure love.

**Stefan's POV**

We were still lying in her bed, covered under the blankets. I have hugged her and she was resting on my chest, breathing heavily. I stroke her head and brought her hand to my lips.

"_Elena? You ok?"_ I was pretty tired already but I was trying to hide it from her. I wasn't sure how much long I could stay awake. She remained silent and looked up while intervening her hand with mine and tightening her grip. For a moment I was afraid that something went wrong and she didn't like it at all so I mentally cursed myself.

"_Stefan, you just left me breathless"_ she finally whispered with her voice sounding a little hoarse from letting her excitement pretty loud in the past hour or so_. "I have no idea why you could even think you weren't in shape."_

I smiled and closed my eyes while letting a deep sigh out.

"_This was the first time I made love, Stefan."_ she admitted and hugged herself even tight.

"_It was the first time I made love after I was practically death from the inside."_ it was my turn to be honest _"So thank you. "_

"_There's nothing to thank me for." _she said nervously and looked away.

"_Sure there is"_ I insisted _"I never thought I'll be able to ever feel like that again."_

"_Like what?"_

"_In love."_ I smiled and she caught me doing that so she gently kissed me on the cheek_."For the first time in forever I feel happy."_ I continued with the intention to be completely honest with her _"All because of you. Because you were good enough to open yourself to me."_

"_No"_ she interrupted me without giving me the chance to say it all _"It was because you had the guts to stood beside an angry stupid teenage girl who hated the world. I have no idea what would've happened to me if you weren't the boy they sent to fix our porch that week. So I am the one who's grateful, Stefan. I did nothing for you."_

"_That's not true. You're still the biggest pain in my ass" _I added and she slapped me playfully on the chest.

We laid like this for a while, consumed by the silence of the room, feeling calmed and relaxed for the first time in months.

"_I'm not afraid anymore, you know?"_ she suddenly said as I was just about to finally let go and fall asleep. Her words brought me back to reality and I instinctively tightened my grip around her waist.

"_Of what?"_

"_Of us being apart."_ she simply said and left me confused _"You know why?"_ I shook my head though I wasn't sure she even expected me to give her some sign that I was listening_."Because no matter what happens and how far we are from each other, I still believe that eventually we will get together again. "_

I leaned down and our noses touched before I gave her a kiss.

"_If you believe it"_ I whispered and stared at her warm look _"then I believe it too."_

And God, I knew these words meant so much more than we both even allowed to think. They were promise..that no matter what there shall be something good in the end. That obstacles didn't matter, that pain was something we both could overcome, no matter how much it costs. No matter if it makes us half human. Damn, we were half human already-we were broken, we were partly under the ground with our loved ones, we were almost buried and yet we were also here, together, completing each other. Daring to believe that there is something to look forward to, even though we've been to the greatest hurricanes that life can give us at this young age. We knew nothing of the future-I might as well be limping my lonely way through Chicago's dirtiest streets while she could be in the embrace of another man. And yet that somehow didn't scare me, just like it didn't scare her. We were in love and we both knew that this sweet honey moon moment will probably pass and life will come to drown us in the everyday routine and the problems and the work and school. We weren't blinded by love, we were love-struck idiots and yet we could see the reality and still believe that we could find a way.

"_Don't ever let me go."_

"_I won't"_ I whispered in return to her pleading and put the blanket over her bare shoulders since she was trembling _"I won't."_ I repeated as in order to assure her and give more weight to my words when there was no need for that.

I knew she trusted me already.


End file.
